Hushed waves

David and I were doing some listening prayer together one night when I was having difficulty composing myself (read: crying like a baby) and we were listening for a word for one another. David is really gifted at seeing pictures, and on this particular night he saw me as a wave in the ocean, and Jesus wading into the water on the beach, about ankle deep.

It really threw me back, because it is a very unusual image for me. Usually Jesus and I are chillin' out, doing something or Jesus is being sassy or comforting me. I didn't really know what to think, though it was a very nice image.

Am I afraid of Jesus? Do I shyly nip at his ankles and then retreat? Am I a wind-wave that is moved by the Holy Spirit? Am I the waves of pride like in Job? Is my righteousness like the waves (I doubt it) in Isaiah? I don't know!! Maybe still I am missing the point?

What makes sense to me right now is that, like it says in Psalm 107:29, " He stilled the storm to a whisper, the waves of the sea were hushed". I feel that my life is pretty darn stormy right now, that my heart is often complaining and whining and questioning God. Is he telling me to put a sock in it? That his very presence should still me? Maybe, if I would stop spinning in circles and just tried to listen, he would calm me?

I have been reading Ecclesiastes and there was a section about "Standing in Awe of God" . It said something very interesting, " Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong" (Ecc. 5:1). When we go to church, go to listen to God. Don't go to consume and criticize. Don't go to be "filled". Go,because you want to be open and silent and useless before God. Go to listen. Go to be in awe of who God is. Wow.

Another verse that popped into my head along the same time as David saw that picture for me was "I will fight for you, you need only to be still". My inner fighter feels weak and passive right now.I know that my fighting won't get me any farther.

Would anyone be willing to listen and discern for me what the waves image might symbolize? Thank you... And may Jesus go more than ankle deep into your ocean.

just a crack?

It is a beautiful day and the wind is blowing like crazy, I only have an hour left of work and David is here visiting. Everything should be good and yet, I still feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm missing out on my purpose and on my passions.

More and more my heart is leaning towards a "red letter" view of Christianity that basically believes and follows literally, everything that Jesus has said. I want to talk to the people on the streets, eat with them, invite them to Christmas dinner, invite them to my wedding (if that ever happens!) and clothe them and love them. I get really stressed out when I have a lot of stuff, when too much is given to the rich and "Christian" population. Andrew Carlson and Neil and Dan have been talking a lot about this lately and I know my heart lies in this very place too. I just want to drop everything and serve and love.

Still, God has a purpose in me being here and now. What about my future? How will I be living this tug out? I can't imagine living in Suburbia my whole life, raising kids and not giving all that I have to give. Some people may feel called to serve there, and that is great, but I just don't feel that way. I long to join my friends when they serve overseas or in America. Today is St. Patricks day and all I feel is selfish. We celebrate so many holidays with complete greed. I don't think donating to world vision is enough. I don't think spending an hour at a soup kitchen or food bank is enough. I just feel like I could be doing so much more, making so many more radical changes in my life.

Part of my frustration is aimed totally at myself. My laziness, my apathy, my cowardice. LORD, I plead for a heart of flesh to replace this stone. I pray for a right spirit within me that is overcome with love for people. I also pray for the patience and eyes to see the when, who and how.

Thank you!!

I am really thankful for friendships. There is a quote by anais nin that says, " each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born". I think this is true, that we are incredibly influenced by our friends, and I know that it is because of a lot of my friendships, people who have taken the time to invest in me and love me, that I am the person I am.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with women who don't look down on my because of my age, who trust me with their problems and questions and respect me with sharing wisdom to me. I love their generosity and care, their love that has given me grace to become a woman, not having to awkwardly stumble in the middle zone. I am so grateful for Evy, for Jes, for Joanna, for Cathy M, for Cathy H, for Jenn, for Cat, for Lori and for Auntie Donna.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with outstanding men, who, through their craziness and wildness bless me with their integrity, their honesty, and their support, love and encouragement. I am so thankful for the ways they inspire me. I am thankful for David, for Jeff, for Neil, for Troy,for Christian, for Adam, for Aeden, for Kjel, for Dan,for Joel, for Erik, for Graham, for Jesse,for Nate, for Josiah, for Jackson, for Rob, for Pat, for Noah, for Brian, and for Matt.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with children, who through their creativity, spirit and love have humbled me, given me hope, taught me and played with me! I am thankful for Malakai, Josiah, Mia, Ellarie, Bethany, Abby, Thomas, Robert, Naomi, Sophie, Jamie-Lee, Catarina, all my Peru buddies, James, Sonja, Naomi R., Micah, Taya, Cailyn, Megan, Gemma and Lucas.

I am thankful for friendships I have with people met only in passing. I am so thankful for their honest admissions. What a treasure.

I am thankful for friendships that I have with my female peers. These are so priceless. All my awkwardness aside, I cherish them above all else. They are my saving grace. I often just thank God for them, for all that they are; for their beauty, flaws,confessions,passion, thoughts, actions, dreams, beliefs, and amazing love. I am eternally thankful for Anni, Christen, Kari, Jannaya, Erin, Michelle, Lynne, Kristen, Steph, Amy, Kelley,Jillian, Solveig, Lindsey, SonJa, Anita, Adelle, Melissa, Walsh, Nordi, Bre, Bailey, Joanna, Leah, Amber, oh, the list goes on!!

I am thankful, so thankful, to those who have supported me during times of grief, of trial, of crisis, of weakness, of failure, of stubborness and of all the seasons that I have passed through!

I am sure I have forgotten some names, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I hold you in my heart. I really am an incredibly blessed, rich, and loved person. You have opened me up to so many worlds. Thank you!!!

So Grateful

You are a soul-mate friend
My Raya
You are the iridescent and delicate
Dragonfly I watched
Skim the lake playfully
Searching for a calm place to rest
It landed on the bow of my canoe
An unexpected, beautiful gift