Lent fast failure

As always, I gave up sweets for Lent this year.
Only I forgot and ate a fortune cookie...And made apple crumble with brown sugar.
Three days into Lent.

I'm actually quite happy. It made me think.

I'm not satisfied with the , "give something up, take something on" approach to Lent. Does the why ever get asked? Not the, "to be healthier, to spend less" but the real why?

Every year I've tried to give up sweets or sugar for Lent. I always fail, and so, feeling bad, quit Lent. But that is the thing: you can't quit Lent, because you can't win or fail. I've been going through Lent like I go through life- subconsciously trying to be perfect, focusing on sticking to my resolutions (which doesn't happen), forgetting that I CANNOT BE PERFECT? Which is why we NEED Christ, and what his whole life is about??!?

My advent was beautiful.It was rich; it had depth meaning and many conversations with God. Because of that, my Christmas was powerful. I'm really thinking my Lent should be the same. Different revelations, different lessons. Like that one about grace I keep forgetting.

The cross and all it stands for often escapes me. I just don't contemplate it enough. I think it makes me uncomfortable. In the cross, is my wholeness, freedom, closeness...and it stands there. Patiently (which it certainly doesn't have to do) quietly (which it really doesn't have to do) and with the most graceful and gentle invitation.

My Lent this year isn't going to be 40 days of trying to be perfect. Maybe the exact opposite: realizing and admitting to all my broken and grungy places- and inviting Jesus there.

Maybe I'll start with my super huge sweet tooth ;)

Joan of Arc

Our life group went to see a performance on the trial of Joan of Arc.

I did a little research about her when I got home.
The first time she heard "voices" she was twelve in a field. She didn't want to leave because the voices were so beautiful.

Sometimes God is predictable. He takes the peasant and turns them into a saint. He takes the woman and turns her into a military hero. He takes that which isn't and makes it into something which is- impossibly- for his glory. It all points to him.

During her trial, right before she was killed, she stopped herself and said that she had committed a terrible sin- denying God for fear of death. Despite all the incredible things that God accomplished through her, she had serious guts. She once tried to escape her imprisonment by jumping out of a 70 foot high window. She returned to battle after an arrow wound in the neck! And yet, she was human. She feared for her life. But she didn't stop. She set things right before she died.

It is said that her wisdom and choice of wording during her trial had those persecuting her stupified. To me that word means, "God put those words in her mouth".

Ultimately this nineteen year old girl died a martyr. She was so so so brave.

It leads me to wonder what it means. For us, for me. I know I'm pretty extreme but it makes me think of our shallow comfortable culture and how we worry about what we'll wear or eat and if we "fit in" and how to entertain ourselves and keep ourselves occupied. Occupied for fear of being silent and open. For fear of being used by God for incredible purposes. I honestly do believe that there are stories of this magnitude God wants to write in our day and age. I feel the urgency. I feel the urgency for even subtle miracles. i pray and PLEAD that God fills my heart and mind and ears and I don't occupy myself. I don't want to be too busy to be used by God. That terrifies me!

Joan of Arc, as controversial as she may be has become one of my mentors. May I listen to the beautiful voices of heaven and remain faithful to them.