joy

I don't think of myself as a very joyful person...and God convicted me recently to remember I am his child and that it is something to be very very happy and joyful about.

Little things have been happening that show me God has planted a deep joy in my heart. One of our teachers brings her dog into the class and whenever I see her(the dog) she runs up to me and licks me and gets all excited, ready to play. My teacher says her dog has a special recognition for my joyful spirit. The Pastor's wife at church said her kids really like me- that I'm a joy magnet. When I get home after school I get so happy to be around David's gentleness and humour. I wish it translated so that I could deeply know and experience it.

It is hard to live in Vancouver. All the things I hear on the bus about bloodletting ceremonies, gay men breaking up marriages to sleep with the man, all my homeless friends I see everyday, and the shameful thought inside my head when I am exhausted; I hope I don't see them today. I cry on my walk home from church nearly every sunday, partly from the relief of seeing families and couples that love eachother, and partly because so much of what I am experiencing here at this point in life is challenging.

I think God will have much to say to me this Christmas about joy.

look and listen for awhile

(picture by "groundwork", check her out on etsy.com!)

honest intention

"Jesus our Hope,
Make us into humble people of the Gospel.
We would so much like to understand that
The best in us is built up by a very simple
Trust...
Even a child can manage it".

- Brother Roger, Taize

within the classroom

Midterms are among us at Utopia Academy.
We are STRESSED!
The energy in the classroom today was like waiting in the wings to go on stage...so much anxiety and nervousness.
For the first half of our Myology (the study of muscles) midterm we had to know (well, should have known :)) 540 different facts about muscles. That is a lot to be tested on! The second midterm today was for Clinical Assessment. You were paired off and then went into the room with the examiner and did a series of tests and assessments. Apparently the teachers (examiners) were being harsh and hard faced. Classmates were coming out of the test area crying! Today was a high intensity day.
Everyone gives an answer to beat the midterm or test stress:
"You are not your marks"
"calmness and understanding overcome fear and anxiety"
" It doesn't matter. Plenty of people have done it before and you can too. Stress doesn't help anything."

Some, I would agree with. They just don't have any staying power. Sometimes you'll be studying and you feel so incredibly stupid. Just incapable of ever getting through it. What am I doing? You say. Why did I think I could do this? I come home in tears many days. Exhausted. Just this morning I was thinking, if only you didn't have to pay for school...I'd have run away to Peru long ago! I wonder, why God, did you call me here? What is the purpose of this? What am I supposed to learn, and can we get it over quickly?

Today my partner was 38 year old Aya, from Japan. She is extremely shy. I have tremendous respect for her, coming to school (which is not easy) and learning it in her second language!
After doing some practise palpations, we sat down on a massage table and started to talk. She said she was so nervous, that she blanks out, finds school scary and feels so stupid.
"Me too, Aya! I find school so hard!"
She looks at me with these open, genuine eyes and says with relief, "Really?"
(Aya once told me that I was the epitemy of a western culture woman! Ha! What does that mean?!) We continued to talk about crying when we get home, crying when someone says something nice to us, crying after people die and thinking there are no tears left and then...there are more! She said in Japan she is considered "highly emotional" and people don't like to be near that type of person. Here she is the quietest and least obnoxious of the bunch! We laugh about this and continue talking. I know that for a Japanese person to reveal this much about themselves is very rare.
I have been really struggling with having the motivation to continue with schooling. I don't like going to school and I find it incredibly challenging emotionally and spiritually. Aya told me that she thinks about quitting nearly everyday, but that giving up would be easy, and she wants to be here. Wow. I need to stop being a baby!! I have so many advantages and still find myself whining and sniveling about the trivial things. I admire Aya's focus.
When it was our turn to go in for testing, we did just fine. I don't think it was because we listened to the advice people offered. Something about knowing you are not alone not only in the world, but yes, even just in the classroom, is so reassuring.

Hands

Last year God gave me an incredible invitation to trust.
Even though, for the most part, my hands are extended, open, ready to receive, I still go back to worrying, with hands rubbing nervously.
Everytime I leave the house I think, " Will I see David tonight? Will he be okay today?"
I read blogs and hear stories of women who've lost their husbands and I think, "God, did I read that because I too will lose David?"
I'm going to school to become a massage therapist. We always talk about the privilege of putting your hands on people.
Today there was a rugged, beautiful smiling man by my bus stop. I smiled, but I didn't want to give him money. I wanted to hold his hand in mine and say, "I see you" .
Life is uncertain. Jesus promises that in this life we will have troubles. I can't foresee what suffering will be included in mine.

I say this prayer in the morning, and I mean every word (I think it comes from Taize)

I bind my mind to the mind of Christ
I bind my heart to the deep love of God
I bind my feet to the path you have for my life
I bind my hands to receive all that you have for me
And to bless all that they touch.

Our hands make us so capable. There are over 10 muscles in the hand alone! Touch is powerful. Touch makes us incredibly vulnerable. I want to go back to that place of trust with God. I want to have my hands open, knowing that, although pain will happen, God will never leave me. God's love will never leave me. God is trustworthy.

"The presence of God is the finest of rewards" (pg.63, Life of Pi)

Mama warmed the plates too hot!

We were having dinner the other night and my mom was being so clever. It was very cold out, and she thought the perfect way to warm us all up was to put the plates in the oven to warm them up like they sometimes do in restaurants...Only she forgot them there...And so as we ate my brother refused to touch anything, grumbling complaining, and my mom burnt her fingers. Our cold carrots sizzled. It was hilarious.
It is times like these that make me so happy and give me a sense of freedom. Something I love about women is their humanity. I know I'm never going to "make it". Right now, waiting just three months until I'm married, going off to school for something I really want to do and moving to Vancouver and living off my measley savings account, I'm filled with a lot of anxiousness and fear. Will our marriage last? Will I be a good wife? Will I like my school? Will the stress be too much? I know it doesn't take very much for me to fall apart when I'm standing alone. GRACE GRACE GOD'S GRACE! AND MERCY! IN MY TIME OF NEED! I love to hear the spring birds chirping out a song of, "God provides! God provides!" and I'm sticking to that...As hard as it might be...To trust he considers the birds of the air, the flowers of the field...little ol'me and my silly fears and worries.
Something I do have to just say though: I am so in love with Jesus. I am so blessed and humbled to walk with him. We have an unshakable relationship. I feel so secure in his love. Throughout this year, I never imagined that my faith and trust in God would be so strengthened. In all of my brokeness and anxiety and failures and short comings, God is so good.
We tried to say grace before we ate, and we singed our hands a little, laughed, and just surrendered. I can present no illusion of myself as a put together, in control, successful woman before God. I'm just a beautiful mess :) and so we say with burnt fingers, come LORD Jesus, be our guest, and let these gifts to us be blest, Amen.

Reach out and touch someone

Recently on Facebook, this application called, "top fives" has been coming up. One of the top fives today was, "Top five cell phones you've had since your first one". I barfed a little in my mouth. Not because I think cell phones are the work of the devil (ha) but that people who constantly use text messaging as communicating are being deceived. Mobile phone companies and commercials for a number of appliances say things like, "stay connected, get connected" lalala. Lately I have been thinking a lot about how writing what you are doing at that exact moment is not connecting. If you use things like twitter etc. for promotion purposes that is fine, but I think when your primary source of communication with a loved one is through typed words you are really missing out. You are not connecting. You are not engaging. I think of one of my favourite quotes from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: "constantly talking is not neccesarily communicating".

Our world is starving for connection. Rob Bell talks a lot about it in his book, Sex God. We are a disconnected people trying to connect. I have a couple suggestions. Talk to the old man who walks by you and smiles. Shake hands with both of your hands, holding for a second, looking into a person's eyes. Sit for 6 hours while a Congolese woman braids your hair and tells you stories ;) Go for a walk with someone. Be vulnerable. I think it is so frustrating to me because the solution is so simple, and yet we are so afraid. I am curious, if we could be honest, really honest with a few people, would we feel that connection? Who do you miss right now? Who are you thinking about? How are you feeling distant from God? In what areas of your life and heart? We are all broken, and we all have the ability to go to God and ask for some stitches.

It feels like there are no strangers
Anymore
Go anywhere, walk downtown
I’ve seen your face before
Your walk, that smile

And you’ll remember how I collected wet leaves
From the pavement
Though we’ll never talk

Without fear, that which makes us human
Sews us together
Camaraderie of patchwork pieces

I’m skipping
Weightless with truth:
So deeply connected to
Everyone

Sarai poem

Sarai

Laughing in the face of God
You have a bad rep

A nomadic life with a man who can’t explain
The powerful pull of promise

Once the agony of barrenness turned into
Sacrifice
A slave turned lover with new found contempt
Was everything inside you burning?
Weren’t you just trying to help?
A partner’s journey into doubt and futility

I understand
I would have laughed too

Doesn’t it hurt just as much
Entertaining an impossible dream
As it does to give one up?

Hushed waves

David and I were doing some listening prayer together one night when I was having difficulty composing myself (read: crying like a baby) and we were listening for a word for one another. David is really gifted at seeing pictures, and on this particular night he saw me as a wave in the ocean, and Jesus wading into the water on the beach, about ankle deep.

It really threw me back, because it is a very unusual image for me. Usually Jesus and I are chillin' out, doing something or Jesus is being sassy or comforting me. I didn't really know what to think, though it was a very nice image.

Am I afraid of Jesus? Do I shyly nip at his ankles and then retreat? Am I a wind-wave that is moved by the Holy Spirit? Am I the waves of pride like in Job? Is my righteousness like the waves (I doubt it) in Isaiah? I don't know!! Maybe still I am missing the point?

What makes sense to me right now is that, like it says in Psalm 107:29, " He stilled the storm to a whisper, the waves of the sea were hushed". I feel that my life is pretty darn stormy right now, that my heart is often complaining and whining and questioning God. Is he telling me to put a sock in it? That his very presence should still me? Maybe, if I would stop spinning in circles and just tried to listen, he would calm me?

I have been reading Ecclesiastes and there was a section about "Standing in Awe of God" . It said something very interesting, " Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong" (Ecc. 5:1). When we go to church, go to listen to God. Don't go to consume and criticize. Don't go to be "filled". Go,because you want to be open and silent and useless before God. Go to listen. Go to be in awe of who God is. Wow.

Another verse that popped into my head along the same time as David saw that picture for me was "I will fight for you, you need only to be still". My inner fighter feels weak and passive right now.I know that my fighting won't get me any farther.

Would anyone be willing to listen and discern for me what the waves image might symbolize? Thank you... And may Jesus go more than ankle deep into your ocean.

just a crack?

It is a beautiful day and the wind is blowing like crazy, I only have an hour left of work and David is here visiting. Everything should be good and yet, I still feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm missing out on my purpose and on my passions.

More and more my heart is leaning towards a "red letter" view of Christianity that basically believes and follows literally, everything that Jesus has said. I want to talk to the people on the streets, eat with them, invite them to Christmas dinner, invite them to my wedding (if that ever happens!) and clothe them and love them. I get really stressed out when I have a lot of stuff, when too much is given to the rich and "Christian" population. Andrew Carlson and Neil and Dan have been talking a lot about this lately and I know my heart lies in this very place too. I just want to drop everything and serve and love.

Still, God has a purpose in me being here and now. What about my future? How will I be living this tug out? I can't imagine living in Suburbia my whole life, raising kids and not giving all that I have to give. Some people may feel called to serve there, and that is great, but I just don't feel that way. I long to join my friends when they serve overseas or in America. Today is St. Patricks day and all I feel is selfish. We celebrate so many holidays with complete greed. I don't think donating to world vision is enough. I don't think spending an hour at a soup kitchen or food bank is enough. I just feel like I could be doing so much more, making so many more radical changes in my life.

Part of my frustration is aimed totally at myself. My laziness, my apathy, my cowardice. LORD, I plead for a heart of flesh to replace this stone. I pray for a right spirit within me that is overcome with love for people. I also pray for the patience and eyes to see the when, who and how.

Thank you!!

I am really thankful for friendships. There is a quote by anais nin that says, " each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born". I think this is true, that we are incredibly influenced by our friends, and I know that it is because of a lot of my friendships, people who have taken the time to invest in me and love me, that I am the person I am.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with women who don't look down on my because of my age, who trust me with their problems and questions and respect me with sharing wisdom to me. I love their generosity and care, their love that has given me grace to become a woman, not having to awkwardly stumble in the middle zone. I am so grateful for Evy, for Jes, for Joanna, for Cathy M, for Cathy H, for Jenn, for Cat, for Lori and for Auntie Donna.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with outstanding men, who, through their craziness and wildness bless me with their integrity, their honesty, and their support, love and encouragement. I am so thankful for the ways they inspire me. I am thankful for David, for Jeff, for Neil, for Troy,for Christian, for Adam, for Aeden, for Kjel, for Dan,for Joel, for Erik, for Graham, for Jesse,for Nate, for Josiah, for Jackson, for Rob, for Pat, for Noah, for Brian, and for Matt.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with children, who through their creativity, spirit and love have humbled me, given me hope, taught me and played with me! I am thankful for Malakai, Josiah, Mia, Ellarie, Bethany, Abby, Thomas, Robert, Naomi, Sophie, Jamie-Lee, Catarina, all my Peru buddies, James, Sonja, Naomi R., Micah, Taya, Cailyn, Megan, Gemma and Lucas.

I am thankful for friendships I have with people met only in passing. I am so thankful for their honest admissions. What a treasure.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with my female peers. These are so priceless. All my awkwardness aside, I cherish them above all else. They are my saving grace. I often just thank God for them, for all that they are; for their beauty, flaws,confessions,passion, thoughts, actions, dreams, beliefs, and amazing love. I am eternally thankful for Anni, Christen, Kari, Jannaya, Erin, Michelle, Lynne, Kristen, Steph, Amy, Kelley,Jillian, Solveig, Lindsey, SonJa, Anita, Adelle, Melissa, Walsh, Nordi, Bre, Bailey, Joanna, Leah, Amber, oh, the list goes on!!

I am thankful, so thankful, to those who have supported me during times of grief, of trial, of crisis, of weakness, of failure, of stubborness and of all the seasons that I have passed through!

I am sure I have forgotten some names, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I hold you in my heart. I really am an incredibly blessed, rich, and loved person. You have opened me up to so many worlds. Thank you!!!

So Grateful

You are a soul-mate friend
My Raya
You are the iridescent and delicate
Dragonfly I watched
Skim the lake playfully
Searching for a calm place to rest
It landed on the bow of my canoe
An unexpected, beautiful gift

according to your love...

Psalm 25

1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God.

Do not let me be put to shame,

nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one whose hope is in you

will ever be put to shame,

but they will be put to shame

who are treacherous without excuse.
4 Show me your ways, O LORD,

teach me your paths;
5 guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

for you are good, O LORD.
8 Good and upright is the LORD;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful

for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,

forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?

He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
13 He will spend his days in prosperity,

and his descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;

he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;

free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress

and take away all my sins.
19 See how my enemies have increased

and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me;

let me not be put to shame,

for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope is in you.
22 Redeem Israel, O God,

from all their troubles!

poem

Faith gives feathers flight
Or so they say
Roots to punch deep in dirt
An either or

I’m tired.
Dreams are outside budding, cocooned
In a couple months they’ll leave me

I hand over too many leaps
To fear of failure
Too many miracles to the
Doubt in me

The prairie wind’s a bully
Your direction way too soft
I’m straining for a word or arrow
Am I to seize unseen opportunity?
Puzzled in wide spaces
You wooed me to

Can’t help but think
If I was between a rock and a hard place
I would have a solid place to stand
Or somewhere to kick off from

To love...

I love coming to work fifteen minutes late. After nine the pace of the city changes. As I was driving to work (late) today, looking at the very very dismal and grey scenery, I was thinking about what it means to be tender with myself, and what it means to truly love our own self.

Last year I went to a conference and came back to discover that I wasn't at war with myself any longer. Let me explain. I used to look in the mirror and immediately attack something about me: my appearance, my skin, my hair, something stupid I said. I'd look in the mirror and say, "You are so stupid. You're such a mess up"...and other destructive thoughts. I'd be myself and then beat myself up for it for days. I'm too loud, too talkative, too stupid, too messy, too disheveled, too unoriginal, too fearful, too serious... I'd look at other women's lives and wish and hope and dream that I could be like that, only better. I've been through counseling and self-talks, I've talked to Jesus and even had prayer for the demons in me. Some ideas, thoughts and illusions of myself never changed. My mom is not happy with herself. I thought I could combat being like that, but everytime I look with envy on someone else's perfect artsy, creative, wild and alive life I know I have not accepted my own, or seen the beauty in it.

There certainly is no rest for a soul that thinks and feels that way. A friend told me simply, "you are a gift" and I was a wreck the rest of the day. I fought that idea so much I was in tears! It struck me right to the core of the matter. As a girl I was never introduced into the "circle of women" that teaches me to celebrate my own uniqueness and to know myself as a woman. This is an important step.

OKAY back to not being at war with myself any longer. After a long time of thought, journaling and prayer, I decided to write a contract to myself. I would treat myself the way I would treat others. When I look in the mirror I need to say, "Elissa, I love you, Jesus loves you, I forgive you and bless you". I need to dress up for me, and when I rest, it needs to be for me.

I wondered today, what it would look like to have peace about my own self. I read psalm 139 over and over. I talked to Jesus. I wrote a list of all my fears, and of all my desires.

All in all, I feel quite proud of myself for where I am, and who I am, even if I don't completely love myself. I know it won't come entirely, and even then, very slowly. There are still so many things I want to change. I guess that is part of the point though: I may want to, but that doesn't mean God does. What I think hinders me from being Christ-like, might actually help. It is so comforting to know he knows me far better than I ever will.

Sabrina ward Harrison says in one of her books, "I wonder if we could just love ourselves for 5 minutes a day, wholly, completely and unabashed". I wonder too. I wonder if it would make a difference.

I get to go see David on Valentine's day this year. The most exciting part is that I get to see David. We probably won't "celebrate" Valentine's day, but I hope that in my own heart I can inch towards self acceptance and love just a little more.

Butt-uary blues take that!!

(picture of my soon to be brother in la-la and my sister and a big leaf!)

Today I am thankful for the sun that makes it feel like spring

I am thankful for family and friends and strangers soon to be friends

I am thankful for arrowroot cookies and fresh vegetables

I am thankful for children carrying dogs around

I am thankful for music

I am thankful I can ask, "create in me a clean heart O God" over and over

I am thankful for the beauty of the world

I am thankful for grace

I am thankful for words pictures and sound

I am thankful for hugs and kisses and glances and smiles

I am thankful for imaginations

I am thankful for the opportunities to dream

I am thankful for apples

Today I am thankful you said "Yes" to me

I am thankful for risk and change and chance

Justice, Jesus, decisions

I was at breakforth this past weekend. I usually always have some sort of issue with it. I think it is hard for me to worship in such a large group of people who I see acknowledging Jesus as their Saviour and then turn around to yell at me for talking to someone, who ignore the signs of genocide happening in Sri Lanka then sing that they are followers of the God of compassion. People who praise God for all he has done, then use words like, "You get what you deserve", or that they were"lucky". It doesn't help when I feel stuck in a church that doesn't believe in allowing the troubled, disabled or grieving to worship there... That the most important thing is to get hockey playing youth to come to church so they can be saved. It honestly makes my skin crawl.

There were some great speakers at Breakforth, and some really amazing worship, too. I think for me though, the highlights were completely separate from the mass of Christians gathering. On the street outside of Canada place I met the most incredible Sri Lankan people: Sheron, who has already lost aunties, uncles and friends to war, Shev- my new friend in grade five who shared with me how school is going, who his friends are, and ate my candy. I met Priya, who is having a terrible time making friends in Edmonton. I still felt useless, I felt so awful, but it was better than crossing the street and closing my eyes, heading down the stairs into the Shaw. It was one of the few times I've ever felt ashamed to associate myself with Christians. They wouldn't even look Shev in the eyes when he tried to give them a little pamphlet.

Outside of the Shaw, in the pedway was a homeless man with googly eyes playing his guitar with a big white beard. When I danced for him, while he was playing, he smiled. I know some people gave money, and looked at him, but there were thousands of people at breakforth.

I'm not trying to say I'm the best at being a Christian: I'm definitely not. I just love people, and I think the most exciting thing for me at breakforth was to awaken the fighter in me. Not an argumentive or angry person, but someone who loves justice, and wants to fight for it in peaceful productive ways. I felt so disconnected during breakforth when I was trying to relate to this God that ignored the imperfect and weak and naked and poor and just loved the good singers and church people. When I was listening to Shane Claiborne and listening to Jesus in my own heart, I really felt a deep connection with God, with Jesus' love and my purpose. I really could do a lot for the kingdom. I really could. You really could!! When I think of the type of person I want to become I think about Christen Schwanke, St. Juniper, Cathy Hardy, Evy Klassen, Reide Norman,Joanna Shantz, Erin,Phil Kjos, Neil Kroeger, Shane Caliborne, David Gillen, Brad Jersak, Lori Martin, Bethany Klassen, Andrea Kvemshagen and many other people who live with a compassion and generosity that can't be turned off. It is a decision to trust Jesus, and to love Jesus in the "least of these". I won't lie: I hope the Father lets me leave this church job soon, because my heart is not in this building. If he doesn't, I can look for ways to be grace and hope and love to people. Nobody is unimportant. Nobody is too small. There is a line of a song from the worship circle that sings, " there's not too poor, too dirty, too broken too naked too stupid too drunken to be..thrown outside His love" No one is outside of God's love. NO ONE.

Dear Jesus, continue to grow love inside of me, to spill it over the edges and to move it into action in the world today. Amen.

TRUST

Have you ever known, for sure, what a period of time is for? Have you known that, despite the difficulty, you are most definitely being molded and stretched and blossoming? Life is like that for me right now, and really, the beauty of my story almost almost makes it worth it.

A wise woman, Amy McDaniel, once said that everything has consequences, whether we see them or feel them right away. I know this is true. Sometimes there are consequences that we feel both instantly, and over time.

To outsiders, grievers must be so annoying. When a person dies, they are gone and you get over it right? But I understand more now, about those who lose a loved one. Not only does it affect your heart and emotions, but it also affects a deeper part. Sometimes it affects your future actions, your thought patterns, the risks you take in the future, and your ability to reach out.

When Anton died, only then did I realize the power of his influence in my life. He was my first love, and more importantly, the first person I let in. For a woman, guarding your heart is very important. You don't let just anyone see the real you. And if you do, it means they have somehow displayed trustworthy and gentle characteristics. Funny thing about ourselves is that, we don't actually have control over this. We don't decide. Our heart does. And when you do welcome someone into your sacred space, they never leave.

The consequence of Anton dying was obvious:grief.But others slowly tagged themselves onto my heart and took me down with them. Consequences like fear, distrust, cowardice to risk and love, hopelessness and depression. With the help and support from amazing people I thought that I had worked out a lot of those side effects. Still, some held strong.

Last weekend when I was at David's, I had a breakthrough. I wasn't giving him my whole heart. More importantly, I wasn't giving God my whole heart. I was still very much afraid. What if he leaves, or what if he dies? What would be left of my heart? And with God, what if he takes away from me those I love the most? Can I really, honestly, truly trust him? And if I don't, will my ability to love be inhibited? Will I always put up a wall of protection from hurt?

I know I am at a cliff edge. I know that this next step will determine a lot for me. I know that my decision to trust or doubt God will change the rest of my life and walk. Someone once told me that trust has to be cultivated. It does take time. It takes opportunity. When a situation comes up, even small, in my life, am I going to say yes or no?

There is a quote that is sung in Taize that says: "Keep me O God, for I trust in you. You show me the path of life. In you there is joy in it's fullness."

I want to give God my whole heart. I want to love him with the knowledge that he loves me in the purest and strongest sense. I don't want to be afraid. The world is sinful; it has fallen. There will be pain in my future. But, I hope too, in Christ, that there will also be joy. Jesus understands the predicament I am in. He chose to trust his Father, even into death. He chose to really let me live, so it is my responsibility to risk. Without it, I cannot grow into the fullness of who I am. O Jesus, help me to trust. Amen.

Trust

I do not look at mountains with awe
Anymore
Stand as giant gravestones
The cause of the loss
(I cannot recall his smell)

And now
Climbing headfirst with passion upwards
Going in throngs through my grasp
It seems the biggest thrill (for them)
I cannot keep my heart safe

If it isn’t a mountain it is a road
It is black ice
A deep cough
It is fear manifested in life
And I cannot smother it.

I tell you I’m barely moving
I’m so afraid to lose again
No illusions left of youth or immortality
The endless probability of pain stands unspeaking

You open my hands
Gently rub my palms awake
Fingers stretching
You mold me into letting go
Ever so tender

You sit with me in silence
(Even as I quiver)
Inviting
So patient
So near.

important changes of season

I love spring!!! I know it is only January, and that it will most definitely snow again. I can't help but frolick around now, while the sun is out and everything is melting; I'm euphoric. Just let me play, and breathe this in. Also, this time is exciting, as I watch friends emerge from shells and old coats and stand on their own wobbly legs, learning how to walk the walk with Jesus.

I know that seasons change, and truly, I'd get so tired if it always stayed the same. So funny, that we become anxious, doubting, and chaotic when our spiritual life changes. I've gone from a year of summer to a year of winter. Maybe it changes monthly for you. Whatever the case, why are we not used to the constant change? Why can't we accept it, and see it for what it is? You haven't done anything wrong or sinned extra bad, no, it is just the time to work on things NOW.

In my minute meditation this morning it said to reflect on the important changes of season that have happened in your life. I noted that it said changes of season not, seasons of change. Why would that be? Could it be that the changing of seasons in my life is as important as the season itself? God won't keep us in the same place forever. Our earthly "comfort" is not one of his priorities. As I reflect on that, I think about a quote that says, " you can learn a lot on your knees" meaning that you can see different things than you can standing up or lying down. I can't possibly learn everything I need to with God when everything is wonderful. Trust him then? Oh yeah, that is easy. The real test comes when things aren't looking good, when I don't see enormous amounts of beauty or love. Is God really love? Is he really trustworthy?

I have to thank God when I think that He is more concerned with matters of my heart and soul than giving me the "life I want". He really does love us.

Between you and me

Right now I feel a separation from God. It could be the time of year; a sunless, grey, dismal place. It could be my sin; there is always that. It might be the stress of everything piling up; Anton's death and the pain I still hold, David being far away, this job and the ways it clashes with my beliefs...It might be that I am tired. Whatever the case, maybe a mixture of all combined, I feel a separation from God.
I don't hear his voice when I listen in my personal time. The insights I get from reading my Bible are poor at best. In this time when I should be delighting with every moment I get to spend with him -He is love, afterall- I remain sad. I don't get the impression that he wants to hug me in his throne room. He isn't my cheering squad, encouraging me. He isn't my friend distracting me for some fun. After all this time, after all we've been through together, I kind of thought I would be in a different place on my spiritual journey.
Don't get me wrong, he is still my God. I still love him. He knows relationships, and I know He cares about me. When you see an old friend after a long absence, sometimes the best thing to do is sit in silence for awhile. When your heart is grieving, sometimes the best thing a friend can do is sit in silence with you. If Jesus is the master of relationships, I have to think that this is what he has chosen to do with me, and I am grateful He knows me so well, and relates to me in the way I need it the most.
Yes, Jesus does know me, and He knows the best ways to reach me. Sometimes they are down-right wacky, but then, I am a kook. I trust him, even when he keeps me up ALL night just so I won't sleep in and miss an important prayer meeting he wants me to go to. I trust he knows what he is doing when he piles on the stress, so my only option is to depend on him. I trust him when the tasks I'm given are way too big for me. Well Jesus, you love me best. You must know what you are doing.
Everyone who has a relationship with Jesus experiences something different; a different slant. Jesus relates to us all uniquely because we are all unique.
I better spend some time appreciating the silence God is giving me. I should trust that he knows, and is being intentional. Maybe it isn't a separation after all. Maybe if I sit with him long enough, it will be so quiet that I will hear him breathing. I hope so.
(Picture by Sabrina ward Harrison, "home")

Dancing through life...

Yesterday as I was listening to God, I asked Jesus the question, "if we were dancing, what dance would we do?" And I started to visualize. I could see me on the stage, the lights warm and bright. I could see that there was an audience, somewhere hidden in the dark. The song was playing, and it was Cathy Hardy's "All will be well" which is instrumental. This isn't a very good song for the waltz I thought. And it definitely wasn't the waltz that Jesus had in mind.

I looked over as I began to move, and Jesus was dancing. A contemporary piece. I love contemporary dance. It is very confusing to some people; they just don't understand it. It was interesting to me that Jesus would have us do this together. He wasn't my choreographer, he was my dance partner. Contemporary is almost entirely using your emotions. Jesus wants to dance with me, not lead me, in a dance of my emotions and heart?!

Wow. It was at first awkward for me, to reach an arm out and begin moving again on stage, yet Jesus was dancing too, and he was supporting me and together the picture we were creating was beautiful. Jesus IS my friend. He dances beside me.

I like to take this picture into the youth work that I am doing. I know next to nothing about being a good youth worker, but I do understand relationships. I feel strongly called to walk beside my youth, not dictate to them. In a dance, if someone forgets, they look over to the other person to remember their next action. Sometimes they make it up until they remember. I think it is time for me to stop making it up, and trust that Jesus will dance with me, and it is only through a duet that the beauty can be conveyed.

fifth of the fifth

Two keys on the typewriter I got from my Grandma's garage sale. It is coincidentally my first initial and David's.