What to do with a sickie pregnant wife

I've been feeling the pre-baby blues lately, allowing everything and most anything to cause me despair: pollution, fatigue, being sick,school, homework, having a baby, having stuff, not living how or where or as who we want to...Mostly all valid, but I wasn't doing anything productive about it like bringing it before God. I'd wait until it welled up and then have a good cry and wait for it to fill up in me again.

Two nights ago, when I had in an act very unlike me, finished my homework by lunch time, David and I were able to spend a lot of time together. I've been and am really sick with a sinus flu that won't let me breathe (it could be much worse) and haven't been able to go swimming or really do much of anything. David asked if he could paint on my belly. Sure!

Baby Gillen wanted to participate too, and throughout enjoyed adding a foot/hand to the mix. David didn't mind his moving canvas!

David put on some music and I lay on the couch with my tea for almost two hours. It was very peaceful, relaxing and so enjoyable to spend time in conversation with David remembering and dreaming and sharing and loving. It was also great to spend some time just watching Baby Gil bump around and react to the painting. Earlier in the day I had been complaining to myself that we never do anything fun because most everything in the city is expensive, or that I simply can't do those things right now due to being pregnant and/or sick. This was such a nice evening for us that mellowed us both out. It was a much needed chance to connect.

And look at this masterpiece!! I felt bad washing it off, but I had a midwife appointment the next day...They probably would have enjoyed it :)

And tonight I devoured, "spiritual midwifery" by Ina May. Wow. I feel like I am in so much of a better (not perfect!) place mentally, spiritually and emotionally for the birth of our little one. I've been writing a lot and slowly trusting God more and more with this experience. I'll share one quote that really resonated for me:

" I felt like if God had made birth to be such a Holy passage, he meant for all our major passages including death to be Holy and that there wasn't anything to fear"

Nothing to fear. Perfect love casts out all fear. I'm learning so much during this time.

On a side note, I have asked a bunch of people to pray for Baby Gillen (delivery health life future etc. whatever came to mind) and send it to me via snail mail so that I can keep a collection for him/her when they are older. If you'd like to participate (I'd like you to!) email me and I'll send you my address. Thank you!!!!

Drenched in the goodness of God

For a strong love

A husband that sees and knows

Encourages, works, brightens and delights

Who crosses his legs at the ankle

His ridiculously white feet dangling in contentment

For food every day

and unexpected offerings of fruits and cheese and stews

sometimes carried carefully, planned, for my pleasure

For a body that can carry

And hold strong

and breathe and gulp cold water

For friends and strangers with

powerful kindness

In their smiles and words and tears

For a free pool to swim in

And not be afraid of the deep end

Or weird noises

But leap forward in the water and

Let it float me to the surface

For the weightlessness and the waves

For the smallest of moments where I can

Be forgiving and honest and gracious

Be transparent and faulty and sorry

Be joyful and hoping and sensitive

For big black dogs

Huge tree limbs spreading

Robins in green budding gardens

An endless variety of ways

to say thank you

Lent hand holding

I was sitting on a crowded muggy bus after 9pm on Granville Street, the rainbow of lights blurred due to the rain, when a lady walked in with ashes on her forehead and I remembered it was Ash Wednesday.

I was feeling sicker and sicker since Sunday and had spent an exhausting day at clinic, massaging with kleenex up my nose, trying not to sneeze over all my guests. And I've spent the last two days home sick from school- by force.

Not many people seem to have Lent on the brain...Or at least they aren't really talking about it. I for one am not giving up anything. But I do want to have some sort of intention. It might be this whole rest thing...Once known and practiced. I've since fallen out of the habit, but what better time to rest and quiet down than when 8 months pregnant! It won't be easy as I scramble to finish clinic hours and write tests and go to school and get ready for baby, but I don't think rest is ever easy to justify.

Yesterday sitting in bed with chicken broth and noodles, I read this verse:

" For I am the LORD your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you". - Isaiah 41:10, 13

I might have laughed a little even. He is almost dumbing it down. He is going to save me, never mind help me. Such a simple thing for God to do- to help me. The taking of my hand ...He really has done that...twice...but that is for a different post :) Yesterday it was all about the simplicity and power in God's help. When I feel like I can't stop running around God will help me. When I don't know how to deal with people who are frustrating God will help me. When I'm so scared and weak in childbirth, God will help me.

God is so good. He comforts me with the news of his help...Which is really a lot more than just help. I could never be a good enough person or clean my act up enough. I need God to surround and saturate me. I need him to hold my hand through everything in my day. So I think I'm going to concentrate on that. God's help.

Deep and Wide

I have been feeling so blessed by the generosity of everyone around me. With their words of wisdom, food, kind thoughts, physical support, listening ears, drives home, and love. Thank you so much. I feel neck deep in the support and love of community around me.

While rest is still on the agenda and not in practice as much as I would like...I'm beginning to see where God might be taking me on my own journey- to benefit me not just now, but for the long run too. I have the words of the sunday school song "Deep and wide" running through my head.

God's rest as total immersion into the deep and wide love of God.

I'm noticing more my immediate compulsion to control: control my time, expecting it to go a certain way. Basically, to not go with the flow. Most of my "rest" ideas have been premeditated and probably written down on a piece of paper as a "to do" item. I tend to enjoy things more when I impulsively go for a walk on the beach or randomly pick up a paint brush. Even if it would have been on the to do list, if I just get up and, wash the dishes, for example, it feels like an act outside of my tight school schedule rather than something else I'm trying to squeeze in.

When I remember my time at the MARK Center; I think it true that it was so lovely because most of the important moments were unexpected and came to be serendipitously. God can do all the planning and executing and I'll just experience thank you!

On a more serious note I was reminded tonight of how important communion is to me, and to my ability to function with grace and strength and rest. I want to get into the practice of receiving it everyday.

When I'm not in a posture of rest, when there is no stillness of heart and spirit, I don't function well. I'm not able to receive or act in a grace- filled way. This excites me because it ultimately means coming closer and closer in relationship with God. Always the heart at the center of all my seeking and goals and labyrinths.

May God unconventionally move me into a place of peace and may He do the same for you!

Words of wisdom...please!

This lil' momma is getting so tired. I go to school 6 days a week, often from 8:00am to 9:00 pm plus homework. I don't sleep that well due to leg cramps and baby kicks and the need to go to the bathroom. After a walk up stairs I'm ready for a nap. I need more rest and restful activities everyday however, I'm not too sure how to make everything jive together!

Please give me some wisdom on ways you fit in restful activities during busy schedules!! (This could be prayer time or reading a book or going for a nice walk or taking time with Jesus etc. or a number of different things)

Thank you!!

And I hope that you are able to find rest for your spirits!

water loving

It is getting harder to stick this belly out and float!

Much like a sea turtle I'm finding that I am really enjoying being in water. Whether that be the tub or Mike's pool, I'm loving being wet. On land I struggle with putting socks on and tying my shoes, but in the water I'm so happy and mobile. Maybe Baby Gil' will be a swimmer?

It is just so surprising to me how much silly joy I get from this. I swam the breaststroke in circles for half an hour: just a happy little turtle mama.

...and I'm loving being pregnant. For the most part. Besides the way it hinders my classmates when they are partners with me :( and the exhaustion part, it is just great. School is so busy it really takes up a lot of the energy I would use for visiting with friends etc. But I find I am needing and enjoying my solo time, whether that be dry or wet!

Okay. I'm off to the tub.

Re-visiting Re-connecting and Re-membering

(Some of the Klassen family from my year in Abbotsford!)

I haven't written in a while and a lot has gone on. A couple weeks ago I was surprised and delighted to find an email from my buddy Jackson in my inbox. He wanted to see me before he left on his super awesome 5 month long trip. I was really really happy to hear from the Klassen's and hoped there was someway to get down there.

Fortunately Jackson volunteered to pick me up and when I got off the sky train station to meet him there was this totally grown up - genuinely cool guy who picked me right up off my feet in a hug!

One thing I love about the Klassen gang is their sweet and simple ability to just love you and bless you and care about your life. I've sure missed them! I spent an awesome "soup sunday" at their house and had some precious time with Evy on the drive home.

Being there and listening to Steve talk and others share really encouraged me to be even more intentional about listening to God again and being aware of where He is moving and what He is showing me every day. As my schedule picks up and my energy levels plummet, I'm aware that I could easily burn-out or fatigue. I just simply don't have time for that! I'm hoping to spend that ever necessary time with Jesus whenever I can and trust in his promises of peace and rest and quiet streams. I'm remembering that year in Abbotsford and how eye opening and amazing it was. I crave the life that was produced that year, and hope it can still be pulled out of me, even now.

...On a sillier note, I am understanding this turtle analogy even better. I almost waddle now, and I've slowed waay down (much to my annoyance)! Taking things slow and steady sure doesn't come natural to me. I need to remember the long slow walks we took, taking it in together. Jesus and me.