Zoe: Life lessons 5

It was a brilliantly sunny day after a streak of torrential rain. We were gasping at each corner as the ocean revealed itself along highway 101 down the Oregon coast. Today was the day to meet the giant redwood trees. I was nervous!! I've dreamed of seeing them for so long.

And then we passed through into California. David got grumpy. We didn't stop in Crescent city. We didn't stop at Jedediah State park. We didn't stop. The trees were just down the side roads, I was certain, towering over us. I'm missing them!

Finally we stopped to take a hike because Zoe was getting cabin fever in her car seat- up the LBJ trail. There were giant redwoods there.

We walked down the trail in silence while Zoe squealed and laughed with delight in her carrier. I cried. It really was selfish to take this trip to see these trees. Now was my chance and they just weren't as big as I had imagined they'd be. David was grumpy and I just wanted him to be happy...

David noticed I was crying and we hugged and apologized in the middle of the trail. We kept going, David trying to convince me that these trees really were awesome and really really huge.

In the parking lot after, Zoe was unbelievably happy, playing with her Daddy, smiling and shrieking and laughing.

It was incredibly disappointing, my first encounter with the giant Redwoods. But I learnt something from them. I really learnt- down to my gut- that I'd rather be with my family: David and Zoe, than anywhere else. Even the biggest trees on earth. Nothing beats the feeling of love between us. So maybe we had to take a foolish trip when we have no money to really figure it out...Now that I have these relationships in my life, the really hard and challenging and constant and divine, trees kind of disappoint. I just really love connecting with people. Even when they're fussy travelers, worriers and grumps.

Our wedding rings are carved to look like tree bark, and now I'm extra thankful they are. A reminder of what the trees taught me: I'm so blessed with a loving family.

(When I told David this after we'd driven a while more, we both sat crying in the Bigfoot museum parking lot, hickville california...Now one of my favourite memories of the trip so far)

Zoe: Life lessons 4

Zoe rocks. She is so cool. There are definitely days (and nights!) when I don't want to be a mom, but at the same time I've never been happier. David and I look at each other in amazement and say, "can you believe our lives are this awesome?!"

Something has been bothering us. When we talk about Zoe, or introduce her to people they often say things like, "She's cute now...Wait until she's old enough to talk back", or " Yeah, this is the easy time, wait until she's older". We don't know what challenges are ahead with being Zoe's parents, but we really don't like the negativity in those statements. I'm totally enjoying where she is right now, and I'm going to enjoy her when she is two and three and thirteen, too. I don't know what to say to them. Maybe all babies magically transform into tyrants once they reach one, and I"m just romanticizing the whole process. I expect Zoe to need discipline. I expect that we will not understand one another all the time. What really bugs me is that raising children is an awesome privilege. I don't hear that in their voices. I don't hear encouragement and support. They probably don't mean it, but the wet blanket approach to having children is gross. I don't like the message it sends to your kids; you were such a little brat when you were young it made life so hard for your parents etc etc as if children have conscious control over this. I certainly do not want guilt to be a feeling Zoe has.

So why do people say things like that? To downplay how incredible it is to have kids? To shift some of the blame of bad parenting on to the kids themselves? I don't know, but I don't like it. I trust that God's expectation of me as his child is simply to be His child. I don't want Zoe to put on good behavior. I want her to be a true representation of who she is. God certainly can see through my "good behavior". He isn't at all surprised by my bad behavior either. And I know that He graciously doesn't dwell on it either, or wait for me to screw up again. Sometimes He says, "I think it is time, Elli, to teach you about this...Or find the right path again by dealing with this..." And if there was a time when the Father Son and Holy Spirit were talking of me, I doubt very much Jesus says, "Yeah just wait until next Tuesday when she really loses her patience" . They are building me up, encouraging me, strengthening me, humbling me, delighting me...

So I want to respond, the next time that happens, with sincerity. I want to say that getting to know Zoe is a joy. That I'm excited for each new discovery and ability. We'll deal with each challenge as it comes. I'm not going to wait in expectation for her to get difficult. I trust that God will give us the strength and wisdom to love her when she's thirteen and maybe or maybe not struggling with her new confusing hormones. Right now we're enjoying our baby girl...Like taking her up to David's work and watching her wide eyed fascination with trees and water and mountains!

Zoe: Life lesson 3

Being a mom/having a baby is hard, but I have to say that I am totally and completely blown away by the miracle of Zoe. She is a complete miracle! I could stare at her all day.How crazy is God that He gifts us with little humans?!!!

Zoe: Life lessons 2

I cannot actually believe that life is this good. I have a beautiful hilarious healthy daughter, a loving, so loving husband, we live in a great little house with two trees, a hammock, a clothesline and friendly neighbours...I am just bursting with gratitude.

I've been thinking about breast feeding. I know a lot of women just love breast feeding, but I have to say, especially at the beginning, I did not enjoy it. The worst part for me wasn't that it hurt, or that crippled over hunch back position I seemed to be in. It was frustrating to have to sit and feed for twenty minutes, and it was hard to adjust to being needed all the time, and then every couple hours. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it is true!! Zoe has an impossibly cute feeding face, which helps, and I love the bond we share, and the health benefits blah blah blah, but it definitely took some time for me, and still does to really enjoy it.

Zoe and I have been spending a lot of time around other people, and while it is so nice to have more hands to hold her, at the end of the day I feel sort of empty and mixed up if I haven't spent a lot of time with holding her and playing with her. A quick feed then passing her off to an "auntie" or "grandma" just doesn't cut it. We usually have a bad sleep (both of us) from too much stimulation and not enough mommy baby time.

Which is where God has been speaking to me. Just like Zoe needs me for food and love and attention, I need God. But not just in the morning or before bed. I need God every hour. Zoe needs to feed. She needs to spend that time with me, not only for nutrition. When she has spent that forty minutes every two hours or whatever, she is calm and relaxed and happy. I go about my day so frazzled and wonder why...Well, I probably haven't spent the time I needed to with God, listening to him, and being held! My relationship with Jesus is a constant one. And fortunately for this busy girl, we don't necessarily need to be talking to be bonding or sharing space. I'd love to explore more of how this can be: that I would be aware of Jesus' constant presence and lean into it.

Zoe: Life lessons 1

I said this before, but everyday I am just amazed at the work of motherhood. It is such a hard job. When I say hard, I think it is this way because it is constant, and because to give total attention to our baby clashes with everything society has told us about our worth: we are to be productive, have something to show for our day, multi-task well enough to never let your baby cry, keep the house clean, put supper on the table and look nice for your husband...All at once!

I have been finding solo- parenting (while David's away on his shifts) so exhausting, but so much more easily lived when I look for the lesson in my everyday with Zoe.

So a couple days ago, while I was rocking Zoe, I was thinking about the non-stop, complete focus and attention that a baby wants and needs. Many manufacturers make millions (alliteration!) on devices that will occupy a baby so that you can "get back to life" : soothers, swings, bouncy chairs, jolly jumpers, seats and toys...Some of these are important for a baby's development, but what struck me was how God sees us.

As my parent, God doesn't mind totally focusing on me. He actually enjoys and wants to spend every moment tending to my needs. He wants to stroke my cheek and hold me close and coo at me and let me wrap my hand around his finger. He loves to come to my side as soon as I cry. God loves to comfort me. It isn't work for him. It isn't tiresome. He is fueled by this incredible love for me. When I think that my self-sufficiency is helpful, or when I think there is no other way, I will remember that God doesn't need me to do everything on my own (not that I could begin to anyways). My uselessness is his best place to show me unconditional love.

And he allows us to be like him, and participate in this awesome love-attention. Even though Zoe is absolutely beautiful, and I am in awe and wonder, I still put her into her swing (like right now), and try to use other methods of comforting other than my arms and voice. But, I'm human, and I hope that God will continue to compel me with the depth of his love to gift Zoe with that same attention. I don't want to mind giving Zoe my full attention, all day. I want to delight in it! Just thinking that God feels so strongly about his mothering for me blows me away. The depth of his love for us, and his constant presence is such a comfort to me. Tending to my needs is not a chore. He doesn't get frustrated when I cry to him and never tries to distract me with anything but all of him.

"Show me the wonder of your great love..." - psalm 17:7

"And I pray that you...may have power, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..." - Ephesians 3:18

On our own

Well, after a long long road trip through the most beautiful mountain passes, a screaming pooping farting puking baby, and lots of the same cd's on repeat, we made it into Kimberley!

As we were entering the city, I felt really anxious. I've never felt quite this way before...The history that I have in Kimberley is so mixed; some really good and some really sad. I think that I have processed it... I've also never really been in a situation where I didn't have to work and where plans for my future were really really open ended. Where will I find meaning here? Will I work? Will I find friends here? Will God meet me here? Part of the problem I think comes from an identity crisis I have here. The people who are still here haven't changed much, and so they assume the same of you. People in Kimberley praise those who are hard core outdoor sports enthusiasts, total hippies or total rednecks, or born and raised locals. I'm not any of those things. I struggle with thoughts and actions that reveal my insecurity of belonging. It really tests how deeply I trust who I am in Christ.

David's shift up in the mountains is for ten days, so it is just me and Zoe on our own in our little suite. It is quiet here and really sunny. There is an ant problem which I HATE, but it is really minor in the grand scheme of things! I'll take some pictures of our place and surroundings soon.

So I had this big goal that while David was working I'd be studying and visiting people and taking Zoe into town and just soaking in time with God. Of course that isn't how it is going to be, and hasn't been! Zoe has been all consuming, and I want to spend time getting to know her. We can't walk into town (too far) and so far I've been able to get in only a little concentrated devotional time. I do want this summer to be one of deep special time with my girl and with my God. I've already been taught so much. Everything is just new!

Being a single mom is hard hard work; I can't imagine having to go it alone all the time... Except that there is something really beautiful and wonderful about having to ask for help, and having David's eccentric and gold-hearted friends come over and hold Zoe while I make myself something to eat.

The surprises I'm sure, will continue, and God will get through to me, despite me, like He always does...I pray he banishes my fears and overwhelms me with his love that invites me to trust and know I'm never really on my own.

Bursting

My heart feels so full it could burst.

From the generosity of my family and friends and people who barely know us.

To the thinking back on the beginning and how carried and supported we were.

To the goodness of God's plans

To his incredible strength and salvation and presence that never leaves

To the changing of hearts and minds

And glimmers of hope coming from nothing visible

Rich life stories full of near deaths and big joys

The sun

To our little girlie sleeping and squirming

To God's way. God's paths.