Still slipping...

Dear LORD Jesus,
Sometimes I cannot believe the situations I find myself in. I confess it is hard for me to trust you, even when you have placed me here for this time yourself. When I feel bombarded from all sides, it is hard for me to stand upright. I slip, I trip, I fall. It is so discouraging to be on the ground with a bruised tailbone.
In this place, where my weakness is so visible, you strengthen me. I know it is you. Still I wonder who what where when?! Mostly, when are you coming back, Jesus? I am so easily overwhelmed with the hurt in families, the pain in youth, the violence in nations, the ignorance of people, the greed of others, the sin in me.
You tether me in place, to the anchor of hope. Like riding a rollercoaster on the steepest part: I close my eyes and sink deep into the seat...I wait for it to be over, for you to carry me through.
When I slip, and trip, and fall, sometimes it is best for me to just stay there. Spread my arms out and close my eyes. I don't say a thing, and I don't think of much. These are my best prayers to you right now, Jesus. On the ground; a fallen being. Maybe this Christmas, you will lift me up. I'm waiting for you, Jesus, as I walk cautiously across the ice. I'm waiting for you, staring at the computer screen for hours. I'm waiting for you, Jesus. I know you won't overlook me. Thank you.Amen.

snowflake cupcake sparkle birthday princess

A couple weeks ago, our pastor was preaching about the generations, and some of their differences. The generation I grew up in is the "Snowflake" generation: we grew up being told that we are special and unique and that everything we do is magic.
Today is my birthday. It snowed this morning, just like it did last year (in Vancouver!) and just like it did in Calgary the day I was born. I am a unique snowflake!Sometimes we hear that we are a gift to the world on our birthday. This year I really want to take it seriously.
I hope that I am a gift to the world. I hope this year that I can live out of my unique purpose and give the world something, a new slant, or support the right cause or person. I want to be a gift to the world in what I do, say and believe. I hope that my life can show people the light of Christ, the love of Christ, the kindness of Christ and the power of Christ. I hope this year that I will, "love, and say it with [my] life" -St. Augustine. I want to be the hands feet and heart of Jesus this year, everyday.
Then maybe I can be proud of my life, or at least trust that God is using me. YOU are beautiful and precious and wonderful and unique and no small act of kindness that you have shown me has gone unnoticed. So thank you all for being a gift to my life!

My time in silence

A tree in Lethbridge. I wish that I brought my camera so I could show some pictures from Abbotsford. Anyways.

I went to the MARK centre for a 3 day silent retreat with some women that I admire and deeply respect...Eden Jersak, Evy Klassen, Bindu Oommen, Cathy Hardy, Lorie Martin...To name a few. It was a time I can't express in words...How could I? I spent 3 days listening to the stillness and wonderings and love through my heart's eyes and ears. And some things spoken were much much too precious to post.

I feel like my soil is rich, moist, deep, thick and full of nutrients. I feel like my roots have drunk deep deep into that goodness. I know that my tree (me) is growing from a strength that comes from within and isn't striving.

A Prayer to the Potter

Dear Potter,

The lump of clay that I am

Keeps crying for some form day by day

I yearn for you to mold me

This is a trust song, Lord

I am in your hands like clay

I am ready to be transformed;

I expect

To be molded

I expect

To be beautiful

I expect

To be loved

And if by chance someone should drop me as some of your apprentices do

I expect

To be hurt

I'm just trying to say

I have surrendered to your dream for me

I am in your hands

Like Clay

- Macrina W.

Jesus Christ- the name that saves!!

I had a dream last night. One of my youth was making a speech when another kid was pulled out of the area by a dark "Thing". People assumed that it was a person; someone among us. I got the sense that it was a demon. Everyone began to search for it- Tim Wintonuw, my friend Robyn, Pastor Harold..random people from my life. They were all searching for a person. Me and David were holding on to some wires from a computer or machine, just because being in that place was scary. Suddenly everyone in the room started to come at the wires we were holding, like zombies with their expressions blank, moaning really low. They grabbed the wires and started to eat them. Inside their mouths was a darkness. I knew that was the demon. As you ate the wires it clogged your mouth so you couldn't speak or breathe. I closed my mouth tight because I didn't want to eat the wires, and then I suddenly started shouting, "Jesus Christ" "Jesus Christ" and my mouth was open and I could speak clearly, let go of the wires and I started to shout to everyone, "SAY JESUS' NAME! JESUS CHRIST!" I continued doing this until everyone in that room had been free from the wire eating demon, then ran to another room. "Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!" I said it over and over and over again, it was all I could say. Once everyone was free, they started to go about as normal, but I couldn't stop saying "Jesus Christ!" to everyone, even people I usually would care about what they thought. I was filled with so so so much joy that I couldn't stop. Everytime I said His name I'd fly up into the sky a little bit. It was like the name "Jesus Christ" just needed to be spoken out- that if people would only hear the name of Jesus they could be saved!!
I'm starting to meditate on the Jesus prayer, "Jesus Christ Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner" in my daily life...We really don't know the full power His name holds!!!

Thank you Jesus for such an amazing dream!!!

Would you care...

To dance?

Just this weekend Aeden was playing at CLBI welcome back coffee house. It was an original song of worship and my feet wanted to get up and dance around. I didn't.

Last year during a silent retreat with TREK one of the girls heard the word, "dance" for me. I barely picked up my pointe shoes at the MARK centre.

This year I was going to do "bollywood" dance classes, but they were on a day I couldn't attend.

Besides occassionaly dancing around my room or living room, I don't do much. For something that gives me so much joy, why can't I get myself to be part of anything? Why don't I dance?

I have never defined myself as a dancer, and I KNOW my skills are limited. Still, God can use me right? Is it even worth it? I battle between being still and flailing around. What would you have for me, LORD?

Just some thoughts today.

When the Children listen...

Since the beginning of coming to this Church, I have felt the need to encourage and introduce them to the world of listening prayer. Here I come with my head full TRA LA LA! I love kids because they are so challenging.

Some good signs though:

I was reading to my junior youth out of Brad Jersak's "Children, can you hear me?" book. We got to a point about Jesus speaking, and playing games like hide and seek. One of my girls eyes get really wide and she asked in amazement, "Does it really say that?!" They loved the pictures of Jesus booting the evil guys out the door.

I challenged my Senior youth to look for a fresh symbol in their lives...What does God say they look like? What is God like? They were all too nervous to do it, so I listened on their behalf (knowing they wouldn't share themselves what God told them) and every single one of them lit up and paid careful attention to what picture I had received in my head for them...As a whole I saw them as a pinata, that God wanted to burst open because they are so full of good things! I won't be surprised if I get fired once parents hear about this!

Without my youth really knowing about it, they have been listening to God,and hearing from him, every time we do a Lectio Divina. It is kind of like my little secret with God. Here they are, not really "believing" yet reporting what God has said to them all the while! And of course, their discoveries in Bible Passages I have done Lectio's with over twenty times probably, are FRESH INSIGHTFUL and uniquely PERSONAL. So beautiful. so exciting. I personally love that God reveals the mystery of the Kingdom of Heaven to children and hides it from the learned. It is truly truly about time that adults started seriously learning and listening to children.

(the picture is of Malakai...a boy who has taught me immeasurably more than I taught him)

that old chestnut

Pablo Nerudo has a quote that says, "Whom can I ask what I came to make happen in the world?"

I can relate. I know I should ask God, but He doesn't answer my questions very speedily. Nor does He find it important to answer them at all! I'm probably swimming in a big chemical pool of sin by saying that. God has every right to withhold his intentions from me, and it is my little lack of faith and trust self that is worrying and frittering about my future. Actually, He has a specific command NOT to worry about tomorrow. Oh me of little faith!

It overwhelms me. I have a lot of half-interests: art, gypsies, travel, the environment, listening, letter writing, community, spiritual direction, trees... Nothing that I would want to do forever. Then you have to add on if I ever have a family I need to support them and what about medical coverage? Holidays? It is very easy to expand worries to include multiple levels.

Some people are born with a passion for something. Their whole life is built around the goal of becoming a _______ or doing __________. I don't want to accept that God may have made me the type of person that was born to be an example of "never finds out what they are here for". No thank you God!

For now, all I can do is live in this space where I am doing something I may not love. But I am dreaming, and paying attention to what stirs me. Like the monk off of Baraka, dressed in white. He walks against the stream of crowded streets slowly slowly ringing a small bell. Is he filled with purpose, or does it feel futile?

Deeper I go, into the metaphor that is a tree

You would think I would let go of the tree thing one of these days. I mean, what more could I say about them? I don't know what it is; it is just so helpful for me to think of life through the tree lens.
My friend just died. He was rock climbing and fell. God has been telling me to "keep looking up" lately, but this tragedy has been weighing heavy on me, creating a big huge ache that I don't have words or actions for. I do not feel peace or resolution; I do not have comfort that he is climbing up Mt.Zion with Jesus. I don't feel like crying to Jesus. I feel so disconnected from everything, sitting in my car alone so that it isn't just me and a lot of space with people buzzing back and forth with purpose and focus and tasks. I feel so weird.
If I don't feel like I can love much right now, I can at least look at the trees. They are indifferent to my particular state.They are just here. I went down to Indian Battle Park again, and sat at a bench. The wind was blowing fiercely. I looked up at a tall strong tree, the leaves blowing, clinging to their branch.
God reminded me that we use "Family Trees" to describe lineage and ancestors. Although I think we are considered branches in that, I thought about humans more as the leaves on a tree. We dangle in space, clustered together with family and friends. When autumn arrives, leaves start dropping. Members of our branch fall. This is sad. Some of us, we notice when a leaf from the other side of the tree falls and we are sad about this too. Even though we will all leave the tree as we know it, it is still hard. We fight the inevitable. As Erin Langager told me, when we fall, we become dirt again; we join with God. This is the season of fall. When winter comes the tree will be bare. But God promises to make things new. When the REAL spring comes everything will be alive. We will all be perfect, green, and new.
Life is fragile. Like a leaf. Death is painful for the living because it was never supposed to happen. It all came down to a choice. That choice involved a tree. And I guess, now that I think about it, so does following Jesus. When I can't go to Jesus directly, maybe I should remember a tree that he had involvement with. Maybe I could meet him there.

October

Down in the coulees between the west of Lethbridge and every other part is a little park. After a loooong day staring at a computer I decided to go there to watch the sun set. Driving down into Fort Whoop up is like going down a deserted secret road to the most beautiful sanctuary ever. There was so much beauty (okay, I'm a sucker for trees) I could hardly take it in. I watched a trio of leaves spiral slowly down in the air from their branch. I smelled FALL. As much as I wished I had my camera, God reminded me that He isn't really about self-preservation. He wants me to live now, to rest now, and to be present, listening now. I went down to the Old Man River ( that seriously is its name) and just noticed. I noticed how much I love rocks. I noticed how slow the river moved, lapping the rocks and curving this way and that. I noticed that this park was quite close to the road, where cars were quickly passing. Such a shame. God is always speaking to us, always revealing himself to us. Where did September go? We need to slow down. We need to slow our hearts and minds. We need to spend even an hour, in God's FRICKEN AWESOME AMAZING creation, listening. No agenda. Wonder what He's been saying to you?

The waiting game (pic of 3 of my klassens)

I'm not sure why it is called a game. It isn't much fun at all. Anyways, just briefly glancing over some of your blogs it seems we make a small team: the waiters. I think our theme verse is Isaiah 40:31 and our theme song is , "Hurry up and wait". We are warming up and ready to play... But I guess there has been a delay.

Ala Aimee Odegard and her wonderfulosity, I am going to make a list of the the things that I am waiting for right now:
I am waiting for tuesday to be over, or at least the work part
I am waiting for thanksgiving, so I can see my family
I am waiting for Welcome back weekend so I can see my friends
I am waiting for mail
I am waiting for my job to become less frustrating
I am waiting for motivation to start doing something
I am waiting for David to ask me to marry him
I am waiting for my office to warm up
I am waiting for the junior youth's parents to hand in their surveys
I am waiting for my new contacts to come in so I can see again
I am waiting for a pay check
I am waiting for a time I can do laundry
I am waiting for Kari to phone me back
I am waiting for an opportunity to apologize
I am waiting for a fresh word from God
I am waiting for inspiration
I am waiting for clarity
I am waiting for Christmas!
I am waiting for my silent retreat trip to Abbotsford in November
I am waiting for Walshy to come live with me
I am waiting for the leaves to fall
I am waiting for the Eschaton.


...I don't want to be stuck waiting and not living in the here and now. I know that by waiting for the LORD some of these things will come to be, and some never will. Help me God to know what is worth waiting for.

I am a ROLLERCOASTER!!

Woohoo! Well, it is true. Everyday as Elli is an adventure. I would still appreciate if you listened to Jesus on my behalf but I am not near as weary as I was yesterday. Due largely to my awesome wonderful mother. Last night we talked until midnight sitting on the kitchen countertop about God and churches and faith. It just makes me so grateful. Even if I have trouble getting up in the morning (who doesn't?) and my job gets increasingly more complicated, Jesus finds me. Not because I am good at what I'm doing, or because I believe the right thing. Jesus finds me because He loves me. Woohoo. That is fricken awesome.

I dread the sound of his black shoes clicking on the cold stone floor in the church foyer. I sink down in my chair as I hear those steps going up the stairs to my office. I pretend to be engaged in some material as he awkwardly steps in. To congratulate me on bringing vegetables to youth, or asking me to see if his office looks nice enough to be on television.
But this isn't about him. I am weary. I am weary of religion. I am weary of people who think that one of these days Law will love them. I am weary of my own doubts and small boxes. I am dissapointed in my spinelessness and weakness of character. I am so weary for all people who are longing for change and can't see it anywhere. I am weary for those who cover their burnt dinners with, "life is a piece of cake!" I want to be hugged. I want to go for a quiet hike with David into a high valley of green. I want to be surrounded by a lack of expectation. I want to lay in green pastures with my shepherd. I want Jesus. Oh, I am weary.
I don't like pickleloaf. I don't like being defensive. I will take the rest of this day to listen to "pass me not" on repeat. If you could, and if you would, please listen on my behalf and share with me what Jesus tells you. Thank you.

MIND SWITCHEROO

Today I woke up and was in a terrible, self-defeating mood. Despite saying St. Patricks prayer every morning, "I arise today with a mighty strength..." I came to work and was still in this miserable mind frame where everything is slightly negative. Then a song popped into my mind: This is the day that the LORD has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it! And suddenly I realized I was dissing God in a major way. That is a kick in the pants. I have so much to be thankful for, and even if I can't think of anything the truth remains that God made this day and He wants it to happen and there WILL be things to rejoice in. I am so thankful for God and his patience with me. I am so thankful for friends and kids that encourage me and love on me. I am thankful for fall leaves!!! I am also thankful for Walshy, who has such an encouraging post today. So what are you thankful for today? What are you rejoicing about?

BLAST OFF! into the alien world of youth work

So I just started a job as the Director of Youth and Family ministry at a church in Lethbridge. I say "a" church because although I attended this one when I lived here, I knew next to nothing about it when I accepted the position. I maybe should have looked into that.

A week in and already there have been so many cross-communication errors and phone calls from concerned parents (what in the world?) that, had this not been a job plopped into my lap by God, I would be screaming "FIIIIIREEE! ME!!!!" running from the building. So I am forced to trust and have faith that God's will WILL be done, and that exactly what He wants me to do here will happen. And how?

A dear lovely wonderful woman who is rich with wisdom insight and a love of God and Christ's teachings (Anita) gave me a verse from Malachi 6:8 that reads, "He has shown you O man what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." This year for me, is all about walking humbly with God, being guided by God, and listening to Him step by baby puncy step. Another woman, who is unsurpassed in beauty creativity and honesty (Lynne) decided to do devotions with me one morning from a province away and we talked all about: Guidance! Thank you Lynne. Also, I was looking back at some emails and I had a cut and dry one from the most intelligent and righteous man boy I know, Josiah Klassen saying simply, "Well, God will guide you..." It makes me so thankful for such a GOOD God that would set me up so wonderfully and (because I'm so blind) give me so many verses to hold on to.

I am struggling right now with some of the rules set up for me: not allowed to use the NIV, not allowed to teach certain things, or use certain authors and maintain a clearly "Lutheran" youth group and sunday school. I am not against Lutheranism by any means, but this is difficult for me , especially coming from a Church that I fell head over heels madly in love with in Abbotsford (Fresh Wind) which is not Lutheran. My mother explains denominations as cousins: you have the weird ones that are always dancing and laughing and being slain in the spirit, you have the quiet cousins that don't say much etc... and I really like that illustration because it remains that we are all part of the same family: our family in Christ.

So what can you do? Email me, pray for me,write me a real letter, share a verse with me...I NEED to hear from you!!

I have 2 Corinthians 5:7 "For we walk by faith, not by sight" hanging up in my "office". It reminds me that no matter what my physical human senses say; Jesus is looking at things a lot differently. Oh, that I will cling to that!

Assistance! Assistance!

please someone help me do this. I'm alone. And scared.

How do I add friends and other blogs?

Yep. I am out of date.

I give in!!

Okay okay okay so I know I have always been adamantly against blogs, but here I am. I sit in an office for long periods of time and I miss a whole ton of people.....But I'm still writing regular post mail! Just give me a little grace will you? :)