Zoe: Life lessons 1

I said this before, but everyday I am just amazed at the work of motherhood. It is such a hard job. When I say hard, I think it is this way because it is constant, and because to give total attention to our baby clashes with everything society has told us about our worth: we are to be productive, have something to show for our day, multi-task well enough to never let your baby cry, keep the house clean, put supper on the table and look nice for your husband...All at once!

I have been finding solo- parenting (while David's away on his shifts) so exhausting, but so much more easily lived when I look for the lesson in my everyday with Zoe.

So a couple days ago, while I was rocking Zoe, I was thinking about the non-stop, complete focus and attention that a baby wants and needs. Many manufacturers make millions (alliteration!) on devices that will occupy a baby so that you can "get back to life" : soothers, swings, bouncy chairs, jolly jumpers, seats and toys...Some of these are important for a baby's development, but what struck me was how God sees us.

As my parent, God doesn't mind totally focusing on me. He actually enjoys and wants to spend every moment tending to my needs. He wants to stroke my cheek and hold me close and coo at me and let me wrap my hand around his finger. He loves to come to my side as soon as I cry. God loves to comfort me. It isn't work for him. It isn't tiresome. He is fueled by this incredible love for me. When I think that my self-sufficiency is helpful, or when I think there is no other way, I will remember that God doesn't need me to do everything on my own (not that I could begin to anyways). My uselessness is his best place to show me unconditional love.

And he allows us to be like him, and participate in this awesome love-attention. Even though Zoe is absolutely beautiful, and I am in awe and wonder, I still put her into her swing (like right now), and try to use other methods of comforting other than my arms and voice. But, I'm human, and I hope that God will continue to compel me with the depth of his love to gift Zoe with that same attention. I don't want to mind giving Zoe my full attention, all day. I want to delight in it! Just thinking that God feels so strongly about his mothering for me blows me away. The depth of his love for us, and his constant presence is such a comfort to me. Tending to my needs is not a chore. He doesn't get frustrated when I cry to him and never tries to distract me with anything but all of him.

"Show me the wonder of your great love..." - psalm 17:7

"And I pray that you...may have power, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..." - Ephesians 3:18

On our own

Well, after a long long road trip through the most beautiful mountain passes, a screaming pooping farting puking baby, and lots of the same cd's on repeat, we made it into Kimberley!

As we were entering the city, I felt really anxious. I've never felt quite this way before...The history that I have in Kimberley is so mixed; some really good and some really sad. I think that I have processed it... I've also never really been in a situation where I didn't have to work and where plans for my future were really really open ended. Where will I find meaning here? Will I work? Will I find friends here? Will God meet me here? Part of the problem I think comes from an identity crisis I have here. The people who are still here haven't changed much, and so they assume the same of you. People in Kimberley praise those who are hard core outdoor sports enthusiasts, total hippies or total rednecks, or born and raised locals. I'm not any of those things. I struggle with thoughts and actions that reveal my insecurity of belonging. It really tests how deeply I trust who I am in Christ.

David's shift up in the mountains is for ten days, so it is just me and Zoe on our own in our little suite. It is quiet here and really sunny. There is an ant problem which I HATE, but it is really minor in the grand scheme of things! I'll take some pictures of our place and surroundings soon.

So I had this big goal that while David was working I'd be studying and visiting people and taking Zoe into town and just soaking in time with God. Of course that isn't how it is going to be, and hasn't been! Zoe has been all consuming, and I want to spend time getting to know her. We can't walk into town (too far) and so far I've been able to get in only a little concentrated devotional time. I do want this summer to be one of deep special time with my girl and with my God. I've already been taught so much. Everything is just new!

Being a single mom is hard hard work; I can't imagine having to go it alone all the time... Except that there is something really beautiful and wonderful about having to ask for help, and having David's eccentric and gold-hearted friends come over and hold Zoe while I make myself something to eat.

The surprises I'm sure, will continue, and God will get through to me, despite me, like He always does...I pray he banishes my fears and overwhelms me with his love that invites me to trust and know I'm never really on my own.

Bursting

My heart feels so full it could burst.

From the generosity of my family and friends and people who barely know us.

To the thinking back on the beginning and how carried and supported we were.

To the goodness of God's plans

To his incredible strength and salvation and presence that never leaves

To the changing of hearts and minds

And glimmers of hope coming from nothing visible

Rich life stories full of near deaths and big joys

The sun

To our little girlie sleeping and squirming

To God's way. God's paths.

Relax...

"Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers... If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers-most of which are never even seen- don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God provisions. Don't worry about missing out.You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met"

I feel both the desire to respond to God's giving and the habit of preoccupying myself with wish lists. I took Zoe down to some gardens, but it just wasn't the same as being in the mountains. I'm definitely looking forward to hiking up into valleys of wild flowers, to see the colour against the stones, and to be reminded of who made me, and in whom I can lay my trust.

Heart-out-of-chest

About a month before Zoe was born, a shift was gradually happening in my thinking. I noticed when I, and others used the word "need". I started taking note of how many garbage bags we used a week, and what was inside them. The thought of my garbage going to a dump to sit on the earth really bugged me. I couldn't get the picture of my sponsor child out of my head. I felt so incredibly and deeply grateful and privileged to live where and how I do... And thought about other pregnant women, like immigrants who have to work in factories and can't afford to take time off, so they hide that they are pregnant and sometimes lose their baby because of it.

And now that Zoe is here, this shift is starting to reach my heart as I imagine the life I want for her, and the reality that millions of children are not ever going to get that, and it is only because of God that we have this life.

I don't know why this shift is surprising me. This Lent and Easter season have been about exposing and leaving behind my selfishness, and understanding the sacrifice of Jesus. And I'm being reminded of times in my life when I have given in sincerety, or been the recipient. I'm remembering, while writing wishlists of stuff that I want, confused because I don't feel satisfied, that true joy comes from serving and giving.I have so much excess, probably in every area of life. And not just excess, but needs that aren't really so. Neil's friend in Haiti once said," I'm not asking you to meet our needs. I'm asking you to redefine yours". POW. Because it is so easy to get overwhelmed and put our sad hearts into boxes. I overheard a man on the bus talking about the world vision commercials. He said, " That kind of stuff just makes me depressed..I like to help people, you know, with the emergency hotline and other things. Tell me how I can make a difference, and I'd be glad to, but when its so big, well forget it". That is usually my tactic- close my eyes and hope it goes away, but there are many ways to have a powerful impact...And I will stand accountable for all I did and did not do.

So I'm praying that God would highlight where what and how...And that I would find myself in that uncomfortable, panicky, evaluating state that exposes my selfishness and greed and distrust that this is in fact the true life, and God will provide. It never fails to make me sweat and try to find loopholes. Big sacrifice is just that- and it hurts for awhile sometimes! People don't understand. But I want my friend Jesus' influence to rub off on me. I want my scared and self-seeking heart to learn about love by experience,and give way to blessing and soft heartedness and joy...Maybe God will continue to surprise me in the ways that I can joyfully serve, but if it hurts, well, there's a soft juicy heart under there somewhere, and it needs out!

REAL life

Zoe is two weeks old today!! Contrary to all these pictures, she doesn't always sleep. She also likes to poop and stare out at us, sort of disappointed looking, feed with her turtle mouth and growl like a bear cub.

We really love her, and now I am beginning to feel that painful abundant love that a parent can have for their children...Like a heavy woolen heart saturated in water. It is enormous and complicated- to want only goodness for your baby and sacrifice everything and worry endlessly and delight in them and love them even when all they do is cry and feed and poop and on the other side just wish you could get away for a couple days or make them sleep 48 hours straight or want that life with just your husband and be selfish and immature again! And to know that it is only going to get harder! Oh, life!!

I have been thinking about that these last two weeks, about real life. David and I were talking and I said something about how it is hard now but it will get better and he said, "It is all hard". Which is true. Real life is hard. Being married, having children, following Jesus, working on dreams, standing up against injustices, serving and not seeing results...But when you aren't knee deep in it, when you aren't living the real-tough life, you aren't really living, by definition at all. You're just going through the motions, bored, unchallenged and unfulfilled, wanting the world to entertain you and carry you through without pain or change. Fear and self doubt and selfishness can be such blocks to really living. But, if you risk and sacrifice and scream and flail and dive into the deep end, then I really do believe once in a while you get a glimpse of goodness. Of joy and love and hope.

...And that has to be worth it. At least, I'm trying to remember that it is, and that even a tiny glimpse of God's presence is strengthening and gives sustaining power.

I want to say YES to real life. Even as it scares me and challenges me and pushes me to the brink, exposes my limitations and failures and needs...As it humbles me and causes me to cry out for Jesus...Maybe that is the point!

So...Two weeks into a deeper place. Cards and balloons don't speak the truth of this journey. It isn't pink with flowers and happy giraffes, but it is happy...And that I can say that considering my hormonal and physical state is truly a miracle!!

Happy 2 weeks, Zoe!! We have no idea how you will continue to enlarge and change our lives, but we know you will. We love you.

Welcome life!!

Zoe (life) Andrea (strong and womanly) Gillen

Born April 22

We love this little girlie, and are so amazed at the journey it has taken to get her here.

Thank you so much to Aimee for being present and supporting us and taking amazing photos!