New blog?

Well this blog has had a virus of some kind for a long time so I made a new private blog. If you want to view it please send me an email at ekvemshagen@gmail.com

I'm not sure if I still want to blog, but we'll see. I may start using this one again too.

Zoe,what do you see?

Zoe is at a fun stage now where her babbelings are becoming words. I can tell that she is as excited about this new ability to be understood and communicate as I am. Were I to ask, where is your_________ (baby, bottle, soother, shoes, hat, jacket, wakey bear, bath, bubble dog, etc.) she runs to the item, or searches for it, and proudly brings it over to me (or alternately repeats what she wants over and over again "bath" "bath')
She points out things she sees outside, or inside, and when we go for walks I find I often ask her, "What do you see?"

Which has been helping me ask myself the same question. It has been so humbling to learn that I am not looking at life as fresh and hopeful and beautiful as I used to- that my mind is preoccupied much of the time, rather than being saturated in the present moment. But Zoe; she is delighted by every morning and every hand gesture, and every post-bath nudie-on-the-loose run around the house. She loves walking up townsite hill and picking up pine cones and rocks.

It has been very rainy here, much like the coast, and Zoe and I were out on a walk and puddle jump, when I started to ask her again, "what do you see?". It was almost like a re-training session for me, to see the different colours of rocks in the pavement, the green grass growing through cracks in the walkways,

the round balls of white flowers on the bush in front of our house that we didn't know about last year (we moved in August)

the contrast of grey road and bright bright little happy girl

And it wasn't quite silence, but it was pretty soothing for my heart. 

And the best things about it is, when I too am delighted by the things that delight Zoe, that catch her eye, we share our joy and deepen our relationship with each other. I don't want to be too full of my "to-do's" to notice these things- and wonder sometimes what it is about them. Zoe helps me remember that we do indeed live in a wonderland, doused with God's creativity and beauty. 

Zoe life lessons 12

There is a picture A.O. took at Zoe's birth where my eyes are wide and I have this expression of complete surprise and shock and awe at this little baby on my chest (but I didn't post it- no breast shots of me on the internet!!). I still feel that way. I almost have this disconnect-awe because I just simply can't wrap my mind around being a mom, having a baby, and the miracle that is Zoe and her personality.

I was thinking about it yesterday. I do not feel possessive over Zoe in some senses, because I know that she is so much more than David and I- that she was created by God. She is just pure gift. It is an amazing incredible mind boggling privilege that God entrusts us with human lives, to love and raise with discipline and compassion. I already feel that I am failing so badly at this! But there is so much grace!! I am so humbled by this work of parenting.

The truth- that we are created and loved by God and so so special is true for all of us. I want to take this belief into every conversation, visit, thought and prayer I have for myself and others. Everyone. My prayer is for everyone I come across to feel that I value them, what they have to say, to bestow dignity and grace and service towards them. Amen.

Natures lesson today

 

(I didn't have my camera or phone with me today, otherwise I would've snapped a picture. This one is from Japan, but you get the idea)

As Zoe and I were walking up the townsite hill today, as we usually do, we noticed at the bottom there was a mama deer and her baby fawn. The baby fawn was behind a big chain fence, and there was only a tiny crack in the corner, where it must have gotten behind it. The fawn was squeaking and running around, trying to get out. 

I was so worried for the little guy, said a prayer and hoped it would find the tiny crack in the fence. After a couple minutes it still hadn't, and I worried that it would not make it out- the fence was waay too high for it to jump, and maybe mama too. 

I looked over to the mama, who was watching Zoe and I, to see what she would do. She folded her legs, and lay down. Then, the fawn, following suit, awkwardly lay down too. 

I was surprised by how calm the mama deer was. She didn't get all in a huff. This man made obstacle didn't worry her or concern her, and she knew exactly what to do to get her little one to relax too. No doubt, after laying down for awhile the fawn found the exit. 

Today I'm going to listen to this lesson from my mama deer friend. Stay calm. Teach your baby calmness and peace through example. Man made obstacles in my day need not worry me or alarm me. Thank you God for this gift!

Zoe: life lessons 11

Zoe likes to play this game with anyone where, she holds something out for us, we take it, give it back, she looks at it for a second and then immediately holds it out for us again. This continues on as many times as we give it back. She will extend her arm and give it back again. I like to give her the item back (cheerio, cracker, weeble wobble, stuffed animal, book, whatever) because I want to build that trust in her, that she can generously give and share, and always know her hands will not be empty.

I was reading the book of Colossians today, and about this abundant and new life that we live. I thought, "well I trust God", but questioned myself further, and knew that I really don't. I get anxious when I think about total surrender. All my "what ifs" and "yeah buts" and "well in my situation that wouldn't work see..." I don't trust that God's way will lead me into total joy and abundance. I can say it, I can mull it over, but there is still anxiety and worry balled up in me.

The good news is; I think God has a lot of patience :)
Not only that, but I think that He is totally willing to play a trust game with me, like that game with Zoe, over and over and over again. If I have to give up a part of my life, and have God replace it with something better, or just give it back to me over and over again, until I trust, I think God is okay with that.

The best part about this game, or this prayer, of giving and receiving and trusting, is that your hands are always open, and they are almost always full.

Zoe life lessons 10

(this picture is funny. Anyways.)

Yesterday was a tough day for me to be grateful and happy. It was totally yucky out, the night before I had run over a girl's dog with our car (Although it was a miracle! The dog was okay!) I was worried about getting a job, and also worried that I was being too worried and not trusting God, and the same old woes about being used for the Kingdom. We were (are) all sick with a bad cough and runny noses. We were tired and weary.

Zoe had been crying and fussing on and off all day, basically unhappy to do anything for too long. I couldn't get myself motivated to sew anything, even though David was here and could technically look after Zoe while I cut out patterns etc. 

Desperate for some rest, I sat down in Zoe's room and nursed her, hoping it would help her get to sleep. As she latched on and off to cry and fuss, I decided to try the "eucharisteo" dare of thanking God, out loud. "Thank you God for Zoe, for her ways of communicating, for her warm body, her cute toes and dog ears..." 

I kid you not, she stopped fussing, not that she needed to in order for me to readjust my attitude. I think David heard me praying, and he came into Zoe 's room and lay on the floor. Zoe wasn't going to sleep, slipped out of my lap and walked over to David. We were all in her room, all pretty defeated by tiredness and sickness and worry about the future/present. It struck me then, how beautiful this was. We continue to stick together, to put worth in family, just being together even when it is yucky or boring. There is an invisible strength in the family unit, a strong woven thread of love that binds us together. God lives in the midst of us and strengthens and encourages us. And He makes me see beauty in small ugly things. He shows me how to appreciate all the great gifts He gives to me, especially a family. A daughter who lives and breathes and laughs and gets sick and heals. A Husband who tries and works and plays and dreams and stands by me, even with no certainty for the future. 

Not every day can be productive, exciting, super happy. But every day can be a place to see God's gifts, to hold my family and to say, "Thank you". 

thaw

I've been feeling like a perma-frost. A numbing that is just a couple inches from the surface. There have been beautiful life-stilling moments in my days, and I can feel them, but not deeply- not really. What do I need? What will do the trick? Repenting? Praying? Giving? Sleep?

I listen to an online sermon. God cracks open the rock and water pours forth, for the grumbling Israelites.  God cracks open his own Son, for my suffering. The Preacher says his last words and the track stops. I want a little more, a little more of someone's voice but I'm left with the thrum of the refrigerator, and the buzz of the computer. The silence goes down into my gut. I think of putting on youtube, but I stop myself. I can be so blinded by this world. By my fantasies. By my situations. I am not always honest with God. And today the wind blows through the Tamaracks and the bushes with yellow and white buds.

And I feel tears well up behind my eyes. I don't know exactly why. God's mystery never comes with a warning like I think it will- or with corners and perimeters. I think it has to do with my desire to know Jesus. Who he is;who he was. Not who I think he is, or think I need him to be. But right now he caught me off guard and with a swell of warmth came upon me, and I can't do anything but collapse.

Jesus. And a magnificent mind shattering centuries, millenia- old plan. To love me.

Trust

So I've been wanting to really intentionally listen throughout my day, as I've been feeling a bit deaf and numb. My neighbour is a yoga instructor, and she asked me today if I wanted to come to one of her sessions at her house this evening.
I have done yoga before, but I'm always very conscious of the spiritual aspect that I am totally uncomfortable with. I wasn't sure, but I also thought it could be a good way for me to still myself and listen to God again. So, I started to do some pre-stretching (ha! don't want to be embarrassed!) and just praying a general protection prayer. Her husband does childcare in the next room, so I brought Zoe over and did some yoga.
It was a bright room with a window looking over the forest. There were only three of us, and it felt very relaxed and comfortable. When she asked us to set our "intention" I asked God to make me aware of his spirit in me, and to be still and listen.
At one point we were doing a stretch that puts you in a lunge and then you put your hands above you and arch your back (soo hard!) and she said something about letting this be your "expression of trust."
Hmm...
When we opened our eyes, the first thing I saw was the tamaracks bending and swaying in the wind.
Hmm..
So it continued, and of course, all the positions that require you to open up your chest, or "heart space" I have such a time with. I know that I am guarded. Afraid of a lot.
As I've been thinking about this, and trust, I think I have said "no" for awhile to God's nudgings, although I'm not too sure when or why. I convinced myself to stay huddled up instead of branching out. And those  tamaracks, well they sway like they are going to fly away, but they trust that their root system is deep.

What can I do but Trust that God is good?! What can I do but lean and rely and adventure out in Trust? To pray and trust that I am heard. To trust that God has plans for me and guides me in them.To trust that He is my defender.Maybe I'll do that pose more...To feel my shaking feet and legs and the stretch across my chest and through my back...And be reminded that I can have TRUST in God. He roots me and holds me and asks me to be brave. To adventure out. To "trust in the LORD with my whole heart and lean not on my own understanding..." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Zoe: life lessons 9

When Zoe walks, holding our hands, she tends to take huge purposeful stomp-steps. She puts her head down and just goes...Often faster than her legs can move, and faster than we can keep her up with our hands. While it is super cute, it isn't very effective for taking leisurely strolls, or actually balancing. 

I've been feeling out of balance. Life has been full- which is so great- but I haven't stopped, just put my head down and kept going. More days than not I feel in a bit of a funk, which is unusual for me. 

Something really meaningful for me someone once said was that I get a word from God and then run with it...Which is sometimes a good thing, and sometimes not so much! I tend to get ahead of myself and get over-confident. I hear one thing and then put my head down and don't keep listening!!

Now, I am lonely for the companionship of God's voice. I want to be still, to listen. I want to be watching and searching and listening for Him in everything again. Life is so much more fulfilling and adventurous and simple and lovely when I remember that I'm being pursued by one who knows how to love me, to woo me,guide me and to delight me. May I slow down and look up to the hands I'm holding, to the One who walks with me, teaching and loving me. 

Zoe: life lessons 8

Zoe is one now, which is so crazy. I'm still not "used" to being responsible for such an amazing human. She is growing in capability and understanding every day: she dances and plays the drums or her shaker to music; she growls like a bear and buzzes like a bee. She chews her food and climbs like a pro. She knows when we are teasing, and tests our "no"s. 

I still enjoy (!) nursing her, and now she really vocalizes and gestures (pulls at my shirt) when she wants some mama's milk. Sometimes I nurse her more than she needs- at night to soothe her, and during the day if she is grumpy. I am in no rush to wean her, in fact, she might be ready to give it up before I am! Sleep, we're still working on! 

I've been thinking and reading about spiritual maturity lately. Through Zoe, God is teaching me about his love and discipline and presence. I think God treasures our early believing days, when He comes so close to us and encourages us. But, like every mother, there comes a time (I guess!) when total dependency- and hysterics when she's not around- is enough and its time to mature. I've been remembering the phase of letting go of my hand, when God seemed to be helping me grow in trust and assurance that even when I don't FEEL him, he is still there. At first it was scary! 

I hope as Zoe grows, and I grow too, out of receiving immediate help and comfort, we can embrace trust, fully assured of the love poured on us. 

Rise up!!

Okay so my friend Bre is getting me all fired up about this...

It is nothing new that women are portrayed in the media and advertisements as sex- objects and that is pretty much it, until we're all numb from seeing these images and subconsciously examining ourselves and measuring ourselves to an artificial woman...Essentially believing a lie about ourselves and the women around us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hibyAJOSW8U

You have so much more (so much better things) to offer the world than sex. Your beauty and femininity is not an image. It is not an appearance. It is of such high worth that it needs guarding.

And for some reason, taking pride in being a woman seems to come with fists and a boo-ra-ra....But it certainly doesn't need to. This isn't about fighting for rights. It is about re-claiming who you are. And for goodness sake's stop going to men to find out who you are!!!! I have come to believe that so many women are sexually confused/frustrated because they don't fit into a stereotype of femininity. Ridiculous!! What you do, what your passions are, how you look does NOT define who you are, in terms of your womanliness.

Women: you are so precious as you are, for what is INSIDE you, for your worthy spirit, and for what brings you joy and what you ADD to the world!! Take up space! ENLARGE the world with who you are! Stop trying to shrink and disappear.

Whatever you are interested in: plumbing, dance, family raising, justice fighting, business, computers, skiing, architecture, cooking, writing...You do it with a beautiful slant uniquely feminine and life- bringing! Share LIFE in whatever you do and wherever you go.

So...I'm wondering how to promote this truth in my life to other women. I'd LOVE to have a community of women of all ages that gets together to speak life to one another and teach each other...And I might use my sewn products as well...Are you doing anything?? Even in your own life? Cutting out television and magazines maybe? Wearing conservative clothing?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN3qO4sY3fk

Yikes.

I have been eager about getting back to intentional discipline and obedience, thanks to some prayer and rereading "A long obedience..." by Eugene Peterson. I have been going on auto-pilot and let me tell you, I've been completely unsuccessful. Yet, I don't find that discipline and obedience are hard, per-say.... Left up to me, they are impossible! Instead, because it is such a daunting task, I want to take a stance of anticipation-participation... Lots of prayer and acknowledgment that when I do see love and joy and peace and compassion in my life it is because of Resurrection Life inside of me, like it says in the message translation, " working out of your true selves, your God-created selves".

Anyways, today I was reading Matthew...Yikes. I have A LONG ways to go!!! It is actually super discouraging, and humbling.

I wrote a little psalm about it:

Jesus Christ-

come with me

hold my shoulders and present me to God.

God- the Holy God- the Beautiful God

God who loves and gives generously

For I am a failure on all accounts.

I am so sorry

For going on auto pilot

For going on the past

When you ask for the present me

to live right now.

It isn't much to work with, God.

But you see me in a better light than I ever can

And you polish my heart

Until I'm glowing.

Get all the dirt spots, God!!

Rub with your word and your direction.

Remind me that you're Great and Good

And won't leave me to discouragement

You are a present God for the present tense

And you'll help me here. And now!

Amen!

Mankind's real birthday

Happy Easter!! Mankind's real birthday! Because of Jesus, we have life!!

“Now that we are set right with God by means of this sacrificial death, the consummate blood sacrifice, there is no longer a question of being at odds with God in any way. If, when we were at our worst, we were put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death of his Son, now that we're at our best, just think of how our lives will expand and deepen by means of his resurrection life! Now that we have actually received this amazing friendship with God, we are no longer content to simply say it in plodding prose. We sing and shout our praises to God through Jesus, the Messiah!” - Romans 5:10

" The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full" -John 10:10

"You don't have to wait for the End. I am, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in me does not ultimately die at all. Do you believe this?"- John 11:25,26

"Could it be any clearer? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable life—no longer at sin's every beck and call! What we believe is this: If we get included in Christ's sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. That's what Jesus did."-Romans 6:5-7

"So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God." - Romans 7:4-6

"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!"-Romans 8:14-16

Good Friday

On Good Friday last year I was groaning in the worst pain of my life, giving birth to Zoe. This year I find it hard to slow myself down and not celebrate Resurrection and Life already.

I do not like to think about Jesus suffering. I avoid thinking about how it was for me. Because of me.

I've been reading through the Old Testament, in Deuteronomy. Today as I was reading I thought, "With all the terror that the Israelites had to go through because of disobedience, what makes it worth it to follow God for them? Sure there is blessing, but it just seems like so much wrath and anger and pain". And then I thought about Jesus. God has Jesus in mind from the beginning, always knowing the amazing love he was going to send down. In one Bible Study I did, it mentioned the formation that God specifically asked the Israelites to travel in: it was the shape of a cross. God could look down and remember his loving plan for these naughty wretched people.

All the pain would be worth it. I wonder if Jesus felt like a woman in labor, in a sense. I wonder if in his heart he was breathing and focused- not on the pain and death- but of the life that was coming from this amazing act. I hope so.

Today I feel a mysterious buzzing power in the air, every time I look outside...Like Easter is mankind's real birthday...And today, Jesus receives all the honour and praise and worship for making our new lives possible.

Thank you, Jesus Christ. Have mercy on me.

Zoe: Life lessons 7

Zoe is at the stage, just before walking on her own, where she loves to pull herself up onto things and shuffle along. She likes reaching and walking with us.

These new abilities are empowering and exciting for her, and us! But I've noticed, she's never quite as happy or calm as when we get right down next to her, to her level.

I can definitely be this way with God; excited as my spiritual maturity increases, when I'm trying a discipline out and it seems to be really gelling...But like Zoe, there are always stepping stones, and people to help me stand and live in certain ways.

And now matter how much I reach, God is the one who comes down to my level. He calms me. He is present with me...And as I was crouching down with Zoe the other day, got a sense of awe and fear in the holiness and love of what God did for us through Jesus.

He came to crouch beside us. He looks at us eye to eye, not from above. And his presence is here with us! Right now, flooding the room.

Early Easter

I woke up early this morning with Zoe and went downstairs to see a glorious sun slanting through the trees and into our kitchen, sending thousands of prisms of light on the snow in the front yard. Amazing. Thank you, God!

As I walked this morning I was feeling refreshed, loved and thankful for many many things, but mostly for freedom.It almost feels like Easter for me already, this flooding and overflowing thankfulness, and the life and resurrection spirit changing my heart and life. I am a bystander to the work God is doing in me. I do feel like a new creation, and transformation is probably my most favourite thing of all, so this is miraculously terrific! Gods ways are so mysterious, yet simple and life-giving. They deepen the breath and give such peace.

" It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life...Use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how love grows...What happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard- things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick to things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments,not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely...Since this is the life was have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives..." (excerpt from The MESSAGE Galations 5)

God's name certainly is Faithful. And Good. And pure unceasing Love.

So blessed to have His love on me.

Just some thoughts...And lots of snow

Happy First Day of Spring! (picture is of our view from the kitchen window!)

The snow here hasn't stopped, but keeps sprinkling down and piling up...

I've been reading about the Israelites in the wilderness grumbling...And I want to be a person filled with thankfulness. I so desire the wet spring and sprigs of green and the smell of new grass, but God is still giving us snow.

I have lots on my heart today, about love and discipleship, about gratefulness, freedom, resurrection and life, and guarding my heart and asking for more...But maybe some other day I'll write about it. I woke up this morning from a dream about people I love who've died and I'm all swirled up in the mystery and heaviness of loss and dreams and heaven and God.

Today the snow slides off the roof and builds up under our kitchen window. The trees across the street are drooping under the weight of their snow coats. And God is present and God watches over all my comings and goings. We'll see spring! Just not yet.

Outside

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As longs as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.” - Anne Frank

" Just out of a hospital, on furlough from World War 2, I took a rowboat out on a glacial lake in Switzerland. I rowed far from shore, took in the oars, laid myself down under the seat and just drifted for hours. The only sight I saw was the blue, almost cloudless sky. The only sounds I heard were the gentle slappings of water against the hull and the tinklings of cowbells from the mountainsides that cradled the lake. God was giving me a tiny hint of what peace in Heaven is like.

Today, when life's pace gets too frantic, I draw upon the memory of that time and that place. I use it to calm myself- to bless and heal.

You have memories like this too. Stop now. This instant. Choose one that still moves you. Relive it intensely. See, hear, smell, taste, touch...Remember!"

- Manuel Almada

Shrove Tuesday

The word "shrove" comes from "shrive" which is to confess...

I have been much too worried lately, about things within God's control, not mine

I have let anger build up in me, and out over trivial matters

I have used my words for death, rather than life

I have been ungrateful

I am using other methods to measure myself and worth, other than God's

I have not been present for Zoe and David as I would like

I have been unforgiving

I have been self focused and success focused

I have not been truly seeing, or hearing

So I am quite relieved that Lent is soon upon me! And with it, my intentions to...

FAST from outside and negative inside measures of my worth and who I am, instead focusing on who God says I am in scripture, and also to listen for His words of love during this season, and to fast from quick reactions, but to respnd with mercy and grace

PRAY because I put my trust in my prayers finding a listening and receptive ear, for myself my family, the world and concerns on my heart. for this binding prayer to meditate on and sink deep in:

I bind my mind to the mind of Christ

I bind my heart to the deep love of God

I bind my feet to the path you have called for my life

I bind my hands to receive all that you have for me, and to bless all they touch.

ALMSGIVING through non-financial ways such as truth -telling encouragement, smiles, craft work :) and time.

May God enrich your Lent and your lives!!

Soon!

The first four months of the year are usually the most depressing for me, and we're definitely in the thick of things right now...A couple more weeks and I'll see if I am an RMT, we'll see if we are moving to a different house/apartment, Zoe will turn 1 in April, I'll start selling all the things I have been making, we might have a new camera (ours is kaputz)and it MAY seem a bit more like spring, but this is Kimberley, so I might have to wait until June :)

Soon I will make a better effort of staying in touch!

Boasting

In light of how I have been feeling (like a loser) I am giving myself permission to boast a little bit about how capable I am realizing I am:

- cook delicious (David says they are!) healthy meals for my family every night

- Play and look after Zoe all day (and she doesn't nap for more than half an hour)

- Squish in time to sew and think up ideas for crafts

- clean up after a mom, a dad, an uncle (the worst!) and a baby

- Bake yummy sweet things (but not too sweet)

- stay in contact with people by writing letters and emails :(

- oh yeah, and study calmly!

- Use my play time with Zoe to exercise (squats and jumping jacks- she loves those!)

- Do my daily Bible reading

- waste time on the internet!

- do things that challenge and scare me (like taking an adult gymnastics class, as it turns out I hate gymnastics, but it was still a good challenge)

- stay polite and friendly and not lose my patience

Thank you God for carrying me through the days!!

Bodies

This is a re-post from a re-post, but it is so good, you have to read it:

"women need to start talking about our bodies and men and women need to start listening to women talk about ours outside of our weight, outside of how fat we feel, outside of whether or not a garment makes our boobs/butt/waist/arms/legs look bigger/smaller/more round/’too slutty’, outside of how much we hate our nose/freckles/earlobes/nail beds. We need to talk about bodies that are visually or non-visibly disabled, bodies that started out as male bodies, bodies whose color makes them and the folks inside of them pre-disposed to violence and prejudice and oppression. We need to talk about bodies that ache from bending down to pick up a baby all day and breasts that are tender from feeding that baby. We need to talk about bodies that are menopausal, that are pregnant, that are unable to be pregnant, that are fat and healthy, that are terminally sick, that are arthritic, that are strong and capable. We need to talk about how all this obsession with one kind of body affects the women inside of all these different types of bodies. For while we are much more than our bodies and greater than the sum of its parts, we kind of rely on our physical self to navigate ourselves through the world and to be the vehicle for our ideas, theories, love, and brilliance.


Women’s bodies are up for public consumption - whether they are visually appealing to us or not. It is perfectly acceptable to fawn over and idealize some bodies and criticize and pick apart others. However, heaven forbid we talk about the actual function of those bodies and the complications of such. Society wants to talk about female bodies all day long until those bodies are menstruating, sweating, flatulating, sagging, defecating, hairy, breastfeeding - anything which gives us away as being real, human and less than the object we are expected to function as."

(check out fromlightninglungs.tumblr.com)

For His Glory

"But you O LORD, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high"

- psalm 3:3

I've been feeling like a loser lately.

And I've been worrying about things I don't normally worry about, getting angry at things that don't normally upset me.

I've been lonely for good solid friendships.

BUT God is present. And God is beyond good. He shields me from the negative criticism I bring on myself, and the ugly judgments from others...And He guides my path and knows what He is doing. The difference, from what I can tell between God listeners and non-listeners, is that no matter how low or how much we "fail", my worth is always in Christ, and I'm loved. I need Jesus. God isn't concerned with us appearing strong and together, for he uses the weak to shame the strong- for His glory.

Quote

" When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability...To be alive is to be vulnerable."

-Madeleine L'Engle

Deeper Waters

I have been re-reading Madeleine L'engle's book, "Walking on Water" and my mind is being blown apart. I lay awake for half the night (well partly due to Zoe!) just running over and over in my mind the implications of , if this is true, then... And can say that I feel God pulling me into the deep waters of faith. I am a little bit scared, but also so thankful and excited. Here is a little pool to let wash over you:

A French priest, conducting a retreat, said,

To love anyone is to hope in him always. From the moment at which we begin to judge anyone, to limit our confidence in him, from the moment at which we identify [pigeon hole] him, and so reduce him to that, we cease to love him, and he ceases to be able to become better. We must dare to love in a world that does not know how to love.

We are to be children of light, and we are meant to walk in the light, and we have been groping along in the darkness. The creative act helps us to emerge into the light, that awful light which the disciples saw on the Mount of Transfiguration, and which the Hebrew children saw on the face of Moses when he had been talking with God on Mount Sinai.

On the shelf

I'm just thinking about gifts, spiritual gifts and "waiting until it develops" gifts.
I love to dream and dabble in a lot of things. In the past, I have used some of these minor (I mean it!Small gifts being used in bigger than me ways!) interests/gifts/skills in a variety of ways to bless others and feel purpose-filled.
Right now being a mama has been great for pouring out love and giving and feeling full of purpose, but lingering in the back of my mind have been things people have said recently or in the past about my supposed "gifts".
I used to love to dance, and did so often. Sometimes for concerts or performances. Even now it is one of my favourite ways to respond to music. I am not, however, in classes anymore, and don't do much of it at all. In the past few months two people have asked me how I am continuing to nurture this "talent". I am flattered, but in the back of my head know that I am not and never was excellent, and now especially, stiff and post-baby would look like a hippo in pointe shoes!Still, I would like to dance again, not just for myself.

On more than one occasion, a very faith-filled woman has told me that I should be drawing. The thing is, I don't draw! Well, not really. I come up with grand images in my head that I can never translate onto paper. What does this mean? Maybe she just made a mistake?

So, I have heard it said that sometimes there are spiritual gifts that are "put on the shelf" for a later date, so to speak, but this has me confused and wondering if anyone has a story of one of these shelf gifts and if the waiting paid off, or if they were surprised by the use?! Should I just plunker away at nurturing something for no real reason?