I don't really like pickleloaf.

I don't really like pickleloaf...I don't really like blogging. But here I am, blurting out whatever is on my mind.

Friday, February 27, 2009

according to your love...


Psalm 25


1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God.

Do not let me be put to shame,

nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one whose hope is in you

will ever be put to shame,

but they will be put to shame

who are treacherous without excuse.
4 Show me your ways, O LORD,

teach me your paths;
5 guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

for you are good, O LORD.
8 Good and upright is the LORD;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful

for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,

forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?

He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
13 He will spend his days in prosperity,

and his descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;

he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;

free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress

and take away all my sins.
19 See how my enemies have increased

and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me;

let me not be put to shame,

for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope is in you.
22 Redeem Israel, O God,

from all their troubles!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

poem


Faith gives feathers flight
Or so they say
Roots to punch deep in dirt
An either or

I’m tired.
Dreams are outside budding, cocooned
In a couple months they’ll leave me

I hand over too many leaps
To fear of failure
Too many miracles to the
Doubt in me

The prairie wind’s a bully
Your direction way too soft
I’m straining for a word or arrow
Am I to seize unseen opportunity?
Puzzled in wide spaces
You wooed me to

Can’t help but think
If I was between a rock and a hard place
I would have a solid place to stand
Or somewhere to kick off from

Thursday, February 12, 2009

To love...


I love coming to work fifteen minutes late. After nine the pace of the city changes. As I was driving to work (late) today, looking at the very very dismal and grey scenery, I was thinking about what it means to be tender with myself, and what it means to truly love our own self.

Last year I went to a conference and came back to discover that I wasn't at war with myself any longer. Let me explain. I used to look in the mirror and immediately attack something about me: my appearance, my skin, my hair, something stupid I said. I'd look in the mirror and say, "You are so stupid. You're such a mess up"...and other destructive thoughts. I'd be myself and then beat myself up for it for days. I'm too loud, too talkative, too stupid, too messy, too disheveled, too unoriginal, too fearful, too serious... I'd look at other women's lives and wish and hope and dream that I could be like that, only better. I've been through counseling and self-talks, I've talked to Jesus and even had prayer for the demons in me. Some ideas, thoughts and illusions of myself never changed. My mom is not happy with herself. I thought I could combat being like that, but everytime I look with envy on someone else's perfect artsy, creative, wild and alive life I know I have not accepted my own, or seen the beauty in it.

There certainly is no rest for a soul that thinks and feels that way. A friend told me simply, "you are a gift" and I was a wreck the rest of the day. I fought that idea so much I was in tears! It struck me right to the core of the matter. As a girl I was never introduced into the "circle of women" that teaches me to celebrate my own uniqueness and to know myself as a woman. This is an important step.

OKAY back to not being at war with myself any longer. After a long time of thought, journaling and prayer, I decided to write a contract to myself. I would treat myself the way I would treat others. When I look in the mirror I need to say, "Elissa, I love you, Jesus loves you, I forgive you and bless you". I need to dress up for me, and when I rest, it needs to be for me.

I wondered today, what it would look like to have peace about my own self. I read psalm 139 over and over. I talked to Jesus. I wrote a list of all my fears, and of all my desires.

All in all, I feel quite proud of myself for where I am, and who I am, even if I don't completely love myself. I know it won't come entirely, and even then, very slowly. There are still so many things I want to change. I guess that is part of the point though: I may want to, but that doesn't mean God does. What I think hinders me from being Christ-like, might actually help. It is so comforting to know he knows me far better than I ever will.

Sabrina ward Harrison says in one of her books, "I wonder if we could just love ourselves for 5 minutes a day, wholly, completely and unabashed". I wonder too. I wonder if it would make a difference.

I get to go see David on Valentine's day this year. The most exciting part is that I get to see David. We probably won't "celebrate" Valentine's day, but I hope that in my own heart I can inch towards self acceptance and love just a little more.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Butt-uary blues take that!!

(picture of my soon to be brother in la-la and my sister and a big leaf!)

Today I am thankful for the sun that makes it feel like spring

I am thankful for family and friends and strangers soon to be friends

I am thankful for arrowroot cookies and fresh vegetables

I am thankful for children carrying dogs around

I am thankful for music

I am thankful I can ask, "create in me a clean heart O God" over and over

I am thankful for the beauty of the world

I am thankful for grace

I am thankful for words pictures and sound

I am thankful for hugs and kisses and glances and smiles

I am thankful for imaginations

I am thankful for the opportunities to dream

I am thankful for apples

Today I am thankful you said "Yes" to me

I am thankful for risk and change and chance

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Justice, Jesus, decisions


I was at breakforth this past weekend. I usually always have some sort of issue with it. I think it is hard for me to worship in such a large group of people who I see acknowledging Jesus as their Saviour and then turn around to yell at me for talking to someone, who ignore the signs of genocide happening in Sri Lanka then sing that they are followers of the God of compassion. People who praise God for all he has done, then use words like, "You get what you deserve", or that they were"lucky". It doesn't help when I feel stuck in a church that doesn't believe in allowing the troubled, disabled or grieving to worship there... That the most important thing is to get hockey playing youth to come to church so they can be saved. It honestly makes my skin crawl.

There were some great speakers at Breakforth, and some really amazing worship, too. I think for me though, the highlights were completely separate from the mass of Christians gathering. On the street outside of Canada place I met the most incredible Sri Lankan people: Sheron, who has already lost aunties, uncles and friends to war, Shev- my new friend in grade five who shared with me how school is going, who his friends are, and ate my candy. I met Priya, who is having a terrible time making friends in Edmonton. I still felt useless, I felt so awful, but it was better than crossing the street and closing my eyes, heading down the stairs into the Shaw. It was one of the few times I've ever felt ashamed to associate myself with Christians. They wouldn't even look Shev in the eyes when he tried to give them a little pamphlet.

Outside of the Shaw, in the pedway was a homeless man with googly eyes playing his guitar with a big white beard. When I danced for him, while he was playing, he smiled. I know some people gave money, and looked at him, but there were thousands of people at breakforth.

I'm not trying to say I'm the best at being a Christian: I'm definitely not. I just love people, and I think the most exciting thing for me at breakforth was to awaken the fighter in me. Not an argumentive or angry person, but someone who loves justice, and wants to fight for it in peaceful productive ways. I felt so disconnected during breakforth when I was trying to relate to this God that ignored the imperfect and weak and naked and poor and just loved the good singers and church people. When I was listening to Shane Claiborne and listening to Jesus in my own heart, I really felt a deep connection with God, with Jesus' love and my purpose. I really could do a lot for the kingdom. I really could. You really could!! When I think of the type of person I want to become I think about Christen Schwanke, St. Juniper, Cathy Hardy, Evy Klassen, Reide Norman,Joanna Shantz, Erin,Phil Kjos, Neil Kroeger, Shane Caliborne, David Gillen, Brad Jersak, Lori Martin, Bethany Klassen, Andrea Kvemshagen and many other people who live with a compassion and generosity that can't be turned off. It is a decision to trust Jesus, and to love Jesus in the "least of these". I won't lie: I hope the Father lets me leave this church job soon, because my heart is not in this building. If he doesn't, I can look for ways to be grace and hope and love to people. Nobody is unimportant. Nobody is too small. There is a line of a song from the worship circle that sings, " there's not too poor, too dirty, too broken too naked too stupid too drunken to be..thrown outside His love" No one is outside of God's love. NO ONE.

Dear Jesus, continue to grow love inside of me, to spill it over the edges and to move it into action in the world today. Amen.