For the love of Pickleloaf

Quote

2012-01-22T21:20:00.000-08:00

" When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability...To be alive is to be vulnerable."

-Madeleine L'Engle

Deeper Waters

2012-01-17T10:39:00.000-08:00

I have been re-reading Madeleine L'engle's book, "Walking on Water" and my mind is being blown apart. I lay awake for half the night (well partly due to Zoe!) just running over and over in my mind the implications of , if this is true, then... And can say that I feel God pulling me into the deep waters of faith. I am a little bit scared, but also so thankful and excited. Here is a little pool to let wash over you:

A French priest, conducting a retreat, said,

To love anyone is to hope in him always. From the moment at which we begin to judge anyone, to limit our confidence in him, from the moment at which we identify [pigeon hole] him, and so reduce him to that, we cease to love him, and he ceases to be able to become better. We must dare to love in a world that does not know how to love.

We are to be children of light, and we are meant to walk in the light, and we have been groping along in the darkness. The creative act helps us to emerge into the light, that awful light which the disciples saw on the Mount of Transfiguration, and which the Hebrew children saw on the face of Moses when he had been talking with God on Mount Sinai.

On the shelf

2012-01-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

I'm just thinking about gifts, spiritual gifts and "waiting until it develops" gifts.
I love to dream and dabble in a lot of things. In the past, I have used some of these minor (I mean it!Small gifts being used in bigger than me ways!) interests/gifts/skills in a variety of ways to bless others and feel purpose-filled.
Right now being a mama has been great for pouring out love and giving and feeling full of purpose, but lingering in the back of my mind have been things people have said recently or in the past about my supposed "gifts".
I used to love to dance, and did so often. Sometimes for concerts or performances. Even now it is one of my favourite ways to respond to music. I am not, however, in classes anymore, and don't do much of it at all. In the past few months two people have asked me how I am continuing to nurture this "talent". I am flattered, but in the back of my head know that I am not and never was excellent, and now especially, stiff and post-baby would look like a hippo in pointe shoes!Still, I would like to dance again, not just for myself.

On more than one occasion, a very faith-filled woman has told me that I should be drawing. The thing is, I don't draw! Well, not really. I come up with grand images in my head that I can never translate onto paper. What does this mean? Maybe she just made a mistake?

So, I have heard it said that sometimes there are spiritual gifts that are "put on the shelf" for a later date, so to speak, but this has me confused and wondering if anyone has a story of one of these shelf gifts and if the waiting paid off, or if they were surprised by the use?! Should I just plunker away at nurturing something for no real reason?

The Initiator

2011-12-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

"The sooner we stop thinking that we are the energetic operators of religion and discover that God is at work, as the Aggressor, the Invader, the Initiator, so much the sooner do we discover that our task is to call people to be still and know, listen, hearken in quiet invitation to the promptings of the Divine. Our task is to encourage others first to let go, to cease striving, to give over this fevered effort of the self-sufficient religionist trying to please an external deity. Count on God knocking on the doors of time. God is the Seeker, and not we alone…I am persuaded that religious people do not with sufficient seriousness count on God as an active factor in the affairs of the world. “Behold I stand at the door and knock,” but too many well-intentioned people are so preoccupied with the clatter of effort to do something for God that they don’t hear Him asking that He might do something through them." - Thomas Kelly

(thanks to the MARK center for this great quote)

Give us more time

2011-12-22T13:41:00.001-08:00

We are staying with my parents for Christmas, and have been here for about a week and a half. They just moved here in the summer,and the basement is full of boxes from the move that haven't been opened. In my spare time between playing with Zoe, eating Christmas cookies and studying, I've been hunkering down and going through boxes that were from my room in the last house.

As a kid, I made many photo albums and time capsules. I've kept all my letters from grade eleven on- that is 8 years worth of mail!!I have artwork and other school projects from when I was younger.

I've been in a funk these last couple of days, and couldn't articulate exactly why, but I think I figured it out this morning. My daily Bible readings have all been in Revelation and I can't help but feel the urgency and seriousness of it. I have been focused on a miserable thought that there really isn't a point to saving my old journals and albums, because whose going to be around to read them? Will life just zoom by and before I know it, without having made an impact or done anything lasting,I'll be 75? It sounds very dramatic,which, it is, but I do feel this way, talking to people about how children grow up so fast,and wondering about my ancestors, and how most of everything they were and did has been forgotten.

Usually I like to imagine heaven, and don't look at earth-life with much hope. But now that I have a family, and many dreams and ideas for the future, it is depressing to think that our time is so limited!I realized I can do something about it. I can pray.

I really do love this world, with all of it's brokenness and potential. I really do want to live to see grandchildren, and pass down traditions and stories. I really do want Zoe to have a huge full long life. And so I pray: give us more time. Work through us to make your kingdom come. Hold back on your judgement. Flood us with compassion, still. Give us joy and peace and redemption and love and healing. Let us continue in this fight, here. Stay with us, Jesus, your presence invading dark places. Continue building us up in love and truth.

Praise

2011-12-12T20:39:00.000-08:00

Who compares with you among gods, O God? Who compares with you in power, in holy majesty, In awesome praises, wonder-working God?
Exodus 15:9-11

Peace

2011-12-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.
Colossians 3:14-16

Hope

2011-11-27T09:42:00.001-08:00

God brings death and God brings life, brings down to the grave and raises up. God brings poverty and God brings wealth; he lowers, he also lifts up. He puts poor people on their feet again; he rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope, Restoring dignity and respect to their lives— a place in the sun! For the very structures of earth are God's; he has laid out his operations on a firm foundation. He protectively cares for his faithful friends, step by step, but leaves the wicked to stumble in the dark. No one makes it in this life by sheer muscle! God's enemies will be blasted out of the sky, crashed in a heap and burned. God will set things right all over the earth, he'll give strength to his king, he'll set his anointed on top of the world! 1 Samuel 2:5-7

Advent

2011-11-24T21:37:00.000-08:00

Our friends we had wanted to visit were sick and we were anxious, after two months of travel, to finally be on the road to home. The coquihala highway was closed due to weather conditions, which was our usual route, so we decided to blitz it all the way home in one day taking the southern road.

Almost immediately I could see snow capped mountains from my passenger seat window. After two months of coast and sun, these mountains were an exciting and beautiful sight. The further east we went, the more snow filtered down on to the road and the car. I was getting more and more in the Christmas mood, longing more and more for peace and family and warmth and love.

Our whole trip had been adventurous and amazing. I saw and learnt much. A lot about myself too; things that I am not particularly proud of. Selfishness, short tempered, fearful, greedy, ignorant...Things that are next to impossible for me to change in myself, no matter how hard I try to take a breather moment or walk away. I want so much to be a softer, brighter version of myself. Loud in the right moments, and silent in others. Generous and compassionate. Encouraging and joyful.

The snow was laying thick on the roads now, and the forests lining the highway were an awesome white and green. Living in Vancouver for the past two winters had caused me to forget how much I enjoy the snow and the look of winter in the mountains. Snow, hushing all this muck with a soft white. The grace of snow coverings. Snowflakes were hitting our windshield.

We had to reduce our speed or our non-winter tires would have us slip sliding all over the place...Another reminder that we need to slow down. It will take a little bit longer to get home...Almost there, just be patient...

...And I need to be patient for home; for all the things I wish were different: sex slave trafficking, debt, unrest and workaholics, consumerism and the imbalances of wealth and poverty, broken relationships...

I thought that I was totally done with long car drives, but this snowy scene was energizing me. I felt so at peace in the car, going 50 km an hour, getting to enjoy our surroundings. The snowflakes met us one by one, and strangely, we were at peace.

Not quite there, still waiting for a Savior. Waiting for change. Swirled up in the mystery of God's workings and ways. I've got to say I'm really embracing Advent. I still feel like my travels aren't over. I'm still waiting to go home. I'm still waiting for the surprising glory of God in a baby. I am waiting with much anticipation for God's enormous love to snow-ball me over again, and to change me and renew me and refresh me and center me. Come, Lord Jesus.

2011-11-14T21:58:00.000-08:00

Your Redeemer God says:

"I left you, but only for a moment.
Now, with enormous compassion, I'm bringing you back.
In an outburst of anger I turned my back on you—
but only for a moment.
It's with lasting love
that I'm tenderly caring for you.

"This exile is just like the days of Noah for me:
I promised then that the waters of Noah
would never again flood the earth.
I'm promising now no more anger,
no more dressing you down.
For even if the mountains walk away
and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won't walk away from you,
my covenant commitment of peace won't fall apart."
The God who has compassion on you says so.

- Isaiah 54:9-11

Zoe: Life lessons 6

2011-11-09T23:58:00.001-08:00

We're still travelling (Maui now! What a blessed life) and I'm learning and experiencing so much.

Since Zoe was born, I've been feeling inwardly exhausted. Normal, I'm sure, for a mother. But, something about it feels suffocating. It makes me chaotic. I can't go to my quiet soul place and find rest. I haven't been able to have solitude and silence, which is something I had regularly needed. I've never been away from Zoe for longer than two hours.

But, God has been teaching me, it isn't about getting away from Zoe.

Peace can't be sought out by me, not in the waves of the oregon coast. Not in the quiet moments where Zoe is sleeping. Not in the sun on the beach in Maui.

God seems to be telling me that Peace will be found in Zoe's screaming. Peace will be right in the middle of a grumpy drive, or awkward hurting brothers bickering.

God's peace comes to me. There is nothing I can do to chase it and catch it. Out of the inside of me- Christ dwelling in me- His spirit; unaware of its beginning it will relieve me. It is fruit of the Spirit. The only thing I can do is ask for it, and wait for it to ripen and well up in me.

Like the song says, "I will wait for your peace to come to me..."

And so far I like this so much better than anything I can contrive. God is so gracious in teaching me, and gives plenty of reminders and "hands on experiences." I love getting to know God, and to be friends with Jesus. Who else could make nights with too many screaming wake ups be peaceful? Who else could make tense "we're too broke to afford even this" moments peaceful? Who else could make me, a worrier and despair-er, so peaceful?!

Zoe: Life lessons 5

2011-10-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

It was a brilliantly sunny day after a streak of torrential rain. We were gasping at each corner as the ocean revealed itself along highway 101 down the Oregon coast. Today was the day to meet the giant redwood trees. I was nervous!! I've dreamed of seeing them for so long.

And then we passed through into California. David got grumpy. We didn't stop in Crescent city. We didn't stop at Jedediah State park. We didn't stop. The trees were just down the side roads, I was certain, towering over us. I'm missing them!

Finally we stopped to take a hike because Zoe was getting cabin fever in her car seat- up the LBJ trail. There were giant redwoods there.

We walked down the trail in silence while Zoe squealed and laughed with delight in her carrier. I cried. It really was selfish to take this trip to see these trees. Now was my chance and they just weren't as big as I had imagined they'd be. David was grumpy and I just wanted him to be happy...

David noticed I was crying and we hugged and apologized in the middle of the trail. We kept going, David trying to convince me that these trees really were awesome and really really huge.

In the parking lot after, Zoe was unbelievably happy, playing with her Daddy, smiling and shrieking and laughing.

It was incredibly disappointing, my first encounter with the giant Redwoods. But I learnt something from them. I really learnt- down to my gut- that I'd rather be with my family: David and Zoe, than anywhere else. Even the biggest trees on earth. Nothing beats the feeling of love between us. So maybe we had to take a foolish trip when we have no money to really figure it out...Now that I have these relationships in my life, the really hard and challenging and constant and divine, trees kind of disappoint. I just really love connecting with people. Even when they're fussy travelers, worriers and grumps.

Our wedding rings are carved to look like tree bark, and now I'm extra thankful they are. A reminder of what the trees taught me: I'm so blessed with a loving family.

(When I told David this after we'd driven a while more, we both sat crying in the Bigfoot museum parking lot, hickville california...Now one of my favourite memories of the trip so far)

Zoe: Life lessons 4

2011-09-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

Zoe rocks. She is so cool. There are definitely days (and nights!) when I don't want to be a mom, but at the same time I've never been happier. David and I look at each other in amazement and say, "can you believe our lives are this awesome?!"

Something has been bothering us. When we talk about Zoe, or introduce her to people they often say things like, "She's cute now...Wait until she's old enough to talk back", or " Yeah, this is the easy time, wait until she's older". We don't know what challenges are ahead with being Zoe's parents, but we really don't like the negativity in those statements. I'm totally enjoying where she is right now, and I'm going to enjoy her when she is two and three and thirteen, too. I don't know what to say to them. Maybe all babies magically transform into tyrants once they reach one, and I"m just romanticizing the whole process. I expect Zoe to need discipline. I expect that we will not understand one another all the time. What really bugs me is that raising children is an awesome privilege. I don't hear that in their voices. I don't hear encouragement and support. They probably don't mean it, but the wet blanket approach to having children is gross. I don't like the message it sends to your kids; you were such a little brat when you were young it made life so hard for your parents etc etc as if children have conscious control over this. I certainly do not want guilt to be a feeling Zoe has.

So why do people say things like that? To downplay how incredible it is to have kids? To shift some of the blame of bad parenting on to the kids themselves? I don't know, but I don't like it. I trust that God's expectation of me as his child is simply to be His child. I don't want Zoe to put on good behavior. I want her to be a true representation of who she is. God certainly can see through my "good behavior". He isn't at all surprised by my bad behavior either. And I know that He graciously doesn't dwell on it either, or wait for me to screw up again. Sometimes He says, "I think it is time, Elli, to teach you about this...Or find the right path again by dealing with this..." And if there was a time when the Father Son and Holy Spirit were talking of me, I doubt very much Jesus says, "Yeah just wait until next Tuesday when she really loses her patience" . They are building me up, encouraging me, strengthening me, humbling me, delighting me...

So I want to respond, the next time that happens, with sincerity. I want to say that getting to know Zoe is a joy. That I'm excited for each new discovery and ability. We'll deal with each challenge as it comes. I'm not going to wait in expectation for her to get difficult. I trust that God will give us the strength and wisdom to love her when she's thirteen and maybe or maybe not struggling with her new confusing hormones. Right now we're enjoying our baby girl...Like taking her up to David's work and watching her wide eyed fascination with trees and water and mountains!

Zoe: Life lesson 3

2011-08-24T20:37:00.001-07:00

Being a mom/having a baby is hard, but I have to say that I am totally and completely blown away by the miracle of Zoe. She is a complete miracle! I could stare at her all day.How crazy is God that He gifts us with little humans?!!!

Zoe: Life lessons 2

2011-08-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

I cannot actually believe that life is this good. I have a beautiful hilarious healthy daughter, a loving, so loving husband, we live in a great little house with two trees, a hammock, a clothesline and friendly neighbours...I am just bursting with gratitude.

I've been thinking about breast feeding. I know a lot of women just love breast feeding, but I have to say, especially at the beginning, I did not enjoy it. The worst part for me wasn't that it hurt, or that crippled over hunch back position I seemed to be in. It was frustrating to have to sit and feed for twenty minutes, and it was hard to adjust to being needed all the time, and then every couple hours. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it is true!! Zoe has an impossibly cute feeding face, which helps, and I love the bond we share, and the health benefits blah blah blah, but it definitely took some time for me, and still does to really enjoy it.

Zoe and I have been spending a lot of time around other people, and while it is so nice to have more hands to hold her, at the end of the day I feel sort of empty and mixed up if I haven't spent a lot of time with holding her and playing with her. A quick feed then passing her off to an "auntie" or "grandma" just doesn't cut it. We usually have a bad sleep (both of us) from too much stimulation and not enough mommy baby time.

Which is where God has been speaking to me. Just like Zoe needs me for food and love and attention, I need God. But not just in the morning or before bed. I need God every hour. Zoe needs to feed. She needs to spend that time with me, not only for nutrition. When she has spent that forty minutes every two hours or whatever, she is calm and relaxed and happy. I go about my day so frazzled and wonder why...Well, I probably haven't spent the time I needed to with God, listening to him, and being held! My relationship with Jesus is a constant one. And fortunately for this busy girl, we don't necessarily need to be talking to be bonding or sharing space. I'd love to explore more of how this can be: that I would be aware of Jesus' constant presence and lean into it.

Zoe: Life lessons 1

2011-07-08T18:06:00.001-07:00

I said this before, but everyday I am just amazed at the work of motherhood. It is such a hard job. When I say hard, I think it is this way because it is constant, and because to give total attention to our baby clashes with everything society has told us about our worth: we are to be productive, have something to show for our day, multi-task well enough to never let your baby cry, keep the house clean, put supper on the table and look nice for your husband...All at once!

I have been finding solo- parenting (while David's away on his shifts) so exhausting, but so much more easily lived when I look for the lesson in my everyday with Zoe.

So a couple days ago, while I was rocking Zoe, I was thinking about the non-stop, complete focus and attention that a baby wants and needs. Many manufacturers make millions (alliteration!) on devices that will occupy a baby so that you can "get back to life" : soothers, swings, bouncy chairs, jolly jumpers, seats and toys...Some of these are important for a baby's development, but what struck me was how God sees us.

As my parent, God doesn't mind totally focusing on me. He actually enjoys and wants to spend every moment tending to my needs. He wants to stroke my cheek and hold me close and coo at me and let me wrap my hand around his finger. He loves to come to my side as soon as I cry. God loves to comfort me. It isn't work for him. It isn't tiresome. He is fueled by this incredible love for me. When I think that my self-sufficiency is helpful, or when I think there is no other way, I will remember that God doesn't need me to do everything on my own (not that I could begin to anyways). My uselessness is his best place to show me unconditional love.

And he allows us to be like him, and participate in this awesome love-attention. Even though Zoe is absolutely beautiful, and I am in awe and wonder, I still put her into her swing (like right now), and try to use other methods of comforting other than my arms and voice. But, I'm human, and I hope that God will continue to compel me with the depth of his love to gift Zoe with that same attention. I don't want to mind giving Zoe my full attention, all day. I want to delight in it! Just thinking that God feels so strongly about his mothering for me blows me away. The depth of his love for us, and his constant presence is such a comfort to me. Tending to my needs is not a chore. He doesn't get frustrated when I cry to him and never tries to distract me with anything but all of him.

"Show me the wonder of your great love..." - psalm 17:7

"And I pray that you...may have power, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..." - Ephesians 3:18

On our own

2011-07-06T18:09:00.000-07:00

Well, after a long long road trip through the most beautiful mountain passes, a screaming pooping farting puking baby, and lots of the same cd's on repeat, we made it into Kimberley!

As we were entering the city, I felt really anxious. I've never felt quite this way before...The history that I have in Kimberley is so mixed; some really good and some really sad. I think that I have processed it... I've also never really been in a situation where I didn't have to work and where plans for my future were really really open ended. Where will I find meaning here? Will I work? Will I find friends here? Will God meet me here? Part of the problem I think comes from an identity crisis I have here. The people who are still here haven't changed much, and so they assume the same of you. People in Kimberley praise those who are hard core outdoor sports enthusiasts, total hippies or total rednecks, or born and raised locals. I'm not any of those things. I struggle with thoughts and actions that reveal my insecurity of belonging. It really tests how deeply I trust who I am in Christ.

David's shift up in the mountains is for ten days, so it is just me and Zoe on our own in our little suite. It is quiet here and really sunny. There is an ant problem which I HATE, but it is really minor in the grand scheme of things! I'll take some pictures of our place and surroundings soon.

So I had this big goal that while David was working I'd be studying and visiting people and taking Zoe into town and just soaking in time with God. Of course that isn't how it is going to be, and hasn't been! Zoe has been all consuming, and I want to spend time getting to know her. We can't walk into town (too far) and so far I've been able to get in only a little concentrated devotional time. I do want this summer to be one of deep special time with my girl and with my God. I've already been taught so much. Everything is just new!

Being a single mom is hard hard work; I can't imagine having to go it alone all the time... Except that there is something really beautiful and wonderful about having to ask for help, and having David's eccentric and gold-hearted friends come over and hold Zoe while I make myself something to eat.

The surprises I'm sure, will continue, and God will get through to me, despite me, like He always does...I pray he banishes my fears and overwhelms me with his love that invites me to trust and know I'm never really on my own.

Bursting

2011-06-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

My heart feels so full it could burst.

From the generosity of my family and friends and people who barely know us.

To the thinking back on the beginning and how carried and supported we were.

To the goodness of God's plans

To his incredible strength and salvation and presence that never leaves

To the changing of hearts and minds

And glimmers of hope coming from nothing visible

Rich life stories full of near deaths and big joys

The sun

To our little girlie sleeping and squirming

To God's way. God's paths.

Relax...

2011-06-17T17:12:00.001-07:00

"Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers... If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers-most of which are never even seen- don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God provisions. Don't worry about missing out.You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met"

I feel both the desire to respond to God's giving and the habit of preoccupying myself with wish lists. I took Zoe down to some gardens, but it just wasn't the same as being in the mountains. I'm definitely looking forward to hiking up into valleys of wild flowers, to see the colour against the stones, and to be reminded of who made me, and in whom I can lay my trust.

Heart-out-of-chest

2011-06-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

About a month before Zoe was born, a shift was gradually happening in my thinking. I noticed when I, and others used the word "need". I started taking note of how many garbage bags we used a week, and what was inside them. The thought of my garbage going to a dump to sit on the earth really bugged me. I couldn't get the picture of my sponsor child out of my head. I felt so incredibly and deeply grateful and privileged to live where and how I do... And thought about other pregnant women, like immigrants who have to work in factories and can't afford to take time off, so they hide that they are pregnant and sometimes lose their baby because of it.

And now that Zoe is here, this shift is starting to reach my heart as I imagine the life I want for her, and the reality that millions of children are not ever going to get that, and it is only because of God that we have this life.

I don't know why this shift is surprising me. This Lent and Easter season have been about exposing and leaving behind my selfishness, and understanding the sacrifice of Jesus. And I'm being reminded of times in my life when I have given in sincerety, or been the recipient. I'm remembering, while writing wishlists of stuff that I want, confused because I don't feel satisfied, that true joy comes from serving and giving.I have so much excess, probably in every area of life. And not just excess, but needs that aren't really so. Neil's friend in Haiti once said," I'm not asking you to meet our needs. I'm asking you to redefine yours". POW. Because it is so easy to get overwhelmed and put our sad hearts into boxes. I overheard a man on the bus talking about the world vision commercials. He said, " That kind of stuff just makes me depressed..I like to help people, you know, with the emergency hotline and other things. Tell me how I can make a difference, and I'd be glad to, but when its so big, well forget it". That is usually my tactic- close my eyes and hope it goes away, but there are many ways to have a powerful impact...And I will stand accountable for all I did and did not do.

So I'm praying that God would highlight where what and how...And that I would find myself in that uncomfortable, panicky, evaluating state that exposes my selfishness and greed and distrust that this is in fact the true life, and God will provide. It never fails to make me sweat and try to find loopholes. Big sacrifice is just that- and it hurts for awhile sometimes! People don't understand. But I want my friend Jesus' influence to rub off on me. I want my scared and self-seeking heart to learn about love by experience,and give way to blessing and soft heartedness and joy...Maybe God will continue to surprise me in the ways that I can joyfully serve, but if it hurts, well, there's a soft juicy heart under there somewhere, and it needs out!

REAL life

2011-05-06T13:26:00.000-07:00

Zoe is two weeks old today!! Contrary to all these pictures, she doesn't always sleep. She also likes to poop and stare out at us, sort of disappointed looking, feed with her turtle mouth and growl like a bear cub.

We really love her, and now I am beginning to feel that painful abundant love that a parent can have for their children...Like a heavy woolen heart saturated in water. It is enormous and complicated- to want only goodness for your baby and sacrifice everything and worry endlessly and delight in them and love them even when all they do is cry and feed and poop and on the other side just wish you could get away for a couple days or make them sleep 48 hours straight or want that life with just your husband and be selfish and immature again! And to know that it is only going to get harder! Oh, life!!

I have been thinking about that these last two weeks, about real life. David and I were talking and I said something about how it is hard now but it will get better and he said, "It is all hard". Which is true. Real life is hard. Being married, having children, following Jesus, working on dreams, standing up against injustices, serving and not seeing results...But when you aren't knee deep in it, when you aren't living the real-tough life, you aren't really living, by definition at all. You're just going through the motions, bored, unchallenged and unfulfilled, wanting the world to entertain you and carry you through without pain or change. Fear and self doubt and selfishness can be such blocks to really living. But, if you risk and sacrifice and scream and flail and dive into the deep end, then I really do believe once in a while you get a glimpse of goodness. Of joy and love and hope.

...And that has to be worth it. At least, I'm trying to remember that it is, and that even a tiny glimpse of God's presence is strengthening and gives sustaining power.

I want to say YES to real life. Even as it scares me and challenges me and pushes me to the brink, exposes my limitations and failures and needs...As it humbles me and causes me to cry out for Jesus...Maybe that is the point!

So...Two weeks into a deeper place. Cards and balloons don't speak the truth of this journey. It isn't pink with flowers and happy giraffes, but it is happy...And that I can say that considering my hormonal and physical state is truly a miracle!!

Happy 2 weeks, Zoe!! We have no idea how you will continue to enlarge and change our lives, but we know you will. We love you.

Welcome life!!

2011-04-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

Zoe (life) Andrea (strong and womanly) Gillen

Born April 22

We love this little girlie, and are so amazed at the journey it has taken to get her here.

Thank you so much to Aimee for being present and supporting us and taking amazing photos!

What to do with a sickie pregnant wife

2011-04-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling the pre-baby blues lately, allowing everything and most anything to cause me despair: pollution, fatigue, being sick,school, homework, having a baby, having stuff, not living how or where or as who we want to...Mostly all valid, but I wasn't doing anything productive about it like bringing it before God. I'd wait until it welled up and then have a good cry and wait for it to fill up in me again.

Two nights ago, when I had in an act very unlike me, finished my homework by lunch time, David and I were able to spend a lot of time together. I've been and am really sick with a sinus flu that won't let me breathe (it could be much worse) and haven't been able to go swimming or really do much of anything. David asked if he could paint on my belly. Sure!

Baby Gillen wanted to participate too, and throughout enjoyed adding a foot/hand to the mix. David didn't mind his moving canvas!

David put on some music and I lay on the couch with my tea for almost two hours. It was very peaceful, relaxing and so enjoyable to spend time in conversation with David remembering and dreaming and sharing and loving. It was also great to spend some time just watching Baby Gil bump around and react to the painting. Earlier in the day I had been complaining to myself that we never do anything fun because most everything in the city is expensive, or that I simply can't do those things right now due to being pregnant and/or sick. This was such a nice evening for us that mellowed us both out. It was a much needed chance to connect.

And look at this masterpiece!! I felt bad washing it off, but I had a midwife appointment the next day...They probably would have enjoyed it :)

And tonight I devoured, "spiritual midwifery" by Ina May. Wow. I feel like I am in so much of a better (not perfect!) place mentally, spiritually and emotionally for the birth of our little one. I've been writing a lot and slowly trusting God more and more with this experience. I'll share one quote that really resonated for me:

" I felt like if God had made birth to be such a Holy passage, he meant for all our major passages including death to be Holy and that there wasn't anything to fear"

Nothing to fear. Perfect love casts out all fear. I'm learning so much during this time.

On a side note, I have asked a bunch of people to pray for Baby Gillen (delivery health life future etc. whatever came to mind) and send it to me via snail mail so that I can keep a collection for him/her when they are older. If you'd like to participate (I'd like you to!) email me and I'll send you my address. Thank you!!!!

Drenched in the goodness of God

2011-03-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

For a strong love

A husband that sees and knows

Encourages, works, brightens and delights

Who crosses his legs at the ankle

His ridiculously white feet dangling in contentment

For food every day

and unexpected offerings of fruits and cheese and stews

sometimes carried carefully, planned, for my pleasure

For a body that can carry

And hold strong

and breathe and gulp cold water

For friends and strangers with

powerful kindness

In their smiles and words and tears

For a free pool to swim in

And not be afraid of the deep end

Or weird noises

But leap forward in the water and

Let it float me to the surface

For the weightlessness and the waves

For the smallest of moments where I can

Be forgiving and honest and gracious

Be transparent and faulty and sorry

Be joyful and hoping and sensitive

For big black dogs

Huge tree limbs spreading

Robins in green budding gardens

An endless variety of ways

to say thank you

Lent hand holding

2011-03-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

I was sitting on a crowded muggy bus after 9pm on Granville Street, the rainbow of lights blurred due to the rain, when a lady walked in with ashes on her forehead and I remembered it was Ash Wednesday.

I was feeling sicker and sicker since Sunday and had spent an exhausting day at clinic, massaging with kleenex up my nose, trying not to sneeze over all my guests. And I've spent the last two days home sick from school- by force.

Not many people seem to have Lent on the brain...Or at least they aren't really talking about it. I for one am not giving up anything. But I do want to have some sort of intention. It might be this whole rest thing...Once known and practiced. I've since fallen out of the habit, but what better time to rest and quiet down than when 8 months pregnant! It won't be easy as I scramble to finish clinic hours and write tests and go to school and get ready for baby, but I don't think rest is ever easy to justify.

Yesterday sitting in bed with chicken broth and noodles, I read this verse:

" For I am the LORD your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you". - Isaiah 41:10, 13

I might have laughed a little even. He is almost dumbing it down. He is going to save me, never mind help me. Such a simple thing for God to do- to help me. The taking of my hand ...He really has done that...twice...but that is for a different post :) Yesterday it was all about the simplicity and power in God's help. When I feel like I can't stop running around God will help me. When I don't know how to deal with people who are frustrating God will help me. When I'm so scared and weak in childbirth, God will help me.

God is so good. He comforts me with the news of his help...Which is really a lot more than just help. I could never be a good enough person or clean my act up enough. I need God to surround and saturate me. I need him to hold my hand through everything in my day. So I think I'm going to concentrate on that. God's help.

Deep and Wide

2011-02-24T23:11:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling so blessed by the generosity of everyone around me. With their words of wisdom, food, kind thoughts, physical support, listening ears, drives home, and love. Thank you so much. I feel neck deep in the support and love of community around me.

While rest is still on the agenda and not in practice as much as I would like...I'm beginning to see where God might be taking me on my own journey- to benefit me not just now, but for the long run too. I have the words of the sunday school song "Deep and wide" running through my head.

God's rest as total immersion into the deep and wide love of God.

I'm noticing more my immediate compulsion to control: control my time, expecting it to go a certain way. Basically, to not go with the flow. Most of my "rest" ideas have been premeditated and probably written down on a piece of paper as a "to do" item. I tend to enjoy things more when I impulsively go for a walk on the beach or randomly pick up a paint brush. Even if it would have been on the to do list, if I just get up and, wash the dishes, for example, it feels like an act outside of my tight school schedule rather than something else I'm trying to squeeze in.

When I remember my time at the MARK Center; I think it true that it was so lovely because most of the important moments were unexpected and came to be serendipitously. God can do all the planning and executing and I'll just experience thank you!

On a more serious note I was reminded tonight of how important communion is to me, and to my ability to function with grace and strength and rest. I want to get into the practice of receiving it everyday.

When I'm not in a posture of rest, when there is no stillness of heart and spirit, I don't function well. I'm not able to receive or act in a grace- filled way. This excites me because it ultimately means coming closer and closer in relationship with God. Always the heart at the center of all my seeking and goals and labyrinths.

May God unconventionally move me into a place of peace and may He do the same for you!

Words of wisdom...please!

2011-02-18T12:53:00.001-08:00

This lil' momma is getting so tired. I go to school 6 days a week, often from 8:00am to 9:00 pm plus homework. I don't sleep that well due to leg cramps and baby kicks and the need to go to the bathroom. After a walk up stairs I'm ready for a nap. I need more rest and restful activities everyday however, I'm not too sure how to make everything jive together!

Please give me some wisdom on ways you fit in restful activities during busy schedules!! (This could be prayer time or reading a book or going for a nice walk or taking time with Jesus etc. or a number of different things)

Thank you!!

And I hope that you are able to find rest for your spirits!

water loving

2011-02-05T22:21:00.000-08:00

It is getting harder to stick this belly out and float!

Much like a sea turtle I'm finding that I am really enjoying being in water. Whether that be the tub or Mike's pool, I'm loving being wet. On land I struggle with putting socks on and tying my shoes, but in the water I'm so happy and mobile. Maybe Baby Gil' will be a swimmer?

It is just so surprising to me how much silly joy I get from this. I swam the breaststroke in circles for half an hour: just a happy little turtle mama.

...and I'm loving being pregnant. For the most part. Besides the way it hinders my classmates when they are partners with me :( and the exhaustion part, it is just great. School is so busy it really takes up a lot of the energy I would use for visiting with friends etc. But I find I am needing and enjoying my solo time, whether that be dry or wet!

Okay. I'm off to the tub.

Re-visiting Re-connecting and Re-membering

2011-02-04T21:55:00.000-08:00

(Some of the Klassen family from my year in Abbotsford!)

I haven't written in a while and a lot has gone on. A couple weeks ago I was surprised and delighted to find an email from my buddy Jackson in my inbox. He wanted to see me before he left on his super awesome 5 month long trip. I was really really happy to hear from the Klassen's and hoped there was someway to get down there.

Fortunately Jackson volunteered to pick me up and when I got off the sky train station to meet him there was this totally grown up - genuinely cool guy who picked me right up off my feet in a hug!

One thing I love about the Klassen gang is their sweet and simple ability to just love you and bless you and care about your life. I've sure missed them! I spent an awesome "soup sunday" at their house and had some precious time with Evy on the drive home.

Being there and listening to Steve talk and others share really encouraged me to be even more intentional about listening to God again and being aware of where He is moving and what He is showing me every day. As my schedule picks up and my energy levels plummet, I'm aware that I could easily burn-out or fatigue. I just simply don't have time for that! I'm hoping to spend that ever necessary time with Jesus whenever I can and trust in his promises of peace and rest and quiet streams. I'm remembering that year in Abbotsford and how eye opening and amazing it was. I crave the life that was produced that year, and hope it can still be pulled out of me, even now.

...On a sillier note, I am understanding this turtle analogy even better. I almost waddle now, and I've slowed waay down (much to my annoyance)! Taking things slow and steady sure doesn't come natural to me. I need to remember the long slow walks we took, taking it in together. Jesus and me.

Gift

2011-01-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

(From 4 or 5 years ago... Kootenay Lake on a scorching hot day)

Our schedules have been so busy lately that David and I hardly see each other during the week...And I'm moving into a 6 day school week starting in February. We recently have been trying to schedule in some time before Baby Gil' comes along to spend together.

I've been feeling very nostalgic, remembering being teenagers together and how impossible it was to imagine our futures. Especially a future together that would work out. Now here we are, married and pregnant! I think it is a good lesson for me to remember our story and all the twists and turns it has already written in so far. To trust that the rest will be full of still more adventures and highs and lows. Every day really does feel like an amazing gift.

friendship

2011-01-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

Last week my truth to meditate on was, " I am Christ's friend"

This picture is from a couple years ago and reminds me of a time with a good good friend. We fixed a toilet, painted the old one, drew fish at a pet store, took pictures of flowers, thrift store shopped, sang together, dreamed together, told stories and even shared a bed!

The fact that friendship even exists just seems so miraculous to me. Two people, unrelated, would choose to be there and love someone. I was walking home with a classmate the other day and we both agreed that the truth about each one of us is that we are self centered. I feel that with deep conviction, and remember realizing that at my core I was selfish at 13 or 14. Friendship is a picture of heaven because it is all about connection and innocence and sharing and supporting and really loving. I guess where Jesus' act of friendship becomes even more special to me is that friendship is intimate, and for some reason it really hit me that way the first time I read it last week. Jesus really, truly wanted to be close to me. I didn't choose to be friends with him but He chose to be my friend, not because it would be safe for him (quite the opposite) or get him higher up in the popularity scale (quite the opposite!), but He knows I need Him.

" My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other. John 15:12-17

I think being friends with Jesus has been so healing for me. Every encounter makes me laugh. He always gets to the core of things in a gentle, hilarious or loving way. He never neglects to tell me when I'm doing something dumb or dangerous. He doesn't get mad while I'm learning how to be like Him.

I encourage you to do some listening this week with Jesus. Set up the scene. Come ready to listen, and to share what you're feeling and wondering too. You could ask:

- Jesus, are we friends?

- Who am I to you?

- Why do you like being my friend?

Share with Jesus your answers to those questions for him!

And on another note...(Mark 10:27) All things are possible with God!

(I've been saying this in my head over the weeks)

floating

2011-01-12T20:17:00.000-08:00

my tum at 22 weeks on New Years!

I don't know what God has done, but I like it. While I was making dinner tonight I thought, "this is me. Whoever I have been for the past year and a half has been a modified version. I'm really this happy and joyful and motivated". It was encouraging. I have to say- it is that wonderful joy that comes from the spirit- because I can't do anything to enhance or diminish it. And the world can't either, Hallelujah!

Soft inside

2011-01-08T17:30:00.000-08:00

My first little craft!

I feel so thankful; I've been really really good. Before school started this week God planted this happy song in my heart and it hasn't left. I'm able to learn at school instead of despairing and feeling angry at all the teachers. I'm actually able to learn from someone who two weeks ago I could honestly say I hated! Each day God is revealing his promises to me through his presence.
Slowly slowly I am learning to let go.

This week I've been mulling over (I wouldn't call it meditating) the truth that I am God's child (John 1:12). I do feel provided for, disciplined, looked after, protected and dearly loved. I DO feel confident to run to the throne and be transparent and child like in both my joy and sadness.

And I'm also thinking about the soft insides of a turtle. When Jesus is my shell of protection, when He is my defender and strength; I have the ability to grow soft and tender and vulnerable and humble and free from fear. I feel like I'm growing at the enormously fast speed that Baby Gillen is. And I'm beginning to wonder, and believe even, that I might just give my heavenly father the delight that this little mystery gives to me.

New Years Resolution

2010-12-31T23:35:00.000-08:00

This is my resolution. This year will hold so many changes and surprises and beginnings and endings and as it stands now the colouring in of so much of our future. Though I don't want to think about it too much, this year will contain new pain and new struggles, worse, old struggles and old pain, and good things too: new adventures and new joys.

But God loves me in a special way and always speaks to me in fresh new ways. The image of a sea turtle is not exactly new for 2011 but it seems to be sticking. A little unusual, and I'm not exactly sure the practical application of this (God wants me to be a sea turtle?!) but I'm holding to it, and have some craft projects cooking in my mind. I have really wanted to do more abiding and by really going over who I am in Christ and asking Him how He sees me and why He loves me (and using that as my protective shell from getting defensive or hurt) who knows what life could look like?!

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T10:56:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for a time to set new goals, wash the slate clean and begin again...Especially because this year has ended leaving me feeling less than my best, wondering if I even have a best!

I hope to take some time this weekend or today to pray and write and work out what it is that God wants for my year- and how I can humanly accomplish some of that. I know that I don't want school to take over my life and yet still want God's will in that situation to be done, and for me to learn what it is He wanted me to learn. Who am I kidding? This year will probably be much like every other day and year: the challenging but rewarding following after God adventure, trying to stay on course with his pathways for my life. Maybe it is time again to take up the following prayer each morning:

I bind my mind to the mind of Christ
I bind my heart to the deep love of God
I bind my feet to the path you have called for my life
I bind my hands to receive all that you have for me and to bless all that they touch.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Advent week 3

2010-12-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

Even though my mind hasn't been totally focused on advent I've been taking comfort and moments of silence to just dwell in the mystery of the Trinity.

Cathy Hardy, my spiritual director is a recording artist of taize style music, and this song of her album, "trust" came to mind this morning with those three candles lit: called "encircling"

The mighty three

My protection be

Encircling me

You are our home

My life my home

Encircling me

Oh Sacred three

The mighty three

advent week 2: bethlehem and preparation

2010-12-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

Studying for finals. It is easy to think of how that relates to preparing. But, for some reason I've been picturing preparation to look more like 2 candles burning. One morning before a stressful practical exam I lit my advent log and sat beside it. There was some strength that I could draw from them, and what they meant- so close! So soon! Jesus!Hold on! Don't forget! He's coming!
Sometimes I could do all the preparing in the world for an exam, study everything I possibly could, and still it would be too late to make the information really stick in my head. Sometimes, and especially this week, preparing is about being vigilant. Keeping those two candles in my mind throughout the week...Remembering that there is something coming (or someone rather!) that will make all of this worth it.

And God. Tonight praying, I found myself really comforted by the request that HE goes on and prepares my future. We don't really need to worry about stepping out blindly, or going somewhere totally unknown. God has always gone before us; ahead of us. He is always preparing the right friends, the right home, the right jobs and schools. While I love to dream, my 5 year plans are a total joke. If God will guide me year by year than in most cases I'm able to jump right in, confident in the knowledge that He has already planned it out. He is already hiding, ready to step out and reveal His presence to me throughout my future experiences and days.

He sent Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem, but He had already reserved them a room. He had gone waaay ahead to the Sages, and to the Shepherds, and to that messy dirty stable. I'm so confident that He left his fingerprints all over whenever Mary or Joseph felt defeated along the way. He had prepared a place.

I'm so thankful for a God that has way more "beaver" in Him than me, who cares enough about me to prepare and set up wonderful miraculous things in my future. Who is planning things even for my next week, and my tomorrow and my 80th birthday...And for yours too.

Advent week two: bethlehem and preparation

2010-12-05T18:53:00.000-08:00

My true age is one of three: 4 years old, 16 years old or 100 years old.

Today and lately I've been feeling sixteen: young, with so much pushing to prove who I am and what I can do. Overwhelmed by a future that seems so impossible to picture or grow into. Stepping through puddles of sadness that don't have reason or sense (thanks hormones!)
...And I've been reacting more like a four year old: hiding under the covers and having a good cry. Needing David's reassurance over and over. Behaving plain selfishly and foolishly with, "I won't I won't!" 's in response to tasks needing to get done.
...Which may all be due to my age of one hundred: all I really want to do is sleep because I feel so tired.

This week has started off with so much reluctance on my part. A wish for everything to stand still- to slow down. To have the Christ Child HERE not journeying first to some place I don't want to go, and can't afford to go. All the while carrying a baby whose future I don't know how to prepare for.
I wish I had the discipline of Mary. Or maybe she was reluctant like me, needing much encouragement and carrying. But I think she must have had a better grasp on the "why". Why go there. Why now. Why her.
I'm still struggling to admit that my heart is not yet a suitable place. That it is still full of coldness and locks and diseases. That only by walking the path that God has set for me will He surprise me in the most unlikely and impossible of places. Only then will He reveal his holiness and glory and fill my deep deep aches.

Advent week 1: prophecy and hope reflections

2010-12-04T12:44:00.000-08:00

This week started out with much: friends and late nights, chaos and kids, late starts and a boiling temper.
...It seems to be ending with surprise and forgiveness, humility and grace, hope and a future, mounds of homework and a birthday date.
God really opened my eyes this week to the hope that I may have in Him.
- Meetings and retest taking that I dreaded, turning out okay
- More birthday love than was expected for a school day thursday; and a special wink from Jesus saying, "I notice you"
- God's providence again and again; reassurance that this is His joy
- Hope and trust for our little one after massaging at the at-risk pregnancy hospital that previous weeks had thrown me into panic
- Opening my heart to being more honest with God in prayer, asking for his cleansing, knowing that I am holy because of what HE has done and who HE is.

"...because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death to guide our feet into the path of peace." - Luke 1:78-79

Advent week one: prophecy and hope

2010-11-30T17:44:00.000-08:00

(I would have posted earlier but our computer is having troubles and the weekend was full!)

Our Advent log is atrocious. I asked a classmate for some firewood that still had the rounded bark cover to one side. She gave me a wobbley, uneven, cut up ragged piece of wood about 2 inches thick at most. We tried for a couple days to carve out the candle holes with David's leatherman which didn't work, and finally on Sunday night we were able to drill holes with a borrowed electric drill (thanks Aimee!). We got it home and realized the holes were still much too small, and after attempting again to whittle with the leatherman decided just to shave down the bottom of our beeswax candles. David then meticulously melted pieces of the cut off wax to secure the candles in place. The candles stick out of the wood like skinny crooked teeth. When the log shifts onto one side all the candles lean so the wax drips onto the coffee table.

For some reason, I am in love with it. I sit beside it every morning to do my devotions and last night David and I had our official First Week of Advent lighting. Our living room still has sheets and pillows from guests this past weekend strewn about, mugs and books and papers that never find a home in files or the recycle bin. We turned off all the lights and I watched with childish excitement as David met the head of the match with its box and the flame grew. I didn't cheap out on the candles (pure beeswax...mmm) so it lit right away. We sat back and without deciding this between us, went into silence.

And I think this sort of thing needs some silence. This recognition for both of us that we are disheveled and junky and really don't look like much. But then the light is there, and it really does take all the focus. There was a moment looking at it that I didn't want to light the others; I couldn't imagine it looking any better than it did with just that one candle lit. Just one light was enough for me to feel a bit of hope that words spoken may just be true, and that I really can trust that God's promises aren't forgotten.

David and I daily wobble between excitement and joy with this pregnancy, and fear with the knowledge we don't have a clue what we're going to do. I'm going to take a try at believing God's light will guide me on a path of peace. It is so much more alluring and and curiously welcoming than the despairing dark corners I tend to find myself in.

Winter is coming...

2010-11-13T23:09:00.001-08:00

The air has a bite to it. The leaves are almost all gone. Winter is coming...And with it my favourite season of the whole year: Advent.

I love Advent so much; I could probably do without Christmas day. I find so much room inside me to wonder and meditate on the truths and mysteries of Emmanuel and all that Advent hints at and points toward. Come, Lord Jesus.

Jesus coming to earth and embodying compassion so that when I experience pain and ridicule and discouragement, He is there to have experienced it all before me. Jesus coming to earth to embody justice so that when I wonder how to love and serve those in my community and world, He is there to demonstrate what love is. Jesus coming to earth and dying and rising so that when everything feels hopeless and beyond repair, He is there to offer forgiveness and new life and trustworthy promises. Really, four weeks is not long enough to meditate on the miracle of Christmas!

I want and plan to do a number of things to celebrate and mark Advent: meditations, candle lighting, some sort of "outreach" each week and hopefully some blog post for each week and its theme. We'll see. Last year I learnt so much about joy and fearlessness. I have some ideas for this year, but I'm sure that God does too for me; some powerful lessons about him his love and his kingdom. I can't wait.

But I'm curious...What are you doing for Advent?

I miss...

2010-11-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

being out here. Or generally being out there. In the silence, and the God-made. In the natural greens and blues and browns...Among the smells and air and trees. Among the peace and joy and wonder.
It is going to be a long winter.

these two..

2010-11-04T22:34:00.000-07:00

I've got to say: these two (three) feel so incredibly blessed loved supported and provided for. It is overwhelming and totally wonderful and absolutely appreciated. Thank you!!!!!!!!

wonder and thankfulness

2010-10-25T19:00:00.001-07:00

Thankful I got out of school early today after my midterm. The rain was drenching the city, and I was cozy inside. Finally spent some time in quiet prayer.

I am so thankful for David. He is just the best.

I wonder about our friend Eleanor, walking across the street with her busted wheely-bag and no umbrella.

I am thankful for beeswax candles and the way they make night special

I wonder about the little one growing inside me

I am thankful for advent and my favourite season coming soon

I wonder about leaves and why certain ones turn certain colours, and in certain patterns

I am thankful for Jesus and how He never gives up on loving me

I wonder about the people I love. I love hearing from them. I wonder about new people who might come into my life.

I am thankful that the LORD is the stronghold of my life.

Henri's got something to tell me again

2010-10-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

I have a couple friends, not really close, that, although I really really like them and admire them, I just can't get close to, or seem to think positively about. It isn't that they are greedy or obnoxious or stubborn. In fact, it is quite the opposite: from my perspective, they have no fears. They are gutsy, adventurous, smile through the worst, and seem to be gifted with the sunny path of life with few pebbles or obstacles. Which of course, must not be true, but they never speak of their fears or short comings. And I'm jealous of their fearlessness.

While I am adventurous and love the wild, I have a more than healthy sized fear and respect for everything I face. For me, hiking a mountain isn't just joyful, it is an accomplishment: facing my fears of being unable to climb or be fit enough, my fear of heights, my fear of getting stalked by cougars, my fear of dissapointing David, my fear of not being "outdoorsy" enough...The list goes on.

I've been afraid of a lot of things my whole life. A lot of my childhood memories are remembering being afraid of something! A staple song I sung well into my teenage years was, "whose in the middle of the dark...God is..." While I've certainly been on journeys to heal fears, I still think of myself as a fearful person deep down. "Perfect love casts out all fear" is a great mantra, but it is hard to access that perfect love all the time when you are deeply afraid. As faithful as God has been to me during times of fear in my life, I guess I needed a little bit more encouragement, especially as I compared myself (never a good idea!) to these seemingly fearless people.

I used to read a lot of Henri Nouwen. I devoured it. Just recently I read a quote from him that I haven't read for a long time and it just struck me deeply:

"Jesus dwells in your fearful, never fully received self...Where you are most human, most yourself, weakest, there Jesus lives. Bringing your fearful self home is bringing Jesus home"

I can't tell you how safe I feel knowing that Jesus lives in my fearful self. That where I feel most rejected and scared and weak is where Jesus embraces me?! Wowee. It feels good to my bones. And if it is true- that this is where Jesus lives, than I don't want to be like those people whose fears are securely hidden- I want Jesus front and centre! I want him out in the open! I want to see him daily! Working through my fears, showing me where he is, telling me he loves me, yes, even weak, human, fumbling,fearful elli.

partner

2010-10-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

I love this man.

So much is happening around us and between and to us and in all of it I'm so grateful that I can experience and filter it and enjoy it with David. He fills me with life and peace and laughter, freedom, bravery, honesty, adventure, wonder, love and challenge and joy and so much hope.

Thank you God.

New mercies

2010-09-19T13:55:00.000-07:00

"I remember it all...the feeling of hitting rock bottom.

But there's one thing I remember ,

and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God's love couldn't have run out,

His merciful love couldn't have dried up.

They're created new every morning.

How great is your faithfulness!

I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).

He's all I've got left.

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits

To the woman who diligently seeks.

Its a good thing to quietly hope

quietly hope for help from God

It's a good thing when you're young

To stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take

Go off by yourself. Enter the silence

Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:

Wait for hope to appear.

Don't run from trouble. Take it full face.

The "worst" is never the worst

Why? Because the master won't ever

Walk out and fail to return

If He works severely, he also works tenderly.

His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.

He takes no pleasure in making life hard

In throwing roadblocks in the way..."

-Lamentations, THE MESSAGE

...did I mention fragile?

2010-09-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

These last three weeks have made me painfully aware of how fragile I am.
I forgot that there are harsh reasons why not many flowers grow out of the rocks.
I've had a pretty smooth blessed life where if there's a set-back, it is usually my own fault and doing. But lately...

The rocks don't seem to stop. I'm a mixture of shock and disbelief and confusion. I've never experienced God like this before. Never without small glimpses. Never with my future hopes being pulled out like a rug from underneath my feet.

When God changes your shape, your body resists and it is painful. When God hides his face and you see clearly how weak you are and how meaningless it all is without him, it hurts! His Bigness is a huge source of sadness for me. I'm not seeing the Goodness in his Bigness.

I don't know what makes a flower grow on a mountain peak. Maybe it got there by a stray seed carried up by the wind. I don't know why or how it started to bud. I don't know what would possess you to blossom up there all alone, totally dependant for everything. Probably one day I'll feel blessed and honoured. Right now I'm grieving having to grow here.

Mountain meadows and a new promise

2010-08-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

David and I recently went up to Garibaldi for a couple days during my term break. This was what I most wanted to do on my break; I really needed the rest. God literally carried me through the last three terms, as he promised, and it was exhausting! I always feel at peace in the mountains and trees. I photosynthesize like a plant. God is the exuberant creator, and these praisers have been here for thousands of years. I wanted to go somewhere out of the city to camp so badly, and with only slight wavering trusted that God would provide. And provide He did: A vehicle to get us there (a classmate let us borrow her car without even directly asking her!) an extra day off work for David so we could spend more time in the mountains, amazing weather the whole time we were there, safety and protection with only a minor injury the last hike down, fresh, good food offered to us by other campers, and the most amazing, unexpected beautiful colour filled mountain meadows.

A good friend and mentor of mine once told me that God sees me as a mountain wildflower. This image has stayed with me for a long time, and continues to encourage and allure me. Hiking is extra special because of this. Although I don't feel particularly far from God ever, I had lately been thinking about my faults and shortcomings, and how inadequate and unfit for the righteousness and holiness of Heaven I am. I was feeling pretty...dull and dirty. I was totally unprepared for God's love to manifest so expansive and beautiful for me.

Our camp spot was 7.5 km up the in the mountains in a gorgeous meadow with tiny creeks and wild flowers. I was snapping photos like crazy! So much colour and life and beauty! The air smells different, the sounds are softer, so much green...There is nothing nothing like the wilderness! This is definitely a place I could meet with God!

We were hiking up Black Tusk on the second day when the path opened up into about an hour long mountain meadow. It actually stole our breath and we just stopped and said, "wow". As far as we could see the area was filled with wild flowers: indian paintbrush, sitka valerian, lupine, and many more:

There were creeks of fresh glacier water trickling down the mountain feeding the flowers and the friendly buzz of bees. I'd never been to an area that beautiful before.

And then it really hit: this is for me. God's hidden creation going crazy between mountains. So alive and fresh and colourful and beautiful and wild. A gift for me to see and breathe in and appreciate.

The pictures don't do it justice, as they never do, but the real thing was such a real reminder for me of God's love-his specific and intentional love- towards me. He knows how to woo me, how to pull me in again when I get fogged up by the city and who He is to everybody else.

I literally just realized as I write this that this is the promise I need for the new school terms. God carried me through the last three, as he promised in my theme verse. But this is a new term, with new challenges. He says I am a mountain flower, able to grow and thrive in the most unlikely spots. And I do want to thrive and live and bring life and mature. I want to bring bright purple to rocky grey. I want to be tough, but delicate.

On the same hike up Black Tusk, at 7600 ft, after inching up volcanic rock slide to get to the top, nothing but snow and black stone, we discovered flowers growing out of the rock:

God, may you make me a symbol so powerful. Amen.

enough

2010-08-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

God alone is enough.

Let nothing upset you,

let nothing startle you.

All things pass;God does not change.

Patience wins all it seeks.

Whoever has God lacks nothing:

God alone is enough

- St Teresa Avila

Balance

2010-07-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

When you lean too far one way, you've got to correct yourself with an exaggerated weight shift to the other side...But not too much or you'll fall. Concentrate on the centre line.

The more I look around, the more I open my eyes and really notice...
All of creation is supporting me.
The trees use their branches to lift me up
The wind pushes at my slouching back
The sun sends energy into my palms and eyes
Friends laughter feeds my empty stomach
Hugs give me rest.
My ficus, asparagus fern, aloe vera and jade plants tell me to thrive
Davie Street traffic noises say life will continue
Finally the apartment is clean.
And once again, I'm dreaming big plans and big pictures
Wobbley. Shakey. Cautiously.
Walking.

Balance might really just be hope and trust. No step feels secure, yet it doesn't make me slip. I don't know who God is. I'm really only beginning to know who I am...and if that even matters. I don't know how to live the good life. But I think I have it in spite of me. I pray in the promises of the true friend. That He carries me, sustains me, gives me balance, for His namesake.

"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my saviour, and my hope is in you all day long" - Psalm 25:4-5

Dry cup

2010-07-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

Uh oh.

I recognize this feeling.

I have very little energy for school. Zero motivation and no concern for test marks.

Tragic things happen to class mates and I have no sympathy.

The wise and peaceful path is rejected for the path of least resistance.

Everything starts to be a bigger deal than it is. And if I can actually realize that, that in itself is energy.

I could say I just need sleep, but I'm on a week long streak of nightmares (seriously).

My prayers sound more like pleas, and I don't fall into my usual delight in conversation with God. I'm crouching away, much to my frustration.

My glass it seems, is running dry. I recognize the signs. I know how this is. Although before I've been able to avoid it, the truth is I've done a really miserable job of resting this year. Part my fault, part that circumstances are difficult. How frustrating! My mind sends me in winding cylindrical tornadoes of no good: well life isn't about me there are people out there with much worse situations complaining won't do any good but i can't do anything else i've got no energy i don't want to be miserable but i don't know if i can recognize where to make the choice...

My Mom used to tell me when I was in a bad mood to go and help someone. This usually always does help, but I'm afraid that I don't have any overflow to give. Giving takes so much energy. And I think I know that energy comes from spending time receiving from God, but my actions don't resemble this type of knowledge.

I don't know if this summer has found you busier than you'd like, or more exhausted than you expected. I do have a warning: that this unrest must be met with rest. That tension must be let go to receive comfort, despite how selfish it may look or feel. That my striving must be stripped off and covered with grace. That I must say, "I'M STILL LEARNING ABOUT ALL OF THIS!!" and receive humility and grace. Oh God-Dad. Fill my cup.

Personal ritual 1

2010-07-12T14:56:00.001-07:00

Growing up, my sister and I were constantly burying things in our yard. We had a collection of beautiful rocks that we’d placed in the small garden by the App’s fence, a beaded necklace in the bald patch of dirt where the maple tree from the neighbor’s bent over exhausted into our yard. We’d barter the leaves in transition colors to one another in fall; they were so beautiful. We never thought to press them between our Parent’s thick blue speckled Dictionary and keep them forever.

I buried coins in a sock, and never found it again, deep in the forest of tamaracks behind our house. It was mostly pennies. Another one barely lasted a year. It was more of an experiment really, glue gun sealed shut. I had made that one with a friend, which is something I never did usually- share my secrets. The candies made it through the winter, but I didn’t want to eat them.

I think of how the owners of the house must respond now, when digging up the gardens to find bald Barbies with duct-tape outfits, cracked glass marbles, letters wedged into plastic bottles. It wasn’t just outside either: the letters that could fit behind the fireplace edging, poems stuffed in corners of closets, glass figurines in crawl spaces, the space between the floor and what we though was an immovable china cabinet (when we realized the new owners might move it we tried desperately to scoop out the secret over dramatic notes we had slid in years before). I hope they aren’t found yet.

The spark for all of this hiding and burying may have started from old pirate movies we used to watch as kids, or from the miraculous discovery of a 1900’s reader in our neighbor’s tree house. It was old, their own kids into their late twenties. Buried under some dry rusty leaves was this fantastic moldy book. We didn’t take it down from the tree house, even though we’d be the last ones to ever go up there. It was fascinating to think of what this book meant, whose it was, and why they never came back up for it. I loved the idea of burying secret treasures, and imaging the thousands of other people who might be doing the same thing. Burying treasures and stories. Who knew how many trinkets were littering the soil underneath yards?

I was always on the search for treasure hunts. I assumed that others would be too, and I wanted them to actually find something. Even now, sometimes I pick up objects that I find.

God still speaks to me this way, giving me hints to where truth might be found, hiding where I don’t think he’ll be, littering my path with treasures that mean something to only the two of us. He is always reminding me that what is buried underneath, unseen, can be of infinite worth; so close to budding and sprouting up.

Admittedly, if David and I had a yard, I would probably be burying things in it. This probably ups my weirdness level. Maybe I’m part dog. Scattering my belongings in places only I know about. Gathering up my dreams and burying them…Hoping and waiting to see if new growth will come. Something me buried, my stories, all around.

Breath-life

2010-06-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

" The hand of the Lord was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of dry bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"

I said, " O Sovereign Lord, you alone know". Then he said to me, " Prophesy to these bones and say to them,' Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you,and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord". -Ezekiel 37:1-6

Read through twice slowly.

Does a word or phrase stand out to you? What is the passage inviting you to?

Is there an area of life that you see as lifeless, dry, hopeless, ineffective? Ask Jesus to reveal such a place to you. Ask Jesus what he plans to do with that place.

Is there an area God wants to breathe life into? Ask God to rule sovereign over that place.

Have you been believing a lie about God's powers to create? Have you been trying to bring things to life without God?

Sit with this passage, breathing.

Inhale...God's living breath in you

Exhale...Your fears of the dyings and dust in you

Inhale...God's new life

Exhale...The life that "seems right"

Inhale...God's powerful love for you

Exhale...The compulsion to work for it

Inhale...

Exhale...

" And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them..."

a general sense

2010-06-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is (perhaps a Good God) but despite a messy apartment with too many crafts and projects left undone, crazy school schedule and a large obsession with winning the lottery, I find myself with a general sense of wellbeing. Yahoo!

I am so grateful for David

I am so grateful for the sun and the reflection off the apartments that gives us light for an extra hour it seems

I am so grateful our apartment didn't burn down last night when we forgot hot oil on the stove and it burst into flames

I am so grateful for people that smile at me while I'm walking, or on the bus

For the lady at Capers with an obnoxiously large crystal necklace

For the truth that simplicity is better

For the amber necklace

For frozen waffles from Capers

I miss old friends and the chance to connect with them. I miss having creative productivity. But life is good. Now I've got to go do the dishes.

2010-06-22T20:51:00.001-07:00

I went against my will and I'm here
Because I forgot my coat.

I wonder
Am I following the true-est thing?

I dance with strangers on the beach while old men watch
I breathe and savour washing my hands with warm water
I try to avoid dark staircases dark hallways darkness
and phone calls

I talk and reveal too much and this makes me uncool.
Clothes and food make me angry

I am sure I'll never be happier than when we laugh together in bed about something
only we would laugh about it is sweet pure sound.

I pray heart attacks (myocardial infarcts)
I pray heart attacks for people I don't like
and then
I take it back
And instead pray for me to see them differently
reluctantly

Too often its a third person view and I
think about thinking that I'm thinking I'm thinking

I am violently and recklessly everywhere in my thoughts
And I don't stop
not for sleep
not for prayer
not for sex

This is what I fall back on
When I breathe I know for certain that
only God could tame me
love me
attract me
distract me
pull me into such devotion and loyalty

That I'd be here
Because of a coat

hold and release

2010-06-09T21:40:00.001-07:00

" The inward reality of simplicity involves a life of joyful unconcern for ones possessions. Neither the greedy nor the miserly know this liberty. It comes from an inward spirit of trust."

I've been thinking a lot about holding and releasing.

Holding onto what energy I do have, not giving my time away to others or to God, thinking that if I do, I'll be left empty...

...And releasing that lie, spending exhausted hours with children who God speaks through to say that He loves me using our very personal symbols.

Holding onto my money and carefully laying out what I'll buy with what money worrying about money when I'm richer than most people in the world...

...And releasing by realizing that if God takes my wallet out of my purse he does it for a reason, and lo and behold I am still provided for and taken care of.

Holding onto my pride and stubborness selfishness and defensiveness..

...And releasing it with apologies and tears.

Holding onto my striving and self-improvements

...And releasing myself into the spacious and refreshing freedom of God's grace.

I often reason in my head that holding on makes better sense. It seems safer. But there is no abundant life there. There is no real peace or love there. You can't get filled if you've put the cap on.

May God show us what we're holding on to...

And invite us to release ourselves from fear...and into trust.

monday grace and prayer

2010-05-31T23:07:00.000-07:00

You say grace before meals.

All right…

But I say grace before the concert and the opera,

and grace before the play and pantomime,

and grace before I open a book,

and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip

the pen in the ink.

- GK Chesterton

Where do you need to say grace in your life?

Where do you need to accept God's grace?

Where in your life do you find it the hardest to believe in grace?

Have you been believing a lie about God and his grace?

Think of a time when you received or gave grace...What did it feel like? What happened?

Most Gracious God-Dad,

We pretend like we can't run to you when we fail- but you're gracious.

We think we have no worth- But you gave it to us.

We act like everything depends on us- But it depends solely on you. And you love us.

Thank you. Help us to receive and even ask for grace this week. Yikes! Help us to be brave.

Amen.

Why trees

2010-05-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

I love to talk to people. I love having conversations that build and grow and excite me with new revelations and thoughts. I love sharing where I am in my faith. I do however, embarass myself sometimes with what I say, or the length of time I just continue talking, not fully articulating what it is, too excited to think before I speak, flailing my arms and twisting my face.

A couple of days ago I was talking a lot during a life-group Bible Study. I was talking too much. Part of my compulsion to talk is that I process out loud. Anways, I don't have a lot of grace for myself in this. Later in the night I had a little epiphany about it. I don't have many other friends who want to sit around with me and just talk about God. I could fill my whole day with it. When I do finally get my once a week chance to talk and share, I gorge. This little realization gave me so much peace and forgiveness. It is hard to be tender with oneself when you are a "needs less" rather than "needs more" person. I don't need to share more or risk more or talk more. I have intensity and obnoxiousness and loudness. I need so much less of those things.

Part of why I love trees relates to this in a round about way. They take up space. Sometimes a lot. It is often in an inconvenient area of town that a tree decides to branch out and fill up as much sky room as possible. A tree that is tangled and knotted with branches dissecting into more branches is so beautiful to me. The more they put out there, the more I appreciate them.

I don't have much of a vocabulary. But I do have passion for the things I write and speak about.
To put my little thoughts out into the world is always a risk. May I be reminded by possibly the second greatest creation ever that growing big and branching out isn't neccessarily a bad thing. I may not be able to change it...And maybe God doesn't really want to.

under the sun

2010-05-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

"...I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives..."

The few days.

Although I can't see ahead of me I imagine it to be a string of memories. Maybe 20 more, to be a bead on my life necklace. When I really think about it, the past 24 years are reduced to a few days I keep with me. They loop around in my head, almost daily: the first memory, of standing in Medicine Hat on the sidewalk, barefoot. Ants making hills in soft brown sand between the cracks of cement. There is the smell and feel of spring in Kimberley, of walking home from school, running on the field grass. There is the memory of deep confusion and loneliness. There is the memory of pure joy, dancing around mirror lake alone at night. They are all just a few days of significance.

Life for me is really just getting into the swing of things. I'm not able to look back on 50 years and finally understand. I do however, when hearing this verse, think about making my days count. Really. Not even just for God (when is a day not for God? If I'm up and smiling its His doing!) but to know I've really lived. I live in a country where I can have anything I want (well, besides clean air silence and sequoia trees) and have health and a pretty good functioning brain (talk to me after school is done). Yet, because everything is at my fingertips, I don't want to sit back and say I'll do it when the sun is out. I don't want to waste.

Then I realized it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him- for this is his lot. More-over, when God gives any man wealth and possessions and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work- this is a gift of God.

I guess for me, the best way not to waste my days is to appreciate them. To say thank you for them. To acknowledge the gifts that have been given to me- the challenges God has presented me with. I pray God continues to fill me with His gladness of heart.

Spirit

2010-05-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

Spirit

You are a reckless creative resident within me. I don't know how to address you.

Take my silence as respect. Take my silence as apology.

Take my silence as a plea. I love you.

Don't ever leave me. Don't ever leave me.

Carry me..

2010-05-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

Instead of studying today I fell asleep in the hot sun for 4 hours. My exhaustion level is peaking. It isn't just school either, meaning the workload. It is the difficult social interactions with the hurt confused angry unforgiving prideful and fearful. It is the self examinations to find I'm pretty much in the exact same boat. It is the questions I have, the concerns for others, the prayers I am still waiting on. It is the frustration aimed at myself for not being able to see past all of this.

The verse chosen for me this year is Isaiah 46:4 "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
How can I be like me when I have this kind of promise? I'm a special case. But just in case you are too...Here is a song that goes through my head a lot. "River Constantine" by Jars of Clay

Carry me, your love is wider than my need could ever be
Come to me, and I will walk along your shore line
Feel your crashing waves sing in time
With the beating of my heart

Pour out, come down on me
Pour out, come down on me

River deep, could I know you as well as you know me?
Constantine, will we travel faster farther
than these legs could ever trustworthy be?

Pour out, come down on me
Come down, pour out on me

* picture by Beatrice Alemagna

Save us from

2010-05-14T22:47:00.000-07:00

Save us from night,
from bleak open highways without end,
and the fluorescent oasis of gas stations,
from the gunning of immortal engines past midnight,
when time has no meaning,
from all-night cafes,
their ghoulish slices of pie,
and the orange ruffle on the apron of the waitress,
the matching plastic chairs,
from orange and brown and all unearthly colours,
banish them back to the test tube,
save us from them,
from those bathrooms with a moonscape of skin in the mirror,
from fatigue,
its merciless brightness,
when each cell of the body stands on end,
and the sensation of teeth,
and the mind's eternal sentry,
and the unmapped city
with its cold bed.
Save us from insomnia,
its treadmill,
its school bells and factory bells,
from living rooms like the tomb,
their plaid chesterfields
and galaxies of dust,
from chairs without arms,
from any matched set of furniture,
from floor-length drapes which close out the world,
from padded bras and rented suits,
from any object in which horror is concealed.
Save us from waking after nightmares,
save us from nightmares,
from other worlds,
from the mute, immobile contours of dressers and shoes,
from another measureless day, save us.

- Roo Borson

Just you.

2010-05-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

Just your presence God.
Just you.
Not the pleasure of it
Not the joy or the peace
Not the rose outlook
Not the answers

Just your presence God.
Just you.
Not my imaginings
Not my boxes and ideas
Not what I want to hear
Not what I am comfortable believing
Not because I am sick of my own weak presence though I am

Just your presence God.
Just you.
Not in a form I think I know
Not at a time I make room for
Not because I am anxious

Not because I should
Not because of anything I've ever done or not done or attempted
Not because I love you
Not because of anything to do with me at all

Just your presence God.
Just you.

Monday April 12- Emmaus

2010-04-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

Do you sometimes find yourself on the road to Emmaus? You've just experienced some amazing spiritual highs, or incredibly close times with God.Then, as they always do,the weeks pass. Are you like me? Do you somehow find that you've forgotten who is walking beside you? That this dear friend has become somewhat of a stranger, unrecognizable?

Scripture reflection: Luke 24:13-35 On the Road to Emmaus

1. Imagine yourself walking down the dirt road to Emmaus with Jesus. Is it a sunny day? Rainy?Feel the dirt being kicked up onto your sandals. Like the two disciples, maybe it is hard to see Jesus' face, to really recognize him. There is so much talk about what is going on, and who Jesus is.

2. Ask Jesus if you have been believing any misconceptions about him. Have you been believing a lie about Jesus? Have you created a Jesus that isn't real?

3. Thank Jesus for revealing himself to you. Ask him to replace the lie with a truth. Continue to walk with him. Do you have anything you really want to get off your chest? Share it with Jesus. See how he responds.

4. Listen and receive Jesus' love, continuing to walk with him. Is he inviting you to anything? Is he promising you anything?

God of mercy and compassion, your Word calls us home to faith and love. Accept all we offer you today, and help us to continue to receive all you have given. In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

Lectio and thoughts for Monday April 5

2010-04-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

(Read through 2-3 times slowly. Pray for a word or phrase to stand out for you. Sit with it. Ask why it may be these words or phrase for you at this time. What are you being invited to? Say a prayer of thanks for this revelation)

Psalm 67

May God be gracious to us and bless us

And make His face to shine upon us

That your ways may be known on earth

Your salvation among all nations

May the peoples praise you O God

May all the peoples praise you

May the nations be glad and sing for joy

For you rule the peoples justly

And guide the nations of the earth

May the peoples praise you O God

May all the peoples praise you

Then the land will yield its harvest

and God, our God will bless us

God will bless us

And all the ends of the earth will fear him

Update

2010-04-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

Easter this year, felt a bit like New Years. As though it is at Easter we should make new resolutions and put to death the things of "last year". I am going to go with that feeling.
Instead though, of making lenten and January resolutions of not eating sugar, exercising more etc etc I want to just TRUST. Trust that what I do get done is enough. Trust and feel God's presence and mercy and love. Trust that He's guiding me. Trust that I'm loved and beautiful. Trust in a future I couldn't possibly have imagined or created for myself.

David is almost home (4 days!) and I can hardly contain myself. This month alone has been so challenging, overwhelming spiritually, but also really really good. I really let myself experience the spaciousness in my life. Instead of marching through the grid-lines of an hour by hour schedule, I let myself breathe. Instead of racing out the door in the morning, disheveled and chaotic, I prayed. Instead of occupying myself at all hours of the day, I sat on the couch, in silence, with a cup of tea and just sat there. No music, no agenda, no major thought or dilemma.
I learnt how to be a little bit more at peace. I learnt how to be a better wife! I'm excited to see how or if I can continue in this way when David gets back, or if I will be stepping into a new learning environment. Either way, there will be no beating myself up over it!

One goal I do have, however: I actually started to like blogging. WHAT?! I still want to make it more useful. I hope to make Monday the day I can post a Lectio Divina or other listening exercise for anyone to do if they choose throughout the week. I'll still blog when I feel the need, too. I need to have some intentional listening time for myself, and I know people go on the computer more than they would like. So if you happen to be wandering around and stumble on my page, maybe you can do the exercise, or maybe it can be a reminder that there are more important things to be doing than looking at a friend of a friends facebook photos.

God is very near. He is so close. I often get the sensation of him breathing, and I want to listen. I want to quiet down and listen carefully. Even in his breathing, he is saying something important.

Jesus in the Elevator

2010-03-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

When I was a young girl, from about 11-14, I had a lot of dreams about the after-life, and Jesus coming. Even now, every so often, Jesus will show up in my dreams.

One in particular, when I was about 14, I'll never forget.

Jesus came to my school in an elevator. He came down to my floor level and the doors opened up. Inside the elevator were some girls from my class and confetti and music. They were having a party with Jesus, and I knew they were going up to Heaven.
Jesus looked at me, looked at the floor button panel and asked if I wanted to come up.

"Maybe next time" I said.

I think I knew there wouldn't be a next time. I remember being really jealous and put off that the other girls were with Jesus, and seemed to be having a super great time.

The big thing was that I didn't like those girls.

Can I say that? I do not like everybody. I think I've tried to block out where my heart has been holding love from people, in attempts to feel that I am actually being a "good christian" and caring for everyone. Is that an unwritten rule in our lives? That we can't talk about the seriously negative feelings we hold against people?As a whole, I don't think we talk about having "enemies". It has recently been coming up a lot in my life. I prayed for God to teach me to love all people like he does, and immediately I resisted the idea that everyone is worthy of God's love. It is a little scary to say that out loud. I do not think loving people is easy. Actually it is impossible without God.

So, remembering that dream again, it causes me to think about why I was so against getting in the elevator with Jesus and those girls.

I like people, but when it comes to me and Jesus, our relationship is intimate. I don't want to share it with anyone else. I have a great husband; probably the best in the whole world (but he loves me- so back off!!) While I make sure he knows how I feel about him, I don't go around flaunting it, or bragging. Really, our relationship is too deep and complex to properly convey it to anyone. I think that about my relationship with God; how are you supposed to explain to someone that God is my greatest lover, gracious Father, Spirit living in me and my closest friend?

Also, admitting that God loves the people who have hurt those I love or just drive me absolutely crazy is a hard pill to swallow. It makes me want to puke!

Sometimes the answers are so simple and straightforward and beautiful. Loving your enemies and praying for them isn't easy at all. At least, it doesn't come naturally to me. Tonight we were led at Life Group to do a fun type of intercessory prayer. I was so excited; I had so many people on my heart. Then God flipped it upside down for me. All the names of people he was bringing to my mind were people I DESPISED! Not just that bugged me or had hurt me, but people whose very names make my heart pound and give me the creeps or make me cringe and clench my jaw. He wanted me to pray for them. I wanted to vomit. And even though I did write down their names and give them to God, I didn't do it very willingly. As soon as I got home I cried and cried. It is exhausting and so unfamiliar to me to pray for THOSE people. Even now, I'm verging on anxiety. It is SO against my nature.

But I really do want to learn. I can't believe I'm even saying that. On one hand I know that people who distress me and anger me will always spring up in my life, so it is best to just deal with it. On the other hand, God's upside down kingdom pulls and pulls at my curiosity. I really do want to experience it- no matter the pain involved. The freedom on the other side must be glorious! Still I wonder how this will look in the coming days. I wonder, even with God, if this is truly possible.

I wonder, if I had that dream again, and Jesus came down with some people I hate, if my uncensored dream self would hop in, or if I'd wait again for an elevator that isn't making a second trip down.

Lent fast failure

2010-02-19T22:12:00.001-08:00

As always, I gave up sweets for Lent this year.
Only I forgot and ate a fortune cookie...And made apple crumble with brown sugar.
Three days into Lent.

I'm actually quite happy. It made me think.

I'm not satisfied with the , "give something up, take something on" approach to Lent. Does the why ever get asked? Not the, "to be healthier, to spend less" but the real why?

Every year I've tried to give up sweets or sugar for Lent. I always fail, and so, feeling bad, quit Lent. But that is the thing: you can't quit Lent, because you can't win or fail. I've been going through Lent like I go through life- subconsciously trying to be perfect, focusing on sticking to my resolutions (which doesn't happen), forgetting that I CANNOT BE PERFECT? Which is why we NEED Christ, and what his whole life is about??!?

My advent was beautiful.It was rich; it had depth meaning and many conversations with God. Because of that, my Christmas was powerful. I'm really thinking my Lent should be the same. Different revelations, different lessons. Like that one about grace I keep forgetting.

The cross and all it stands for often escapes me. I just don't contemplate it enough. I think it makes me uncomfortable. In the cross, is my wholeness, freedom, closeness...and it stands there. Patiently (which it certainly doesn't have to do) quietly (which it really doesn't have to do) and with the most graceful and gentle invitation.

My Lent this year isn't going to be 40 days of trying to be perfect. Maybe the exact opposite: realizing and admitting to all my broken and grungy places- and inviting Jesus there.

Maybe I'll start with my super huge sweet tooth ;)

Joan of Arc

2010-02-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

Our life group went to see a performance on the trial of Joan of Arc.

I did a little research about her when I got home.
The first time she heard "voices" she was twelve in a field. She didn't want to leave because the voices were so beautiful.

Sometimes God is predictable. He takes the peasant and turns them into a saint. He takes the woman and turns her into a military hero. He takes that which isn't and makes it into something which is- impossibly- for his glory. It all points to him.

During her trial, right before she was killed, she stopped herself and said that she had committed a terrible sin- denying God for fear of death. Despite all the incredible things that God accomplished through her, she had serious guts. She once tried to escape her imprisonment by jumping out of a 70 foot high window. She returned to battle after an arrow wound in the neck! And yet, she was human. She feared for her life. But she didn't stop. She set things right before she died.

It is said that her wisdom and choice of wording during her trial had those persecuting her stupified. To me that word means, "God put those words in her mouth".

Ultimately this nineteen year old girl died a martyr. She was so so so brave.

It leads me to wonder what it means. For us, for me. I know I'm pretty extreme but it makes me think of our shallow comfortable culture and how we worry about what we'll wear or eat and if we "fit in" and how to entertain ourselves and keep ourselves occupied. Occupied for fear of being silent and open. For fear of being used by God for incredible purposes. I honestly do believe that there are stories of this magnitude God wants to write in our day and age. I feel the urgency. I feel the urgency for even subtle miracles. i pray and PLEAD that God fills my heart and mind and ears and I don't occupy myself. I don't want to be too busy to be used by God. That terrifies me!

Joan of Arc, as controversial as she may be has become one of my mentors. May I listen to the beautiful voices of heaven and remain faithful to them.

finding a pulse

2010-01-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

I was talking today with a history major about some of the atrocious things people did to other people in the "name of Christ". He went to a Catholic school and was taught by nuns (and I'm assuming had a fairly negative experience, seeing as he is a homosexual). Someone added to the conversation how there isn't really a need for God when Science can explain everything and the power of positive thinking and self realization meets the needs. Another person piped into the conversation saying that Churches today in Vancouver are social hang outs and not much more.

And I felt very ashamed. I know that what they are viewing as Christian is far from the truth, but there is truth to the fact that that may be all they know of us. I've really been trying to tap into my freedom- the freedom I have to be joyful and fearless, comfortable in my own skin without guilt,full of peace and humility and patience, but I still struggle with squirming out of the "christian expectation". To testify when ever needed, to witness, to evangelize to guide and confess and share to worship to "shine my light" and sprinkle my salt. Mostly I was ashamed because I knew that what they were saying (well except for the no need for God part) was true- especially about churches in Canada. I was ashamed for lukewarms "christians" everywhere.

Because lately I've been searching for the deepest truest most sincere love filled and overflowing people and they haven't come from the churches or christians i know (of course, there are exceptions...but it shouldn't have to be just exceptions). Where are the groups of Christians who BELIEVE and act out of that belief? Who selflessly give, not worrying about their city status? Who reflect Jesus' non mushy very real and transforming compassion? Where are these people whose lives look different? Who can testify to Gods GENTLE but enormous POWER to change? Is Christianity totally changing? What would God say about "his followers" in this day and age?

I am most certainly guilty of not living a God pleasing Jesus following life. Jesus was a radical man. When did I ever get the idea that following him would not look radically different?

I still try to love my God and still know that deep deep reality that Jesus lives, and I know that there are people who've taken the call seriously. I just wish Vancouver could see it.

joy

2009-12-11T17:34:00.000-08:00

I don't think of myself as a very joyful person...and God convicted me recently to remember I am his child and that it is something to be very very happy and joyful about.

Little things have been happening that show me God has planted a deep joy in my heart. One of our teachers brings her dog into the class and whenever I see her(the dog) she runs up to me and licks me and gets all excited, ready to play. My teacher says her dog has a special recognition for my joyful spirit. The Pastor's wife at church said her kids really like me- that I'm a joy magnet. When I get home after school I get so happy to be around David's gentleness and humour. I wish it translated so that I could deeply know and experience it.

It is hard to live in Vancouver. All the things I hear on the bus about bloodletting ceremonies, gay men breaking up marriages to sleep with the man, all my homeless friends I see everyday, and the shameful thought inside my head when I am exhausted; I hope I don't see them today. I cry on my walk home from church nearly every sunday, partly from the relief of seeing families and couples that love eachother, and partly because so much of what I am experiencing here at this point in life is challenging.

I think God will have much to say to me this Christmas about joy.

look and listen for awhile

2009-11-16T17:09:00.000-08:00

(picture by "groundwork", check her out on etsy.com!)

honest intention

2009-11-12T20:26:00.000-08:00

"Jesus our Hope,
Make us into humble people of the Gospel.
We would so much like to understand that
The best in us is built up by a very simple
Trust...
Even a child can manage it".

- Brother Roger, Taize

within the classroom

2009-10-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

Midterms are among us at Utopia Academy.
We are STRESSED!
The energy in the classroom today was like waiting in the wings to go on stage...so much anxiety and nervousness.
For the first half of our Myology (the study of muscles) midterm we had to know (well, should have known :)) 540 different facts about muscles. That is a lot to be tested on! The second midterm today was for Clinical Assessment. You were paired off and then went into the room with the examiner and did a series of tests and assessments. Apparently the teachers (examiners) were being harsh and hard faced. Classmates were coming out of the test area crying! Today was a high intensity day.
Everyone gives an answer to beat the midterm or test stress:
"You are not your marks"
"calmness and understanding overcome fear and anxiety"
" It doesn't matter. Plenty of people have done it before and you can too. Stress doesn't help anything."

Some, I would agree with. They just don't have any staying power. Sometimes you'll be studying and you feel so incredibly stupid. Just incapable of ever getting through it. What am I doing? You say. Why did I think I could do this? I come home in tears many days. Exhausted. Just this morning I was thinking, if only you didn't have to pay for school...I'd have run away to Peru long ago! I wonder, why God, did you call me here? What is the purpose of this? What am I supposed to learn, and can we get it over quickly?

Today my partner was 38 year old Aya, from Japan. She is extremely shy. I have tremendous respect for her, coming to school (which is not easy) and learning it in her second language!
After doing some practise palpations, we sat down on a massage table and started to talk. She said she was so nervous, that she blanks out, finds school scary and feels so stupid.
"Me too, Aya! I find school so hard!"
She looks at me with these open, genuine eyes and says with relief, "Really?"
(Aya once told me that I was the epitemy of a western culture woman! Ha! What does that mean?!) We continued to talk about crying when we get home, crying when someone says something nice to us, crying after people die and thinking there are no tears left and then...there are more! She said in Japan she is considered "highly emotional" and people don't like to be near that type of person. Here she is the quietest and least obnoxious of the bunch! We laugh about this and continue talking. I know that for a Japanese person to reveal this much about themselves is very rare.
I have been really struggling with having the motivation to continue with schooling. I don't like going to school and I find it incredibly challenging emotionally and spiritually. Aya told me that she thinks about quitting nearly everyday, but that giving up would be easy, and she wants to be here. Wow. I need to stop being a baby!! I have so many advantages and still find myself whining and sniveling about the trivial things. I admire Aya's focus.
When it was our turn to go in for testing, we did just fine. I don't think it was because we listened to the advice people offered. Something about knowing you are not alone not only in the world, but yes, even just in the classroom, is so reassuring.

Hands

2009-10-14T17:19:00.001-07:00

Last year God gave me an incredible invitation to trust.
Even though, for the most part, my hands are extended, open, ready to receive, I still go back to worrying, with hands rubbing nervously.
Everytime I leave the house I think, " Will I see David tonight? Will he be okay today?"
I read blogs and hear stories of women who've lost their husbands and I think, "God, did I read that because I too will lose David?"
I'm going to school to become a massage therapist. We always talk about the privilege of putting your hands on people.
Today there was a rugged, beautiful smiling man by my bus stop. I smiled, but I didn't want to give him money. I wanted to hold his hand in mine and say, "I see you" .
Life is uncertain. Jesus promises that in this life we will have troubles. I can't foresee what suffering will be included in mine.

I say this prayer in the morning, and I mean every word (I think it comes from Taize)

I bind my mind to the mind of Christ
I bind my heart to the deep love of God
I bind my feet to the path you have for my life
I bind my hands to receive all that you have for me
And to bless all that they touch.

Our hands make us so capable. There are over 10 muscles in the hand alone! Touch is powerful. Touch makes us incredibly vulnerable. I want to go back to that place of trust with God. I want to have my hands open, knowing that, although pain will happen, God will never leave me. God's love will never leave me. God is trustworthy.

2009-05-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

"The presence of God is the finest of rewards" (pg.63, Life of Pi)

Mama warmed the plates too hot!

2009-05-06T14:27:00.001-07:00

We were having dinner the other night and my mom was being so clever. It was very cold out, and she thought the perfect way to warm us all up was to put the plates in the oven to warm them up like they sometimes do in restaurants...Only she forgot them there...And so as we ate my brother refused to touch anything, grumbling complaining, and my mom burnt her fingers. Our cold carrots sizzled. It was hilarious.
It is times like these that make me so happy and give me a sense of freedom. Something I love about women is their humanity. I know I'm never going to "make it". Right now, waiting just three months until I'm married, going off to school for something I really want to do and moving to Vancouver and living off my measley savings account, I'm filled with a lot of anxiousness and fear. Will our marriage last? Will I be a good wife? Will I like my school? Will the stress be too much? I know it doesn't take very much for me to fall apart when I'm standing alone. GRACE GRACE GOD'S GRACE! AND MERCY! IN MY TIME OF NEED! I love to hear the spring birds chirping out a song of, "God provides! God provides!" and I'm sticking to that...As hard as it might be...To trust he considers the birds of the air, the flowers of the field...little ol'me and my silly fears and worries.
Something I do have to just say though: I am so in love with Jesus. I am so blessed and humbled to walk with him. We have an unshakable relationship. I feel so secure in his love. Throughout this year, I never imagined that my faith and trust in God would be so strengthened. In all of my brokeness and anxiety and failures and short comings, God is so good.
We tried to say grace before we ate, and we singed our hands a little, laughed, and just surrendered. I can present no illusion of myself as a put together, in control, successful woman before God. I'm just a beautiful mess :) and so we say with burnt fingers, come LORD Jesus, be our guest, and let these gifts to us be blest, Amen.

Reach out and touch someone

2009-04-22T14:16:00.000-07:00

Recently on Facebook, this application called, "top fives" has been coming up. One of the top fives today was, "Top five cell phones you've had since your first one". I barfed a little in my mouth. Not because I think cell phones are the work of the devil (ha) but that people who constantly use text messaging as communicating are being deceived. Mobile phone companies and commercials for a number of appliances say things like, "stay connected, get connected" lalala. Lately I have been thinking a lot about how writing what you are doing at that exact moment is not connecting. If you use things like twitter etc. for promotion purposes that is fine, but I think when your primary source of communication with a loved one is through typed words you are really missing out. You are not connecting. You are not engaging. I think of one of my favourite quotes from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: "constantly talking is not neccesarily communicating".

Our world is starving for connection. Rob Bell talks a lot about it in his book, Sex God. We are a disconnected people trying to connect. I have a couple suggestions. Talk to the old man who walks by you and smiles. Shake hands with both of your hands, holding for a second, looking into a person's eyes. Sit for 6 hours while a Congolese woman braids your hair and tells you stories ;) Go for a walk with someone. Be vulnerable. I think it is so frustrating to me because the solution is so simple, and yet we are so afraid. I am curious, if we could be honest, really honest with a few people, would we feel that connection? Who do you miss right now? Who are you thinking about? How are you feeling distant from God? In what areas of your life and heart? We are all broken, and we all have the ability to go to God and ask for some stitches.

It feels like there are no strangers
Anymore
Go anywhere, walk downtown
I’ve seen your face before
Your walk, that smile

And you’ll remember how I collected wet leaves
From the pavement
Though we’ll never talk

Without fear, that which makes us human
Sews us together
Camaraderie of patchwork pieces

I’m skipping
Weightless with truth:
So deeply connected to
Everyone

Sarai poem

2009-04-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

Sarai

Laughing in the face of God
You have a bad rep

A nomadic life with a man who can’t explain
The powerful pull of promise

Once the agony of barrenness turned into
Sacrifice
A slave turned lover with new found contempt
Was everything inside you burning?
Weren’t you just trying to help?
A partner’s journey into doubt and futility

I understand
I would have laughed too

Doesn’t it hurt just as much
Entertaining an impossible dream
As it does to give one up?

Hushed waves

2009-03-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

David and I were doing some listening prayer together one night when I was having difficulty composing myself (read: crying like a baby) and we were listening for a word for one another. David is really gifted at seeing pictures, and on this particular night he saw me as a wave in the ocean, and Jesus wading into the water on the beach, about ankle deep.

It really threw me back, because it is a very unusual image for me. Usually Jesus and I are chillin' out, doing something or Jesus is being sassy or comforting me. I didn't really know what to think, though it was a very nice image.

Am I afraid of Jesus? Do I shyly nip at his ankles and then retreat? Am I a wind-wave that is moved by the Holy Spirit? Am I the waves of pride like in Job? Is my righteousness like the waves (I doubt it) in Isaiah? I don't know!! Maybe still I am missing the point?

What makes sense to me right now is that, like it says in Psalm 107:29, " He stilled the storm to a whisper, the waves of the sea were hushed". I feel that my life is pretty darn stormy right now, that my heart is often complaining and whining and questioning God. Is he telling me to put a sock in it? That his very presence should still me? Maybe, if I would stop spinning in circles and just tried to listen, he would calm me?

I have been reading Ecclesiastes and there was a section about "Standing in Awe of God" . It said something very interesting, " Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong" (Ecc. 5:1). When we go to church, go to listen to God. Don't go to consume and criticize. Don't go to be "filled". Go,because you want to be open and silent and useless before God. Go to listen. Go to be in awe of who God is. Wow.

Another verse that popped into my head along the same time as David saw that picture for me was "I will fight for you, you need only to be still". My inner fighter feels weak and passive right now.I know that my fighting won't get me any farther.

Would anyone be willing to listen and discern for me what the waves image might symbolize? Thank you... And may Jesus go more than ankle deep into your ocean.

just a crack?

2009-03-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

It is a beautiful day and the wind is blowing like crazy, I only have an hour left of work and David is here visiting. Everything should be good and yet, I still feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm missing out on my purpose and on my passions.

More and more my heart is leaning towards a "red letter" view of Christianity that basically believes and follows literally, everything that Jesus has said. I want to talk to the people on the streets, eat with them, invite them to Christmas dinner, invite them to my wedding (if that ever happens!) and clothe them and love them. I get really stressed out when I have a lot of stuff, when too much is given to the rich and "Christian" population. Andrew Carlson and Neil and Dan have been talking a lot about this lately and I know my heart lies in this very place too. I just want to drop everything and serve and love.

Still, God has a purpose in me being here and now. What about my future? How will I be living this tug out? I can't imagine living in Suburbia my whole life, raising kids and not giving all that I have to give. Some people may feel called to serve there, and that is great, but I just don't feel that way. I long to join my friends when they serve overseas or in America. Today is St. Patricks day and all I feel is selfish. We celebrate so many holidays with complete greed. I don't think donating to world vision is enough. I don't think spending an hour at a soup kitchen or food bank is enough. I just feel like I could be doing so much more, making so many more radical changes in my life.

Part of my frustration is aimed totally at myself. My laziness, my apathy, my cowardice. LORD, I plead for a heart of flesh to replace this stone. I pray for a right spirit within me that is overcome with love for people. I also pray for the patience and eyes to see the when, who and how.

Thank you!!

2009-03-05T08:49:00.000-08:00

I am really thankful for friendships. There is a quote by anais nin that says, " each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born". I think this is true, that we are incredibly influenced by our friends, and I know that it is because of a lot of my friendships, people who have taken the time to invest in me and love me, that I am the person I am.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with women who don't look down on my because of my age, who trust me with their problems and questions and respect me with sharing wisdom to me. I love their generosity and care, their love that has given me grace to become a woman, not having to awkwardly stumble in the middle zone. I am so grateful for Evy, for Jes, for Joanna, for Cathy M, for Cathy H, for Jenn, for Cat, for Lori and for Auntie Donna.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with outstanding men, who, through their craziness and wildness bless me with their integrity, their honesty, and their support, love and encouragement. I am so thankful for the ways they inspire me. I am thankful for David, for Jeff, for Neil, for Troy,for Christian, for Adam, for Aeden, for Kjel, for Dan,for Joel, for Erik, for Graham, for Jesse,for Nate, for Josiah, for Jackson, for Rob, for Pat, for Noah, for Brian, and for Matt.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with children, who through their creativity, spirit and love have humbled me, given me hope, taught me and played with me! I am thankful for Malakai, Josiah, Mia, Ellarie, Bethany, Abby, Thomas, Robert, Naomi, Sophie, Jamie-Lee, Catarina, all my Peru buddies, James, Sonja, Naomi R., Micah, Taya, Cailyn, Megan, Gemma and Lucas.

I am thankful for friendships I have with people met only in passing. I am so thankful for their honest admissions. What a treasure.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with my female peers. These are so priceless. All my awkwardness aside, I cherish them above all else. They are my saving grace. I often just thank God for them, for all that they are; for their beauty, flaws,confessions,passion, thoughts, actions, dreams, beliefs, and amazing love. I am eternally thankful for Anni, Christen, Kari, Jannaya, Erin, Michelle, Lynne, Kristen, Steph, Amy, Kelley,Jillian, Solveig, Lindsey, SonJa, Anita, Adelle, Melissa, Walsh, Nordi, Bre, Bailey, Joanna, Leah, Amber, oh, the list goes on!!

I am thankful, so thankful, to those who have supported me during times of grief, of trial, of crisis, of weakness, of failure, of stubborness and of all the seasons that I have passed through!

I am sure I have forgotten some names, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I hold you in my heart. I really am an incredibly blessed, rich, and loved person. You have opened me up to so many worlds. Thank you!!!

So Grateful

You are a soul-mate friend
My Raya
You are the iridescent and delicate
Dragonfly I watched
Skim the lake playfully
Searching for a calm place to rest
It landed on the bow of my canoe
An unexpected, beautiful gift

according to your love...

2009-02-27T11:41:00.000-08:00

Psalm 25

1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God.

Do not let me be put to shame,

nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one whose hope is in you

will ever be put to shame,

but they will be put to shame

who are treacherous without excuse.
4 Show me your ways, O LORD,

teach me your paths;
5 guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

for you are good, O LORD.
8 Good and upright is the LORD;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful

for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,

forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?

He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
13 He will spend his days in prosperity,

and his descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;

he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;

free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress

and take away all my sins.
19 See how my enemies have increased

and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me;

let me not be put to shame,

for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope is in you.
22 Redeem Israel, O God,

from all their troubles!

poem

2009-02-26T11:36:00.000-08:00

Faith gives feathers flight
Or so they say
Roots to punch deep in dirt
An either or

I’m tired.
Dreams are outside budding, cocooned
In a couple months they’ll leave me

I hand over too many leaps
To fear of failure
Too many miracles to the
Doubt in me

The prairie wind’s a bully
Your direction way too soft
I’m straining for a word or arrow
Am I to seize unseen opportunity?
Puzzled in wide spaces
You wooed me to

Can’t help but think
If I was between a rock and a hard place
I would have a solid place to stand
Or somewhere to kick off from

To love...

2009-02-12T09:38:00.000-08:00

I love coming to work fifteen minutes late. After nine the pace of the city changes. As I was driving to work (late) today, looking at the very very dismal and grey scenery, I was thinking about what it means to be tender with myself, and what it means to truly love our own self.

Last year I went to a conference and came back to discover that I wasn't at war with myself any longer. Let me explain. I used to look in the mirror and immediately attack something about me: my appearance, my skin, my hair, something stupid I said. I'd look in the mirror and say, "You are so stupid. You're such a mess up"...and other destructive thoughts. I'd be myself and then beat myself up for it for days. I'm too loud, too talkative, too stupid, too messy, too disheveled, too unoriginal, too fearful, too serious... I'd look at other women's lives and wish and hope and dream that I could be like that, only better. I've been through counseling and self-talks, I've talked to Jesus and even had prayer for the demons in me. Some ideas, thoughts and illusions of myself never changed. My mom is not happy with herself. I thought I could combat being like that, but everytime I look with envy on someone else's perfect artsy, creative, wild and alive life I know I have not accepted my own, or seen the beauty in it.

There certainly is no rest for a soul that thinks and feels that way. A friend told me simply, "you are a gift" and I was a wreck the rest of the day. I fought that idea so much I was in tears! It struck me right to the core of the matter. As a girl I was never introduced into the "circle of women" that teaches me to celebrate my own uniqueness and to know myself as a woman. This is an important step.

OKAY back to not being at war with myself any longer. After a long time of thought, journaling and prayer, I decided to write a contract to myself. I would treat myself the way I would treat others. When I look in the mirror I need to say, "Elissa, I love you, Jesus loves you, I forgive you and bless you". I need to dress up for me, and when I rest, it needs to be for me.

I wondered today, what it would look like to have peace about my own self. I read psalm 139 over and over. I talked to Jesus. I wrote a list of all my fears, and of all my desires.

All in all, I feel quite proud of myself for where I am, and who I am, even if I don't completely love myself. I know it won't come entirely, and even then, very slowly. There are still so many things I want to change. I guess that is part of the point though: I may want to, but that doesn't mean God does. What I think hinders me from being Christ-like, might actually help. It is so comforting to know he knows me far better than I ever will.

Sabrina ward Harrison says in one of her books, "I wonder if we could just love ourselves for 5 minutes a day, wholly, completely and unabashed". I wonder too. I wonder if it would make a difference.

I get to go see David on Valentine's day this year. The most exciting part is that I get to see David. We probably won't "celebrate" Valentine's day, but I hope that in my own heart I can inch towards self acceptance and love just a little more.

Butt-uary blues take that!!

2009-02-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

(picture of my soon to be brother in la-la and my sister and a big leaf!)

Today I am thankful for the sun that makes it feel like spring

I am thankful for family and friends and strangers soon to be friends

I am thankful for arrowroot cookies and fresh vegetables

I am thankful for children carrying dogs around

I am thankful for music

I am thankful I can ask, "create in me a clean heart O God" over and over

I am thankful for the beauty of the world

I am thankful for grace

I am thankful for words pictures and sound

I am thankful for hugs and kisses and glances and smiles

I am thankful for imaginations

I am thankful for the opportunities to dream

I am thankful for apples

Today I am thankful you said "Yes" to me

I am thankful for risk and change and chance

Justice, Jesus, decisions

2009-02-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

I was at breakforth this past weekend. I usually always have some sort of issue with it. I think it is hard for me to worship in such a large group of people who I see acknowledging Jesus as their Saviour and then turn around to yell at me for talking to someone, who ignore the signs of genocide happening in Sri Lanka then sing that they are followers of the God of compassion. People who praise God for all he has done, then use words like, "You get what you deserve", or that they were"lucky". It doesn't help when I feel stuck in a church that doesn't believe in allowing the troubled, disabled or grieving to worship there... That the most important thing is to get hockey playing youth to come to church so they can be saved. It honestly makes my skin crawl.

There were some great speakers at Breakforth, and some really amazing worship, too. I think for me though, the highlights were completely separate from the mass of Christians gathering. On the street outside of Canada place I met the most incredible Sri Lankan people: Sheron, who has already lost aunties, uncles and friends to war, Shev- my new friend in grade five who shared with me how school is going, who his friends are, and ate my candy. I met Priya, who is having a terrible time making friends in Edmonton. I still felt useless, I felt so awful, but it was better than crossing the street and closing my eyes, heading down the stairs into the Shaw. It was one of the few times I've ever felt ashamed to associate myself with Christians. They wouldn't even look Shev in the eyes when he tried to give them a little pamphlet.

Outside of the Shaw, in the pedway was a homeless man with googly eyes playing his guitar with a big white beard. When I danced for him, while he was playing, he smiled. I know some people gave money, and looked at him, but there were thousands of people at breakforth.

I'm not trying to say I'm the best at being a Christian: I'm definitely not. I just love people, and I think the most exciting thing for me at breakforth was to awaken the fighter in me. Not an argumentive or angry person, but someone who loves justice, and wants to fight for it in peaceful productive ways. I felt so disconnected during breakforth when I was trying to relate to this God that ignored the imperfect and weak and naked and poor and just loved the good singers and church people. When I was listening to Shane Claiborne and listening to Jesus in my own heart, I really felt a deep connection with God, with Jesus' love and my purpose. I really could do a lot for the kingdom. I really could. You really could!! When I think of the type of person I want to become I think about Christen Schwanke, St. Juniper, Cathy Hardy, Evy Klassen, Reide Norman,Joanna Shantz, Erin,Phil Kjos, Neil Kroeger, Shane Caliborne, David Gillen, Brad Jersak, Lori Martin, Bethany Klassen, Andrea Kvemshagen and many other people who live with a compassion and generosity that can't be turned off. It is a decision to trust Jesus, and to love Jesus in the "least of these". I won't lie: I hope the Father lets me leave this church job soon, because my heart is not in this building. If he doesn't, I can look for ways to be grace and hope and love to people. Nobody is unimportant. Nobody is too small. There is a line of a song from the worship circle that sings, " there's not too poor, too dirty, too broken too naked too stupid too drunken to be..thrown outside His love" No one is outside of God's love. NO ONE.

Dear Jesus, continue to grow love inside of me, to spill it over the edges and to move it into action in the world today. Amen.

TRUST

2009-01-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

Have you ever known, for sure, what a period of time is for? Have you known that, despite the difficulty, you are most definitely being molded and stretched and blossoming? Life is like that for me right now, and really, the beauty of my story almost almost makes it worth it.

A wise woman, Amy McDaniel, once said that everything has consequences, whether we see them or feel them right away. I know this is true. Sometimes there are consequences that we feel both instantly, and over time.

To outsiders, grievers must be so annoying. When a person dies, they are gone and you get over it right? But I understand more now, about those who lose a loved one. Not only does it affect your heart and emotions, but it also affects a deeper part. Sometimes it affects your future actions, your thought patterns, the risks you take in the future, and your ability to reach out.

When Anton died, only then did I realize the power of his influence in my life. He was my first love, and more importantly, the first person I let in. For a woman, guarding your heart is very important. You don't let just anyone see the real you. And if you do, it means they have somehow displayed trustworthy and gentle characteristics. Funny thing about ourselves is that, we don't actually have control over this. We don't decide. Our heart does. And when you do welcome someone into your sacred space, they never leave.

The consequence of Anton dying was obvious:grief.But others slowly tagged themselves onto my heart and took me down with them. Consequences like fear, distrust, cowardice to risk and love, hopelessness and depression. With the help and support from amazing people I thought that I had worked out a lot of those side effects. Still, some held strong.

Last weekend when I was at David's, I had a breakthrough. I wasn't giving him my whole heart. More importantly, I wasn't giving God my whole heart. I was still very much afraid. What if he leaves, or what if he dies? What would be left of my heart? And with God, what if he takes away from me those I love the most? Can I really, honestly, truly trust him? And if I don't, will my ability to love be inhibited? Will I always put up a wall of protection from hurt?

I know I am at a cliff edge. I know that this next step will determine a lot for me. I know that my decision to trust or doubt God will change the rest of my life and walk. Someone once told me that trust has to be cultivated. It does take time. It takes opportunity. When a situation comes up, even small, in my life, am I going to say yes or no?

There is a quote that is sung in Taize that says: "Keep me O God, for I trust in you. You show me the path of life. In you there is joy in it's fullness."

I want to give God my whole heart. I want to love him with the knowledge that he loves me in the purest and strongest sense. I don't want to be afraid. The world is sinful; it has fallen. There will be pain in my future. But, I hope too, in Christ, that there will also be joy. Jesus understands the predicament I am in. He chose to trust his Father, even into death. He chose to really let me live, so it is my responsibility to risk. Without it, I cannot grow into the fullness of who I am. O Jesus, help me to trust. Amen.

Trust

I do not look at mountains with awe
Anymore
Stand as giant gravestones
The cause of the loss
(I cannot recall his smell)

And now
Climbing headfirst with passion upwards
Going in throngs through my grasp
It seems the biggest thrill (for them)
I cannot keep my heart safe

If it isn’t a mountain it is a road
It is black ice
A deep cough
It is fear manifested in life
And I cannot smother it.

I tell you I’m barely moving
I’m so afraid to lose again
No illusions left of youth or immortality
The endless probability of pain stands unspeaking

You open my hands
Gently rub my palms awake
Fingers stretching
You mold me into letting go
Ever so tender

You sit with me in silence
(Even as I quiver)
Inviting
So patient
So near.

important changes of season

2009-01-19T09:18:00.000-08:00

I love spring!!! I know it is only January, and that it will most definitely snow again. I can't help but frolick around now, while the sun is out and everything is melting; I'm euphoric. Just let me play, and breathe this in. Also, this time is exciting, as I watch friends emerge from shells and old coats and stand on their own wobbly legs, learning how to walk the walk with Jesus.

I know that seasons change, and truly, I'd get so tired if it always stayed the same. So funny, that we become anxious, doubting, and chaotic when our spiritual life changes. I've gone from a year of summer to a year of winter. Maybe it changes monthly for you. Whatever the case, why are we not used to the constant change? Why can't we accept it, and see it for what it is? You haven't done anything wrong or sinned extra bad, no, it is just the time to work on things NOW.

In my minute meditation this morning it said to reflect on the important changes of season that have happened in your life. I noted that it said changes of season not, seasons of change. Why would that be? Could it be that the changing of seasons in my life is as important as the season itself? God won't keep us in the same place forever. Our earthly "comfort" is not one of his priorities. As I reflect on that, I think about a quote that says, " you can learn a lot on your knees" meaning that you can see different things than you can standing up or lying down. I can't possibly learn everything I need to with God when everything is wonderful. Trust him then? Oh yeah, that is easy. The real test comes when things aren't looking good, when I don't see enormous amounts of beauty or love. Is God really love? Is he really trustworthy?

I have to thank God when I think that He is more concerned with matters of my heart and soul than giving me the "life I want". He really does love us.

Between you and me

2009-01-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

Right now I feel a separation from God. It could be the time of year; a sunless, grey, dismal place. It could be my sin; there is always that. It might be the stress of everything piling up; Anton's death and the pain I still hold, David being far away, this job and the ways it clashes with my beliefs...It might be that I am tired. Whatever the case, maybe a mixture of all combined, I feel a separation from God.
I don't hear his voice when I listen in my personal time. The insights I get from reading my Bible are poor at best. In this time when I should be delighting with every moment I get to spend with him -He is love, afterall- I remain sad. I don't get the impression that he wants to hug me in his throne room. He isn't my cheering squad, encouraging me. He isn't my friend distracting me for some fun. After all this time, after all we've been through together, I kind of thought I would be in a different place on my spiritual journey.
Don't get me wrong, he is still my God. I still love him. He knows relationships, and I know He cares about me. When you see an old friend after a long absence, sometimes the best thing to do is sit in silence for awhile. When your heart is grieving, sometimes the best thing a friend can do is sit in silence with you. If Jesus is the master of relationships, I have to think that this is what he has chosen to do with me, and I am grateful He knows me so well, and relates to me in the way I need it the most.
Yes, Jesus does know me, and He knows the best ways to reach me. Sometimes they are down-right wacky, but then, I am a kook. I trust him, even when he keeps me up ALL night just so I won't sleep in and miss an important prayer meeting he wants me to go to. I trust he knows what he is doing when he piles on the stress, so my only option is to depend on him. I trust him when the tasks I'm given are way too big for me. Well Jesus, you love me best. You must know what you are doing.
Everyone who has a relationship with Jesus experiences something different; a different slant. Jesus relates to us all uniquely because we are all unique.
I better spend some time appreciating the silence God is giving me. I should trust that he knows, and is being intentional. Maybe it isn't a separation after all. Maybe if I sit with him long enough, it will be so quiet that I will hear him breathing. I hope so.
(Picture by Sabrina ward Harrison, "home")

Dancing through life...

2009-01-08T12:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday as I was listening to God, I asked Jesus the question, "if we were dancing, what dance would we do?" And I started to visualize. I could see me on the stage, the lights warm and bright. I could see that there was an audience, somewhere hidden in the dark. The song was playing, and it was Cathy Hardy's "All will be well" which is instrumental. This isn't a very good song for the waltz I thought. And it definitely wasn't the waltz that Jesus had in mind.

I looked over as I began to move, and Jesus was dancing. A contemporary piece. I love contemporary dance. It is very confusing to some people; they just don't understand it. It was interesting to me that Jesus would have us do this together. He wasn't my choreographer, he was my dance partner. Contemporary is almost entirely using your emotions. Jesus wants to dance with me, not lead me, in a dance of my emotions and heart?!

Wow. It was at first awkward for me, to reach an arm out and begin moving again on stage, yet Jesus was dancing too, and he was supporting me and together the picture we were creating was beautiful. Jesus IS my friend. He dances beside me.

I like to take this picture into the youth work that I am doing. I know next to nothing about being a good youth worker, but I do understand relationships. I feel strongly called to walk beside my youth, not dictate to them. In a dance, if someone forgets, they look over to the other person to remember their next action. Sometimes they make it up until they remember. I think it is time for me to stop making it up, and trust that Jesus will dance with me, and it is only through a duet that the beauty can be conveyed.

fifth of the fifth

2009-01-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

Two keys on the typewriter I got from my Grandma's garage sale. It is coincidentally my first initial and David's.

Still slipping...

2008-12-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

Dear LORD Jesus,
Sometimes I cannot believe the situations I find myself in. I confess it is hard for me to trust you, even when you have placed me here for this time yourself. When I feel bombarded from all sides, it is hard for me to stand upright. I slip, I trip, I fall. It is so discouraging to be on the ground with a bruised tailbone.
In this place, where my weakness is so visible, you strengthen me. I know it is you. Still I wonder who what where when?! Mostly, when are you coming back, Jesus? I am so easily overwhelmed with the hurt in families, the pain in youth, the violence in nations, the ignorance of people, the greed of others, the sin in me.
You tether me in place, to the anchor of hope. Like riding a rollercoaster on the steepest part: I close my eyes and sink deep into the seat...I wait for it to be over, for you to carry me through.
When I slip, and trip, and fall, sometimes it is best for me to just stay there. Spread my arms out and close my eyes. I don't say a thing, and I don't think of much. These are my best prayers to you right now, Jesus. On the ground; a fallen being. Maybe this Christmas, you will lift me up. I'm waiting for you, Jesus, as I walk cautiously across the ice. I'm waiting for you, staring at the computer screen for hours. I'm waiting for you, Jesus. I know you won't overlook me. Thank you.Amen.

snowflake cupcake sparkle birthday princess

2008-12-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, our pastor was preaching about the generations, and some of their differences. The generation I grew up in is the "Snowflake" generation: we grew up being told that we are special and unique and that everything we do is magic.
Today is my birthday. It snowed this morning, just like it did last year (in Vancouver!) and just like it did in Calgary the day I was born. I am a unique snowflake!Sometimes we hear that we are a gift to the world on our birthday. This year I really want to take it seriously.
I hope that I am a gift to the world. I hope this year that I can live out of my unique purpose and give the world something, a new slant, or support the right cause or person. I want to be a gift to the world in what I do, say and believe. I hope that my life can show people the light of Christ, the love of Christ, the kindness of Christ and the power of Christ. I hope this year that I will, "love, and say it with [my] life" -St. Augustine. I want to be the hands feet and heart of Jesus this year, everyday.
Then maybe I can be proud of my life, or at least trust that God is using me. YOU are beautiful and precious and wonderful and unique and no small act of kindness that you have shown me has gone unnoticed. So thank you all for being a gift to my life!

My time in silence

2008-11-25T11:21:00.000-08:00

A tree in Lethbridge. I wish that I brought my camera so I could show some pictures from Abbotsford. Anyways.

I went to the MARK centre for a 3 day silent retreat with some women that I admire and deeply respect...Eden Jersak, Evy Klassen, Bindu Oommen, Cathy Hardy, Lorie Martin...To name a few. It was a time I can't express in words...How could I? I spent 3 days listening to the stillness and wonderings and love through my heart's eyes and ears. And some things spoken were much much too precious to post.

I feel like my soil is rich, moist, deep, thick and full of nutrients. I feel like my roots have drunk deep deep into that goodness. I know that my tree (me) is growing from a strength that comes from within and isn't striving.

A Prayer to the Potter

Dear Potter,

The lump of clay that I am

Keeps crying for some form day by day

I yearn for you to mold me

This is a trust song, Lord

I am in your hands like clay

I am ready to be transformed;

I expect

To be molded

I expect

To be beautiful

I expect

To be loved

And if by chance someone should drop me as some of your apprentices do

I expect

To be hurt

I'm just trying to say

I have surrendered to your dream for me

I am in your hands

Like Clay

- Macrina W.

Jesus Christ- the name that saves!!

2008-11-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night. One of my youth was making a speech when another kid was pulled out of the area by a dark "Thing". People assumed that it was a person; someone among us. I got the sense that it was a demon. Everyone began to search for it- Tim Wintonuw, my friend Robyn, Pastor Harold..random people from my life. They were all searching for a person. Me and David were holding on to some wires from a computer or machine, just because being in that place was scary. Suddenly everyone in the room started to come at the wires we were holding, like zombies with their expressions blank, moaning really low. They grabbed the wires and started to eat them. Inside their mouths was a darkness. I knew that was the demon. As you ate the wires it clogged your mouth so you couldn't speak or breathe. I closed my mouth tight because I didn't want to eat the wires, and then I suddenly started shouting, "Jesus Christ" "Jesus Christ" and my mouth was open and I could speak clearly, let go of the wires and I started to shout to everyone, "SAY JESUS' NAME! JESUS CHRIST!" I continued doing this until everyone in that room had been free from the wire eating demon, then ran to another room. "Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!" I said it over and over and over again, it was all I could say. Once everyone was free, they started to go about as normal, but I couldn't stop saying "Jesus Christ!" to everyone, even people I usually would care about what they thought. I was filled with so so so much joy that I couldn't stop. Everytime I said His name I'd fly up into the sky a little bit. It was like the name "Jesus Christ" just needed to be spoken out- that if people would only hear the name of Jesus they could be saved!!
I'm starting to meditate on the Jesus prayer, "Jesus Christ Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner" in my daily life...We really don't know the full power His name holds!!!

Thank you Jesus for such an amazing dream!!!

Would you care...

2008-10-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

To dance?

Just this weekend Aeden was playing at CLBI welcome back coffee house. It was an original song of worship and my feet wanted to get up and dance around. I didn't.

Last year during a silent retreat with TREK one of the girls heard the word, "dance" for me. I barely picked up my pointe shoes at the MARK centre.

This year I was going to do "bollywood" dance classes, but they were on a day I couldn't attend.

Besides occassionaly dancing around my room or living room, I don't do much. For something that gives me so much joy, why can't I get myself to be part of anything? Why don't I dance?

I have never defined myself as a dancer, and I KNOW my skills are limited. Still, God can use me right? Is it even worth it? I battle between being still and flailing around. What would you have for me, LORD?

Just some thoughts today.

When the Children listen...

2008-10-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

Since the beginning of coming to this Church, I have felt the need to encourage and introduce them to the world of listening prayer. Here I come with my head full TRA LA LA! I love kids because they are so challenging.

Some good signs though:

I was reading to my junior youth out of Brad Jersak's "Children, can you hear me?" book. We got to a point about Jesus speaking, and playing games like hide and seek. One of my girls eyes get really wide and she asked in amazement, "Does it really say that?!" They loved the pictures of Jesus booting the evil guys out the door.

I challenged my Senior youth to look for a fresh symbol in their lives...What does God say they look like? What is God like? They were all too nervous to do it, so I listened on their behalf (knowing they wouldn't share themselves what God told them) and every single one of them lit up and paid careful attention to what picture I had received in my head for them...As a whole I saw them as a pinata, that God wanted to burst open because they are so full of good things! I won't be surprised if I get fired once parents hear about this!

Without my youth really knowing about it, they have been listening to God,and hearing from him, every time we do a Lectio Divina. It is kind of like my little secret with God. Here they are, not really "believing" yet reporting what God has said to them all the while! And of course, their discoveries in Bible Passages I have done Lectio's with over twenty times probably, are FRESH INSIGHTFUL and uniquely PERSONAL. So beautiful. so exciting. I personally love that God reveals the mystery of the Kingdom of Heaven to children and hides it from the learned. It is truly truly about time that adults started seriously learning and listening to children.

(the picture is of Malakai...a boy who has taught me immeasurably more than I taught him)

that old chestnut

2008-10-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

Pablo Nerudo has a quote that says, "Whom can I ask what I came to make happen in the world?"

I can relate. I know I should ask God, but He doesn't answer my questions very speedily. Nor does He find it important to answer them at all! I'm probably swimming in a big chemical pool of sin by saying that. God has every right to withhold his intentions from me, and it is my little lack of faith and trust self that is worrying and frittering about my future. Actually, He has a specific command NOT to worry about tomorrow. Oh me of little faith!

It overwhelms me. I have a lot of half-interests: art, gypsies, travel, the environment, listening, letter writing, community, spiritual direction, trees... Nothing that I would want to do forever. Then you have to add on if I ever have a family I need to support them and what about medical coverage? Holidays? It is very easy to expand worries to include multiple levels.

Some people are born with a passion for something. Their whole life is built around the goal of becoming a _______ or doing __________. I don't want to accept that God may have made me the type of person that was born to be an example of "never finds out what they are here for". No thank you God!

For now, all I can do is live in this space where I am doing something I may not love. But I am dreaming, and paying attention to what stirs me. Like the monk off of Baraka, dressed in white. He walks against the stream of crowded streets slowly slowly ringing a small bell. Is he filled with purpose, or does it feel futile?