TRUST

Have you ever known, for sure, what a period of time is for? Have you known that, despite the difficulty, you are most definitely being molded and stretched and blossoming? Life is like that for me right now, and really, the beauty of my story almost almost makes it worth it.

A wise woman, Amy McDaniel, once said that everything has consequences, whether we see them or feel them right away. I know this is true. Sometimes there are consequences that we feel both instantly, and over time.

To outsiders, grievers must be so annoying. When a person dies, they are gone and you get over it right? But I understand more now, about those who lose a loved one. Not only does it affect your heart and emotions, but it also affects a deeper part. Sometimes it affects your future actions, your thought patterns, the risks you take in the future, and your ability to reach out.

When Anton died, only then did I realize the power of his influence in my life. He was my first love, and more importantly, the first person I let in. For a woman, guarding your heart is very important. You don't let just anyone see the real you. And if you do, it means they have somehow displayed trustworthy and gentle characteristics. Funny thing about ourselves is that, we don't actually have control over this. We don't decide. Our heart does. And when you do welcome someone into your sacred space, they never leave.

The consequence of Anton dying was obvious:grief.But others slowly tagged themselves onto my heart and took me down with them. Consequences like fear, distrust, cowardice to risk and love, hopelessness and depression. With the help and support from amazing people I thought that I had worked out a lot of those side effects. Still, some held strong.

Last weekend when I was at David's, I had a breakthrough. I wasn't giving him my whole heart. More importantly, I wasn't giving God my whole heart. I was still very much afraid. What if he leaves, or what if he dies? What would be left of my heart? And with God, what if he takes away from me those I love the most? Can I really, honestly, truly trust him? And if I don't, will my ability to love be inhibited? Will I always put up a wall of protection from hurt?

I know I am at a cliff edge. I know that this next step will determine a lot for me. I know that my decision to trust or doubt God will change the rest of my life and walk. Someone once told me that trust has to be cultivated. It does take time. It takes opportunity. When a situation comes up, even small, in my life, am I going to say yes or no?

There is a quote that is sung in Taize that says: "Keep me O God, for I trust in you. You show me the path of life. In you there is joy in it's fullness."

I want to give God my whole heart. I want to love him with the knowledge that he loves me in the purest and strongest sense. I don't want to be afraid. The world is sinful; it has fallen. There will be pain in my future. But, I hope too, in Christ, that there will also be joy. Jesus understands the predicament I am in. He chose to trust his Father, even into death. He chose to really let me live, so it is my responsibility to risk. Without it, I cannot grow into the fullness of who I am. O Jesus, help me to trust. Amen.

Trust

I do not look at mountains with awe
Anymore
Stand as giant gravestones
The cause of the loss
(I cannot recall his smell)

And now
Climbing headfirst with passion upwards
Going in throngs through my grasp
It seems the biggest thrill (for them)
I cannot keep my heart safe

If it isn’t a mountain it is a road
It is black ice
A deep cough
It is fear manifested in life
And I cannot smother it.

I tell you I’m barely moving
I’m so afraid to lose again
No illusions left of youth or immortality
The endless probability of pain stands unspeaking

You open my hands
Gently rub my palms awake
Fingers stretching
You mold me into letting go
Ever so tender

You sit with me in silence
(Even as I quiver)
Inviting
So patient
So near.

important changes of season

I love spring!!! I know it is only January, and that it will most definitely snow again. I can't help but frolick around now, while the sun is out and everything is melting; I'm euphoric. Just let me play, and breathe this in. Also, this time is exciting, as I watch friends emerge from shells and old coats and stand on their own wobbly legs, learning how to walk the walk with Jesus.

I know that seasons change, and truly, I'd get so tired if it always stayed the same. So funny, that we become anxious, doubting, and chaotic when our spiritual life changes. I've gone from a year of summer to a year of winter. Maybe it changes monthly for you. Whatever the case, why are we not used to the constant change? Why can't we accept it, and see it for what it is? You haven't done anything wrong or sinned extra bad, no, it is just the time to work on things NOW.

In my minute meditation this morning it said to reflect on the important changes of season that have happened in your life. I noted that it said changes of season not, seasons of change. Why would that be? Could it be that the changing of seasons in my life is as important as the season itself? God won't keep us in the same place forever. Our earthly "comfort" is not one of his priorities. As I reflect on that, I think about a quote that says, " you can learn a lot on your knees" meaning that you can see different things than you can standing up or lying down. I can't possibly learn everything I need to with God when everything is wonderful. Trust him then? Oh yeah, that is easy. The real test comes when things aren't looking good, when I don't see enormous amounts of beauty or love. Is God really love? Is he really trustworthy?

I have to thank God when I think that He is more concerned with matters of my heart and soul than giving me the "life I want". He really does love us.

Between you and me

Right now I feel a separation from God. It could be the time of year; a sunless, grey, dismal place. It could be my sin; there is always that. It might be the stress of everything piling up; Anton's death and the pain I still hold, David being far away, this job and the ways it clashes with my beliefs...It might be that I am tired. Whatever the case, maybe a mixture of all combined, I feel a separation from God.
I don't hear his voice when I listen in my personal time. The insights I get from reading my Bible are poor at best. In this time when I should be delighting with every moment I get to spend with him -He is love, afterall- I remain sad. I don't get the impression that he wants to hug me in his throne room. He isn't my cheering squad, encouraging me. He isn't my friend distracting me for some fun. After all this time, after all we've been through together, I kind of thought I would be in a different place on my spiritual journey.
Don't get me wrong, he is still my God. I still love him. He knows relationships, and I know He cares about me. When you see an old friend after a long absence, sometimes the best thing to do is sit in silence for awhile. When your heart is grieving, sometimes the best thing a friend can do is sit in silence with you. If Jesus is the master of relationships, I have to think that this is what he has chosen to do with me, and I am grateful He knows me so well, and relates to me in the way I need it the most.
Yes, Jesus does know me, and He knows the best ways to reach me. Sometimes they are down-right wacky, but then, I am a kook. I trust him, even when he keeps me up ALL night just so I won't sleep in and miss an important prayer meeting he wants me to go to. I trust he knows what he is doing when he piles on the stress, so my only option is to depend on him. I trust him when the tasks I'm given are way too big for me. Well Jesus, you love me best. You must know what you are doing.
Everyone who has a relationship with Jesus experiences something different; a different slant. Jesus relates to us all uniquely because we are all unique.
I better spend some time appreciating the silence God is giving me. I should trust that he knows, and is being intentional. Maybe it isn't a separation after all. Maybe if I sit with him long enough, it will be so quiet that I will hear him breathing. I hope so.
(Picture by Sabrina ward Harrison, "home")

Dancing through life...

Yesterday as I was listening to God, I asked Jesus the question, "if we were dancing, what dance would we do?" And I started to visualize. I could see me on the stage, the lights warm and bright. I could see that there was an audience, somewhere hidden in the dark. The song was playing, and it was Cathy Hardy's "All will be well" which is instrumental. This isn't a very good song for the waltz I thought. And it definitely wasn't the waltz that Jesus had in mind.

I looked over as I began to move, and Jesus was dancing. A contemporary piece. I love contemporary dance. It is very confusing to some people; they just don't understand it. It was interesting to me that Jesus would have us do this together. He wasn't my choreographer, he was my dance partner. Contemporary is almost entirely using your emotions. Jesus wants to dance with me, not lead me, in a dance of my emotions and heart?!

Wow. It was at first awkward for me, to reach an arm out and begin moving again on stage, yet Jesus was dancing too, and he was supporting me and together the picture we were creating was beautiful. Jesus IS my friend. He dances beside me.

I like to take this picture into the youth work that I am doing. I know next to nothing about being a good youth worker, but I do understand relationships. I feel strongly called to walk beside my youth, not dictate to them. In a dance, if someone forgets, they look over to the other person to remember their next action. Sometimes they make it up until they remember. I think it is time for me to stop making it up, and trust that Jesus will dance with me, and it is only through a duet that the beauty can be conveyed.

fifth of the fifth

Two keys on the typewriter I got from my Grandma's garage sale. It is coincidentally my first initial and David's.