Hushed waves

David and I were doing some listening prayer together one night when I was having difficulty composing myself (read: crying like a baby) and we were listening for a word for one another. David is really gifted at seeing pictures, and on this particular night he saw me as a wave in the ocean, and Jesus wading into the water on the beach, about ankle deep.

It really threw me back, because it is a very unusual image for me. Usually Jesus and I are chillin' out, doing something or Jesus is being sassy or comforting me. I didn't really know what to think, though it was a very nice image.

Am I afraid of Jesus? Do I shyly nip at his ankles and then retreat? Am I a wind-wave that is moved by the Holy Spirit? Am I the waves of pride like in Job? Is my righteousness like the waves (I doubt it) in Isaiah? I don't know!! Maybe still I am missing the point?

What makes sense to me right now is that, like it says in Psalm 107:29, " He stilled the storm to a whisper, the waves of the sea were hushed". I feel that my life is pretty darn stormy right now, that my heart is often complaining and whining and questioning God. Is he telling me to put a sock in it? That his very presence should still me? Maybe, if I would stop spinning in circles and just tried to listen, he would calm me?

I have been reading Ecclesiastes and there was a section about "Standing in Awe of God" . It said something very interesting, " Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong" (Ecc. 5:1). When we go to church, go to listen to God. Don't go to consume and criticize. Don't go to be "filled". Go,because you want to be open and silent and useless before God. Go to listen. Go to be in awe of who God is. Wow.

Another verse that popped into my head along the same time as David saw that picture for me was "I will fight for you, you need only to be still". My inner fighter feels weak and passive right now.I know that my fighting won't get me any farther.

Would anyone be willing to listen and discern for me what the waves image might symbolize? Thank you... And may Jesus go more than ankle deep into your ocean.

just a crack?

It is a beautiful day and the wind is blowing like crazy, I only have an hour left of work and David is here visiting. Everything should be good and yet, I still feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm missing out on my purpose and on my passions.

More and more my heart is leaning towards a "red letter" view of Christianity that basically believes and follows literally, everything that Jesus has said. I want to talk to the people on the streets, eat with them, invite them to Christmas dinner, invite them to my wedding (if that ever happens!) and clothe them and love them. I get really stressed out when I have a lot of stuff, when too much is given to the rich and "Christian" population. Andrew Carlson and Neil and Dan have been talking a lot about this lately and I know my heart lies in this very place too. I just want to drop everything and serve and love.

Still, God has a purpose in me being here and now. What about my future? How will I be living this tug out? I can't imagine living in Suburbia my whole life, raising kids and not giving all that I have to give. Some people may feel called to serve there, and that is great, but I just don't feel that way. I long to join my friends when they serve overseas or in America. Today is St. Patricks day and all I feel is selfish. We celebrate so many holidays with complete greed. I don't think donating to world vision is enough. I don't think spending an hour at a soup kitchen or food bank is enough. I just feel like I could be doing so much more, making so many more radical changes in my life.

Part of my frustration is aimed totally at myself. My laziness, my apathy, my cowardice. LORD, I plead for a heart of flesh to replace this stone. I pray for a right spirit within me that is overcome with love for people. I also pray for the patience and eyes to see the when, who and how.

Thank you!!

I am really thankful for friendships. There is a quote by anais nin that says, " each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born". I think this is true, that we are incredibly influenced by our friends, and I know that it is because of a lot of my friendships, people who have taken the time to invest in me and love me, that I am the person I am.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with women who don't look down on my because of my age, who trust me with their problems and questions and respect me with sharing wisdom to me. I love their generosity and care, their love that has given me grace to become a woman, not having to awkwardly stumble in the middle zone. I am so grateful for Evy, for Jes, for Joanna, for Cathy M, for Cathy H, for Jenn, for Cat, for Lori and for Auntie Donna.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with outstanding men, who, through their craziness and wildness bless me with their integrity, their honesty, and their support, love and encouragement. I am so thankful for the ways they inspire me. I am thankful for David, for Jeff, for Neil, for Troy,for Christian, for Adam, for Aeden, for Kjel, for Dan,for Joel, for Erik, for Graham, for Jesse,for Nate, for Josiah, for Jackson, for Rob, for Pat, for Noah, for Brian, and for Matt.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with children, who through their creativity, spirit and love have humbled me, given me hope, taught me and played with me! I am thankful for Malakai, Josiah, Mia, Ellarie, Bethany, Abby, Thomas, Robert, Naomi, Sophie, Jamie-Lee, Catarina, all my Peru buddies, James, Sonja, Naomi R., Micah, Taya, Cailyn, Megan, Gemma and Lucas.

I am thankful for friendships I have with people met only in passing. I am so thankful for their honest admissions. What a treasure.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with my female peers. These are so priceless. All my awkwardness aside, I cherish them above all else. They are my saving grace. I often just thank God for them, for all that they are; for their beauty, flaws,confessions,passion, thoughts, actions, dreams, beliefs, and amazing love. I am eternally thankful for Anni, Christen, Kari, Jannaya, Erin, Michelle, Lynne, Kristen, Steph, Amy, Kelley,Jillian, Solveig, Lindsey, SonJa, Anita, Adelle, Melissa, Walsh, Nordi, Bre, Bailey, Joanna, Leah, Amber, oh, the list goes on!!

I am thankful, so thankful, to those who have supported me during times of grief, of trial, of crisis, of weakness, of failure, of stubborness and of all the seasons that I have passed through!

I am sure I have forgotten some names, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I hold you in my heart. I really am an incredibly blessed, rich, and loved person. You have opened me up to so many worlds. Thank you!!!

So Grateful

You are a soul-mate friend
My Raya
You are the iridescent and delicate
Dragonfly I watched
Skim the lake playfully
Searching for a calm place to rest
It landed on the bow of my canoe
An unexpected, beautiful gift

according to your love...

Psalm 25

1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God.

Do not let me be put to shame,

nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one whose hope is in you

will ever be put to shame,

but they will be put to shame

who are treacherous without excuse.
4 Show me your ways, O LORD,

teach me your paths;
5 guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

for you are good, O LORD.
8 Good and upright is the LORD;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful

for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,

forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?

He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
13 He will spend his days in prosperity,

and his descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;

he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;

free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress

and take away all my sins.
19 See how my enemies have increased

and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me;

let me not be put to shame,

for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope is in you.
22 Redeem Israel, O God,

from all their troubles!

poem

Faith gives feathers flight
Or so they say
Roots to punch deep in dirt
An either or

I’m tired.
Dreams are outside budding, cocooned
In a couple months they’ll leave me

I hand over too many leaps
To fear of failure
Too many miracles to the
Doubt in me

The prairie wind’s a bully
Your direction way too soft
I’m straining for a word or arrow
Am I to seize unseen opportunity?
Puzzled in wide spaces
You wooed me to

Can’t help but think
If I was between a rock and a hard place
I would have a solid place to stand
Or somewhere to kick off from

To love...

I love coming to work fifteen minutes late. After nine the pace of the city changes. As I was driving to work (late) today, looking at the very very dismal and grey scenery, I was thinking about what it means to be tender with myself, and what it means to truly love our own self.

Last year I went to a conference and came back to discover that I wasn't at war with myself any longer. Let me explain. I used to look in the mirror and immediately attack something about me: my appearance, my skin, my hair, something stupid I said. I'd look in the mirror and say, "You are so stupid. You're such a mess up"...and other destructive thoughts. I'd be myself and then beat myself up for it for days. I'm too loud, too talkative, too stupid, too messy, too disheveled, too unoriginal, too fearful, too serious... I'd look at other women's lives and wish and hope and dream that I could be like that, only better. I've been through counseling and self-talks, I've talked to Jesus and even had prayer for the demons in me. Some ideas, thoughts and illusions of myself never changed. My mom is not happy with herself. I thought I could combat being like that, but everytime I look with envy on someone else's perfect artsy, creative, wild and alive life I know I have not accepted my own, or seen the beauty in it.

There certainly is no rest for a soul that thinks and feels that way. A friend told me simply, "you are a gift" and I was a wreck the rest of the day. I fought that idea so much I was in tears! It struck me right to the core of the matter. As a girl I was never introduced into the "circle of women" that teaches me to celebrate my own uniqueness and to know myself as a woman. This is an important step.

OKAY back to not being at war with myself any longer. After a long time of thought, journaling and prayer, I decided to write a contract to myself. I would treat myself the way I would treat others. When I look in the mirror I need to say, "Elissa, I love you, Jesus loves you, I forgive you and bless you". I need to dress up for me, and when I rest, it needs to be for me.

I wondered today, what it would look like to have peace about my own self. I read psalm 139 over and over. I talked to Jesus. I wrote a list of all my fears, and of all my desires.

All in all, I feel quite proud of myself for where I am, and who I am, even if I don't completely love myself. I know it won't come entirely, and even then, very slowly. There are still so many things I want to change. I guess that is part of the point though: I may want to, but that doesn't mean God does. What I think hinders me from being Christ-like, might actually help. It is so comforting to know he knows me far better than I ever will.

Sabrina ward Harrison says in one of her books, "I wonder if we could just love ourselves for 5 minutes a day, wholly, completely and unabashed". I wonder too. I wonder if it would make a difference.

I get to go see David on Valentine's day this year. The most exciting part is that I get to see David. We probably won't "celebrate" Valentine's day, but I hope that in my own heart I can inch towards self acceptance and love just a little more.

Butt-uary blues take that!!

(picture of my soon to be brother in la-la and my sister and a big leaf!)

Today I am thankful for the sun that makes it feel like spring

I am thankful for family and friends and strangers soon to be friends

I am thankful for arrowroot cookies and fresh vegetables

I am thankful for children carrying dogs around

I am thankful for music

I am thankful I can ask, "create in me a clean heart O God" over and over

I am thankful for the beauty of the world

I am thankful for grace

I am thankful for words pictures and sound

I am thankful for hugs and kisses and glances and smiles

I am thankful for imaginations

I am thankful for the opportunities to dream

I am thankful for apples

Today I am thankful you said "Yes" to me

I am thankful for risk and change and chance