Just you.

Just your presence God.
Just you.
Not the pleasure of it
Not the joy or the peace
Not the rose outlook
Not the answers

Just your presence God.
Just you.
Not my imaginings
Not my boxes and ideas
Not what I want to hear
Not what I am comfortable believing
Not because I am sick of my own weak presence though I am

Just your presence God.
Just you.
Not in a form I think I know
Not at a time I make room for
Not because I am anxious

Not because I should
Not because of anything I've ever done or not done or attempted
Not because I love you
Not because of anything to do with me at all

Just your presence God.
Just you.

Monday April 12- Emmaus

Do you sometimes find yourself on the road to Emmaus? You've just experienced some amazing spiritual highs, or incredibly close times with God.Then, as they always do,the weeks pass. Are you like me? Do you somehow find that you've forgotten who is walking beside you? That this dear friend has become somewhat of a stranger, unrecognizable?



Scripture reflection: Luke 24:13-35 On the Road to Emmaus



1. Imagine yourself walking down the dirt road to Emmaus with Jesus. Is it a sunny day? Rainy?Feel the dirt being kicked up onto your sandals. Like the two disciples, maybe it is hard to see Jesus' face, to really recognize him. There is so much talk about what is going on, and who Jesus is.

2. Ask Jesus if you have been believing any misconceptions about him. Have you been believing a lie about Jesus? Have you created a Jesus that isn't real?

3. Thank Jesus for revealing himself to you. Ask him to replace the lie with a truth. Continue to walk with him. Do you have anything you really want to get off your chest? Share it with Jesus. See how he responds.

4. Listen and receive Jesus' love, continuing to walk with him. Is he inviting you to anything? Is he promising you anything?

God of mercy and compassion, your Word calls us home to faith and love. Accept all we offer you today, and help us to continue to receive all you have given. In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

Lectio and thoughts for Monday April 5

(Read through 2-3 times slowly. Pray for a word or phrase to stand out for you. Sit with it. Ask why it may be these words or phrase for you at this time. What are you being invited to? Say a prayer of thanks for this revelation)

Psalm 67

May God be gracious to us and bless us

And make His face to shine upon us

That your ways may be known on earth

Your salvation among all nations

May the peoples praise you O God

May all the peoples praise you

May the nations be glad and sing for joy

For you rule the peoples justly

And guide the nations of the earth

May the peoples praise you O God

May all the peoples praise you

Then the land will yield its harvest

and God, our God will bless us

God will bless us

And all the ends of the earth will fear him

Update

Easter this year, felt a bit like New Years. As though it is at Easter we should make new resolutions and put to death the things of "last year". I am going to go with that feeling.
Instead though, of making lenten and January resolutions of not eating sugar, exercising more etc etc I want to just TRUST. Trust that what I do get done is enough. Trust and feel God's presence and mercy and love. Trust that He's guiding me. Trust that I'm loved and beautiful. Trust in a future I couldn't possibly have imagined or created for myself.

David is almost home (4 days!) and I can hardly contain myself. This month alone has been so challenging, overwhelming spiritually, but also really really good. I really let myself experience the spaciousness in my life. Instead of marching through the grid-lines of an hour by hour schedule, I let myself breathe. Instead of racing out the door in the morning, disheveled and chaotic, I prayed. Instead of occupying myself at all hours of the day, I sat on the couch, in silence, with a cup of tea and just sat there. No music, no agenda, no major thought or dilemma.
I learnt how to be a little bit more at peace. I learnt how to be a better wife! I'm excited to see how or if I can continue in this way when David gets back, or if I will be stepping into a new learning environment. Either way, there will be no beating myself up over it!

One goal I do have, however: I actually started to like blogging. WHAT?! I still want to make it more useful. I hope to make Monday the day I can post a Lectio Divina or other listening exercise for anyone to do if they choose throughout the week. I'll still blog when I feel the need, too. I need to have some intentional listening time for myself, and I know people go on the computer more than they would like. So if you happen to be wandering around and stumble on my page, maybe you can do the exercise, or maybe it can be a reminder that there are more important things to be doing than looking at a friend of a friends facebook photos.

God is very near. He is so close. I often get the sensation of him breathing, and I want to listen. I want to quiet down and listen carefully. Even in his breathing, he is saying something important.

Jesus in the Elevator

When I was a young girl, from about 11-14, I had a lot of dreams about the after-life, and Jesus coming. Even now, every so often, Jesus will show up in my dreams.

One in particular, when I was about 14, I'll never forget.

Jesus came to my school in an elevator. He came down to my floor level and the doors opened up. Inside the elevator were some girls from my class and confetti and music. They were having a party with Jesus, and I knew they were going up to Heaven.
Jesus looked at me, looked at the floor button panel and asked if I wanted to come up.

"Maybe next time" I said.

I think I knew there wouldn't be a next time. I remember being really jealous and put off that the other girls were with Jesus, and seemed to be having a super great time.

The big thing was that I didn't like those girls.

Can I say that? I do not like everybody. I think I've tried to block out where my heart has been holding love from people, in attempts to feel that I am actually being a "good christian" and caring for everyone. Is that an unwritten rule in our lives? That we can't talk about the seriously negative feelings we hold against people?As a whole, I don't think we talk about having "enemies". It has recently been coming up a lot in my life. I prayed for God to teach me to love all people like he does, and immediately I resisted the idea that everyone is worthy of God's love. It is a little scary to say that out loud. I do not think loving people is easy. Actually it is impossible without God.

So, remembering that dream again, it causes me to think about why I was so against getting in the elevator with Jesus and those girls.

I like people, but when it comes to me and Jesus, our relationship is intimate. I don't want to share it with anyone else. I have a great husband; probably the best in the whole world (but he loves me- so back off!!) While I make sure he knows how I feel about him, I don't go around flaunting it, or bragging. Really, our relationship is too deep and complex to properly convey it to anyone. I think that about my relationship with God; how are you supposed to explain to someone that God is my greatest lover, gracious Father, Spirit living in me and my closest friend?

Also, admitting that God loves the people who have hurt those I love or just drive me absolutely crazy is a hard pill to swallow. It makes me want to puke!

Sometimes the answers are so simple and straightforward and beautiful. Loving your enemies and praying for them isn't easy at all. At least, it doesn't come naturally to me. Tonight we were led at Life Group to do a fun type of intercessory prayer. I was so excited; I had so many people on my heart. Then God flipped it upside down for me. All the names of people he was bringing to my mind were people I DESPISED! Not just that bugged me or had hurt me, but people whose very names make my heart pound and give me the creeps or make me cringe and clench my jaw. He wanted me to pray for them. I wanted to vomit. And even though I did write down their names and give them to God, I didn't do it very willingly. As soon as I got home I cried and cried. It is exhausting and so unfamiliar to me to pray for THOSE people. Even now, I'm verging on anxiety. It is SO against my nature.

But I really do want to learn. I can't believe I'm even saying that. On one hand I know that people who distress me and anger me will always spring up in my life, so it is best to just deal with it. On the other hand, God's upside down kingdom pulls and pulls at my curiosity. I really do want to experience it- no matter the pain involved. The freedom on the other side must be glorious! Still I wonder how this will look in the coming days. I wonder, even with God, if this is truly possible.

I wonder, if I had that dream again, and Jesus came down with some people I hate, if my uncensored dream self would hop in, or if I'd wait again for an elevator that isn't making a second trip down.

Lent fast failure

As always, I gave up sweets for Lent this year.
Only I forgot and ate a fortune cookie...And made apple crumble with brown sugar.
Three days into Lent.

I'm actually quite happy. It made me think.

I'm not satisfied with the , "give something up, take something on" approach to Lent. Does the why ever get asked? Not the, "to be healthier, to spend less" but the real why?

Every year I've tried to give up sweets or sugar for Lent. I always fail, and so, feeling bad, quit Lent. But that is the thing: you can't quit Lent, because you can't win or fail. I've been going through Lent like I go through life- subconsciously trying to be perfect, focusing on sticking to my resolutions (which doesn't happen), forgetting that I CANNOT BE PERFECT? Which is why we NEED Christ, and what his whole life is about??!?

My advent was beautiful.It was rich; it had depth meaning and many conversations with God. Because of that, my Christmas was powerful. I'm really thinking my Lent should be the same. Different revelations, different lessons. Like that one about grace I keep forgetting.

The cross and all it stands for often escapes me. I just don't contemplate it enough. I think it makes me uncomfortable. In the cross, is my wholeness, freedom, closeness...and it stands there. Patiently (which it certainly doesn't have to do) quietly (which it really doesn't have to do) and with the most graceful and gentle invitation.

My Lent this year isn't going to be 40 days of trying to be perfect. Maybe the exact opposite: realizing and admitting to all my broken and grungy places- and inviting Jesus there.

Maybe I'll start with my super huge sweet tooth ;)

Joan of Arc

Our life group went to see a performance on the trial of Joan of Arc.

I did a little research about her when I got home.
The first time she heard "voices" she was twelve in a field. She didn't want to leave because the voices were so beautiful.

Sometimes God is predictable. He takes the peasant and turns them into a saint. He takes the woman and turns her into a military hero. He takes that which isn't and makes it into something which is- impossibly- for his glory. It all points to him.

During her trial, right before she was killed, she stopped herself and said that she had committed a terrible sin- denying God for fear of death. Despite all the incredible things that God accomplished through her, she had serious guts. She once tried to escape her imprisonment by jumping out of a 70 foot high window. She returned to battle after an arrow wound in the neck! And yet, she was human. She feared for her life. But she didn't stop. She set things right before she died.

It is said that her wisdom and choice of wording during her trial had those persecuting her stupified. To me that word means, "God put those words in her mouth".

Ultimately this nineteen year old girl died a martyr. She was so so so brave.

It leads me to wonder what it means. For us, for me. I know I'm pretty extreme but it makes me think of our shallow comfortable culture and how we worry about what we'll wear or eat and if we "fit in" and how to entertain ourselves and keep ourselves occupied. Occupied for fear of being silent and open. For fear of being used by God for incredible purposes. I honestly do believe that there are stories of this magnitude God wants to write in our day and age. I feel the urgency. I feel the urgency for even subtle miracles. i pray and PLEAD that God fills my heart and mind and ears and I don't occupy myself. I don't want to be too busy to be used by God. That terrifies me!

Joan of Arc, as controversial as she may be has become one of my mentors. May I listen to the beautiful voices of heaven and remain faithful to them.