Relax...

"Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers... If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers-most of which are never even seen- don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God provisions. Don't worry about missing out.You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met"

I feel both the desire to respond to God's giving and the habit of preoccupying myself with wish lists. I took Zoe down to some gardens, but it just wasn't the same as being in the mountains. I'm definitely looking forward to hiking up into valleys of wild flowers, to see the colour against the stones, and to be reminded of who made me, and in whom I can lay my trust.

Heart-out-of-chest

About a month before Zoe was born, a shift was gradually happening in my thinking. I noticed when I, and others used the word "need". I started taking note of how many garbage bags we used a week, and what was inside them. The thought of my garbage going to a dump to sit on the earth really bugged me. I couldn't get the picture of my sponsor child out of my head. I felt so incredibly and deeply grateful and privileged to live where and how I do... And thought about other pregnant women, like immigrants who have to work in factories and can't afford to take time off, so they hide that they are pregnant and sometimes lose their baby because of it.

And now that Zoe is here, this shift is starting to reach my heart as I imagine the life I want for her, and the reality that millions of children are not ever going to get that, and it is only because of God that we have this life.

I don't know why this shift is surprising me. This Lent and Easter season have been about exposing and leaving behind my selfishness, and understanding the sacrifice of Jesus. And I'm being reminded of times in my life when I have given in sincerety, or been the recipient. I'm remembering, while writing wishlists of stuff that I want, confused because I don't feel satisfied, that true joy comes from serving and giving.I have so much excess, probably in every area of life. And not just excess, but needs that aren't really so. Neil's friend in Haiti once said," I'm not asking you to meet our needs. I'm asking you to redefine yours". POW. Because it is so easy to get overwhelmed and put our sad hearts into boxes. I overheard a man on the bus talking about the world vision commercials. He said, " That kind of stuff just makes me depressed..I like to help people, you know, with the emergency hotline and other things. Tell me how I can make a difference, and I'd be glad to, but when its so big, well forget it". That is usually my tactic- close my eyes and hope it goes away, but there are many ways to have a powerful impact...And I will stand accountable for all I did and did not do.

So I'm praying that God would highlight where what and how...And that I would find myself in that uncomfortable, panicky, evaluating state that exposes my selfishness and greed and distrust that this is in fact the true life, and God will provide. It never fails to make me sweat and try to find loopholes. Big sacrifice is just that- and it hurts for awhile sometimes! People don't understand. But I want my friend Jesus' influence to rub off on me. I want my scared and self-seeking heart to learn about love by experience,and give way to blessing and soft heartedness and joy...Maybe God will continue to surprise me in the ways that I can joyfully serve, but if it hurts, well, there's a soft juicy heart under there somewhere, and it needs out!

REAL life

Zoe is two weeks old today!! Contrary to all these pictures, she doesn't always sleep. She also likes to poop and stare out at us, sort of disappointed looking, feed with her turtle mouth and growl like a bear cub.

We really love her, and now I am beginning to feel that painful abundant love that a parent can have for their children...Like a heavy woolen heart saturated in water. It is enormous and complicated- to want only goodness for your baby and sacrifice everything and worry endlessly and delight in them and love them even when all they do is cry and feed and poop and on the other side just wish you could get away for a couple days or make them sleep 48 hours straight or want that life with just your husband and be selfish and immature again! And to know that it is only going to get harder! Oh, life!!

I have been thinking about that these last two weeks, about real life. David and I were talking and I said something about how it is hard now but it will get better and he said, "It is all hard". Which is true. Real life is hard. Being married, having children, following Jesus, working on dreams, standing up against injustices, serving and not seeing results...But when you aren't knee deep in it, when you aren't living the real-tough life, you aren't really living, by definition at all. You're just going through the motions, bored, unchallenged and unfulfilled, wanting the world to entertain you and carry you through without pain or change. Fear and self doubt and selfishness can be such blocks to really living. But, if you risk and sacrifice and scream and flail and dive into the deep end, then I really do believe once in a while you get a glimpse of goodness. Of joy and love and hope.

...And that has to be worth it. At least, I'm trying to remember that it is, and that even a tiny glimpse of God's presence is strengthening and gives sustaining power.

I want to say YES to real life. Even as it scares me and challenges me and pushes me to the brink, exposes my limitations and failures and needs...As it humbles me and causes me to cry out for Jesus...Maybe that is the point!

So...Two weeks into a deeper place. Cards and balloons don't speak the truth of this journey. It isn't pink with flowers and happy giraffes, but it is happy...And that I can say that considering my hormonal and physical state is truly a miracle!!

Happy 2 weeks, Zoe!! We have no idea how you will continue to enlarge and change our lives, but we know you will. We love you.

Welcome life!!

Zoe (life) Andrea (strong and womanly) Gillen

Born April 22

We love this little girlie, and are so amazed at the journey it has taken to get her here.

Thank you so much to Aimee for being present and supporting us and taking amazing photos!

What to do with a sickie pregnant wife

I've been feeling the pre-baby blues lately, allowing everything and most anything to cause me despair: pollution, fatigue, being sick,school, homework, having a baby, having stuff, not living how or where or as who we want to...Mostly all valid, but I wasn't doing anything productive about it like bringing it before God. I'd wait until it welled up and then have a good cry and wait for it to fill up in me again.

Two nights ago, when I had in an act very unlike me, finished my homework by lunch time, David and I were able to spend a lot of time together. I've been and am really sick with a sinus flu that won't let me breathe (it could be much worse) and haven't been able to go swimming or really do much of anything. David asked if he could paint on my belly. Sure!

Baby Gillen wanted to participate too, and throughout enjoyed adding a foot/hand to the mix. David didn't mind his moving canvas!

David put on some music and I lay on the couch with my tea for almost two hours. It was very peaceful, relaxing and so enjoyable to spend time in conversation with David remembering and dreaming and sharing and loving. It was also great to spend some time just watching Baby Gil bump around and react to the painting. Earlier in the day I had been complaining to myself that we never do anything fun because most everything in the city is expensive, or that I simply can't do those things right now due to being pregnant and/or sick. This was such a nice evening for us that mellowed us both out. It was a much needed chance to connect.

And look at this masterpiece!! I felt bad washing it off, but I had a midwife appointment the next day...They probably would have enjoyed it :)

And tonight I devoured, "spiritual midwifery" by Ina May. Wow. I feel like I am in so much of a better (not perfect!) place mentally, spiritually and emotionally for the birth of our little one. I've been writing a lot and slowly trusting God more and more with this experience. I'll share one quote that really resonated for me:

" I felt like if God had made birth to be such a Holy passage, he meant for all our major passages including death to be Holy and that there wasn't anything to fear"

Nothing to fear. Perfect love casts out all fear. I'm learning so much during this time.

On a side note, I have asked a bunch of people to pray for Baby Gillen (delivery health life future etc. whatever came to mind) and send it to me via snail mail so that I can keep a collection for him/her when they are older. If you'd like to participate (I'd like you to!) email me and I'll send you my address. Thank you!!!!

Drenched in the goodness of God

For a strong love

A husband that sees and knows

Encourages, works, brightens and delights

Who crosses his legs at the ankle

His ridiculously white feet dangling in contentment

For food every day

and unexpected offerings of fruits and cheese and stews

sometimes carried carefully, planned, for my pleasure

For a body that can carry

And hold strong

and breathe and gulp cold water

For friends and strangers with

powerful kindness

In their smiles and words and tears

For a free pool to swim in

And not be afraid of the deep end

Or weird noises

But leap forward in the water and

Let it float me to the surface

For the weightlessness and the waves

For the smallest of moments where I can

Be forgiving and honest and gracious

Be transparent and faulty and sorry

Be joyful and hoping and sensitive

For big black dogs

Huge tree limbs spreading

Robins in green budding gardens

An endless variety of ways

to say thank you

Lent hand holding

I was sitting on a crowded muggy bus after 9pm on Granville Street, the rainbow of lights blurred due to the rain, when a lady walked in with ashes on her forehead and I remembered it was Ash Wednesday.

I was feeling sicker and sicker since Sunday and had spent an exhausting day at clinic, massaging with kleenex up my nose, trying not to sneeze over all my guests. And I've spent the last two days home sick from school- by force.

Not many people seem to have Lent on the brain...Or at least they aren't really talking about it. I for one am not giving up anything. But I do want to have some sort of intention. It might be this whole rest thing...Once known and practiced. I've since fallen out of the habit, but what better time to rest and quiet down than when 8 months pregnant! It won't be easy as I scramble to finish clinic hours and write tests and go to school and get ready for baby, but I don't think rest is ever easy to justify.

Yesterday sitting in bed with chicken broth and noodles, I read this verse:

" For I am the LORD your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you". - Isaiah 41:10, 13

I might have laughed a little even. He is almost dumbing it down. He is going to save me, never mind help me. Such a simple thing for God to do- to help me. The taking of my hand ...He really has done that...twice...but that is for a different post :) Yesterday it was all about the simplicity and power in God's help. When I feel like I can't stop running around God will help me. When I don't know how to deal with people who are frustrating God will help me. When I'm so scared and weak in childbirth, God will help me.

God is so good. He comforts me with the news of his help...Which is really a lot more than just help. I could never be a good enough person or clean my act up enough. I need God to surround and saturate me. I need him to hold my hand through everything in my day. So I think I'm going to concentrate on that. God's help.