thaw

I've been feeling like a perma-frost. A numbing that is just a couple inches from the surface. There have been beautiful life-stilling moments in my days, and I can feel them, but not deeply- not really. What do I need? What will do the trick? Repenting? Praying? Giving? Sleep?

I listen to an online sermon. God cracks open the rock and water pours forth, for the grumbling Israelites.  God cracks open his own Son, for my suffering. The Preacher says his last words and the track stops. I want a little more, a little more of someone's voice but I'm left with the thrum of the refrigerator, and the buzz of the computer. The silence goes down into my gut. I think of putting on youtube, but I stop myself. I can be so blinded by this world. By my fantasies. By my situations. I am not always honest with God. And today the wind blows through the Tamaracks and the bushes with yellow and white buds.

And I feel tears well up behind my eyes. I don't know exactly why. God's mystery never comes with a warning like I think it will- or with corners and perimeters. I think it has to do with my desire to know Jesus. Who he is;who he was. Not who I think he is, or think I need him to be. But right now he caught me off guard and with a swell of warmth came upon me, and I can't do anything but collapse.

Jesus. And a magnificent mind shattering centuries, millenia- old plan. To love me.

Trust

So I've been wanting to really intentionally listen throughout my day, as I've been feeling a bit deaf and numb. My neighbour is a yoga instructor, and she asked me today if I wanted to come to one of her sessions at her house this evening.
I have done yoga before, but I'm always very conscious of the spiritual aspect that I am totally uncomfortable with. I wasn't sure, but I also thought it could be a good way for me to still myself and listen to God again. So, I started to do some pre-stretching (ha! don't want to be embarrassed!) and just praying a general protection prayer. Her husband does childcare in the next room, so I brought Zoe over and did some yoga.
It was a bright room with a window looking over the forest. There were only three of us, and it felt very relaxed and comfortable. When she asked us to set our "intention" I asked God to make me aware of his spirit in me, and to be still and listen.
At one point we were doing a stretch that puts you in a lunge and then you put your hands above you and arch your back (soo hard!) and she said something about letting this be your "expression of trust."
Hmm...
When we opened our eyes, the first thing I saw was the tamaracks bending and swaying in the wind.
Hmm..
So it continued, and of course, all the positions that require you to open up your chest, or "heart space" I have such a time with. I know that I am guarded. Afraid of a lot.
As I've been thinking about this, and trust, I think I have said "no" for awhile to God's nudgings, although I'm not too sure when or why. I convinced myself to stay huddled up instead of branching out. And those  tamaracks, well they sway like they are going to fly away, but they trust that their root system is deep.

What can I do but Trust that God is good?! What can I do but lean and rely and adventure out in Trust? To pray and trust that I am heard. To trust that God has plans for me and guides me in them.To trust that He is my defender.Maybe I'll do that pose more...To feel my shaking feet and legs and the stretch across my chest and through my back...And be reminded that I can have TRUST in God. He roots me and holds me and asks me to be brave. To adventure out. To "trust in the LORD with my whole heart and lean not on my own understanding..." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Zoe: life lessons 9

When Zoe walks, holding our hands, she tends to take huge purposeful stomp-steps. She puts her head down and just goes...Often faster than her legs can move, and faster than we can keep her up with our hands. While it is super cute, it isn't very effective for taking leisurely strolls, or actually balancing. 

I've been feeling out of balance. Life has been full- which is so great- but I haven't stopped, just put my head down and kept going. More days than not I feel in a bit of a funk, which is unusual for me. 

Something really meaningful for me someone once said was that I get a word from God and then run with it...Which is sometimes a good thing, and sometimes not so much! I tend to get ahead of myself and get over-confident. I hear one thing and then put my head down and don't keep listening!!

Now, I am lonely for the companionship of God's voice. I want to be still, to listen. I want to be watching and searching and listening for Him in everything again. Life is so much more fulfilling and adventurous and simple and lovely when I remember that I'm being pursued by one who knows how to love me, to woo me,guide me and to delight me. May I slow down and look up to the hands I'm holding, to the One who walks with me, teaching and loving me.