The Initiator

"The sooner we stop thinking that we are the energetic operators of religion and discover that God is at work, as the Aggressor, the Invader, the Initiator, so much the sooner do we discover that our task is to call people to be still and know, listen, hearken in quiet invitation to the promptings of the Divine. Our task is to encourage others first to let go, to cease striving, to give over this fevered effort of the self-sufficient religionist trying to please an external deity. Count on God knocking on the doors of time. God is the Seeker, and not we alone…I am persuaded that religious people do not with sufficient seriousness count on God as an active factor in the affairs of the world. “Behold I stand at the door and knock,” but too many well-intentioned people are so preoccupied with the clatter of effort to do something for God that they don’t hear Him asking that He might do something through them." - Thomas Kelly

(thanks to the MARK center for this great quote)

Give us more time

We are staying with my parents for Christmas, and have been here for about a week and a half. They just moved here in the summer,and the basement is full of boxes from the move that haven't been opened. In my spare time between playing with Zoe, eating Christmas cookies and studying, I've been hunkering down and going through boxes that were from my room in the last house.

As a kid, I made many photo albums and time capsules. I've kept all my letters from grade eleven on- that is 8 years worth of mail!!I have artwork and other school projects from when I was younger.

I've been in a funk these last couple of days, and couldn't articulate exactly why, but I think I figured it out this morning. My daily Bible readings have all been in Revelation and I can't help but feel the urgency and seriousness of it. I have been focused on a miserable thought that there really isn't a point to saving my old journals and albums, because whose going to be around to read them? Will life just zoom by and before I know it, without having made an impact or done anything lasting,I'll be 75? It sounds very dramatic,which, it is, but I do feel this way, talking to people about how children grow up so fast,and wondering about my ancestors, and how most of everything they were and did has been forgotten.

Usually I like to imagine heaven, and don't look at earth-life with much hope. But now that I have a family, and many dreams and ideas for the future, it is depressing to think that our time is so limited!I realized I can do something about it. I can pray.

I really do love this world, with all of it's brokenness and potential. I really do want to live to see grandchildren, and pass down traditions and stories. I really do want Zoe to have a huge full long life. And so I pray: give us more time. Work through us to make your kingdom come. Hold back on your judgement. Flood us with compassion, still. Give us joy and peace and redemption and love and healing. Let us continue in this fight, here. Stay with us, Jesus, your presence invading dark places. Continue building us up in love and truth.

Praise

Who compares with you among gods, O God? Who compares with you in power, in holy majesty, In awesome praises, wonder-working God?
Exodus 15:9-11

Peace

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.
Colossians 3:14-16

Hope

God brings death and God brings life, brings down to the grave and raises up. God brings poverty and God brings wealth; he lowers, he also lifts up. He puts poor people on their feet again; he rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope, Restoring dignity and respect to their lives— a place in the sun! For the very structures of earth are God's; he has laid out his operations on a firm foundation. He protectively cares for his faithful friends, step by step, but leaves the wicked to stumble in the dark. No one makes it in this life by sheer muscle! God's enemies will be blasted out of the sky, crashed in a heap and burned. God will set things right all over the earth, he'll give strength to his king, he'll set his anointed on top of the world! 1 Samuel 2:5-7

Advent

Our friends we had wanted to visit were sick and we were anxious, after two months of travel, to finally be on the road to home. The coquihala highway was closed due to weather conditions, which was our usual route, so we decided to blitz it all the way home in one day taking the southern road.

Almost immediately I could see snow capped mountains from my passenger seat window. After two months of coast and sun, these mountains were an exciting and beautiful sight. The further east we went, the more snow filtered down on to the road and the car. I was getting more and more in the Christmas mood, longing more and more for peace and family and warmth and love.

Our whole trip had been adventurous and amazing. I saw and learnt much. A lot about myself too; things that I am not particularly proud of. Selfishness, short tempered, fearful, greedy, ignorant...Things that are next to impossible for me to change in myself, no matter how hard I try to take a breather moment or walk away. I want so much to be a softer, brighter version of myself. Loud in the right moments, and silent in others. Generous and compassionate. Encouraging and joyful.

The snow was laying thick on the roads now, and the forests lining the highway were an awesome white and green. Living in Vancouver for the past two winters had caused me to forget how much I enjoy the snow and the look of winter in the mountains. Snow, hushing all this muck with a soft white. The grace of snow coverings. Snowflakes were hitting our windshield.

We had to reduce our speed or our non-winter tires would have us slip sliding all over the place...Another reminder that we need to slow down. It will take a little bit longer to get home...Almost there, just be patient...

...And I need to be patient for home; for all the things I wish were different: sex slave trafficking, debt, unrest and workaholics, consumerism and the imbalances of wealth and poverty, broken relationships...

I thought that I was totally done with long car drives, but this snowy scene was energizing me. I felt so at peace in the car, going 50 km an hour, getting to enjoy our surroundings. The snowflakes met us one by one, and strangely, we were at peace.

Not quite there, still waiting for a Savior. Waiting for change. Swirled up in the mystery of God's workings and ways. I've got to say I'm really embracing Advent. I still feel like my travels aren't over. I'm still waiting to go home. I'm still waiting for the surprising glory of God in a baby. I am waiting with much anticipation for God's enormous love to snow-ball me over again, and to change me and renew me and refresh me and center me. Come, Lord Jesus.

Your Redeemer God says:

"I left you, but only for a moment.
Now, with enormous compassion, I'm bringing you back.
In an outburst of anger I turned my back on you—
but only for a moment.
It's with lasting love
that I'm tenderly caring for you.

"This exile is just like the days of Noah for me:
I promised then that the waters of Noah
would never again flood the earth.
I'm promising now no more anger,
no more dressing you down.
For even if the mountains walk away
and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won't walk away from you,
my covenant commitment of peace won't fall apart."
The God who has compassion on you says so.

- Isaiah 54:9-11

Zoe: Life lessons 6

We're still travelling (Maui now! What a blessed life) and I'm learning and experiencing so much.

Since Zoe was born, I've been feeling inwardly exhausted. Normal, I'm sure, for a mother. But, something about it feels suffocating. It makes me chaotic. I can't go to my quiet soul place and find rest. I haven't been able to have solitude and silence, which is something I had regularly needed. I've never been away from Zoe for longer than two hours.

But, God has been teaching me, it isn't about getting away from Zoe.

Peace can't be sought out by me, not in the waves of the oregon coast. Not in the quiet moments where Zoe is sleeping. Not in the sun on the beach in Maui.

God seems to be telling me that Peace will be found in Zoe's screaming. Peace will be right in the middle of a grumpy drive, or awkward hurting brothers bickering.

God's peace comes to me. There is nothing I can do to chase it and catch it. Out of the inside of me- Christ dwelling in me- His spirit; unaware of its beginning it will relieve me. It is fruit of the Spirit. The only thing I can do is ask for it, and wait for it to ripen and well up in me.

Like the song says, "I will wait for your peace to come to me..."

And so far I like this so much better than anything I can contrive. God is so gracious in teaching me, and gives plenty of reminders and "hands on experiences." I love getting to know God, and to be friends with Jesus. Who else could make nights with too many screaming wake ups be peaceful? Who else could make tense "we're too broke to afford even this" moments peaceful? Who else could make me, a worrier and despair-er, so peaceful?!

Zoe: Life lessons 5

It was a brilliantly sunny day after a streak of torrential rain. We were gasping at each corner as the ocean revealed itself along highway 101 down the Oregon coast. Today was the day to meet the giant redwood trees. I was nervous!! I've dreamed of seeing them for so long.

And then we passed through into California. David got grumpy. We didn't stop in Crescent city. We didn't stop at Jedediah State park. We didn't stop. The trees were just down the side roads, I was certain, towering over us. I'm missing them!

Finally we stopped to take a hike because Zoe was getting cabin fever in her car seat- up the LBJ trail. There were giant redwoods there.

We walked down the trail in silence while Zoe squealed and laughed with delight in her carrier. I cried. It really was selfish to take this trip to see these trees. Now was my chance and they just weren't as big as I had imagined they'd be. David was grumpy and I just wanted him to be happy...

David noticed I was crying and we hugged and apologized in the middle of the trail. We kept going, David trying to convince me that these trees really were awesome and really really huge.

In the parking lot after, Zoe was unbelievably happy, playing with her Daddy, smiling and shrieking and laughing.

It was incredibly disappointing, my first encounter with the giant Redwoods. But I learnt something from them. I really learnt- down to my gut- that I'd rather be with my family: David and Zoe, than anywhere else. Even the biggest trees on earth. Nothing beats the feeling of love between us. So maybe we had to take a foolish trip when we have no money to really figure it out...Now that I have these relationships in my life, the really hard and challenging and constant and divine, trees kind of disappoint. I just really love connecting with people. Even when they're fussy travelers, worriers and grumps.

Our wedding rings are carved to look like tree bark, and now I'm extra thankful they are. A reminder of what the trees taught me: I'm so blessed with a loving family.

(When I told David this after we'd driven a while more, we both sat crying in the Bigfoot museum parking lot, hickville california...Now one of my favourite memories of the trip so far)

Zoe: Life lessons 4

Zoe rocks. She is so cool. There are definitely days (and nights!) when I don't want to be a mom, but at the same time I've never been happier. David and I look at each other in amazement and say, "can you believe our lives are this awesome?!"

Something has been bothering us. When we talk about Zoe, or introduce her to people they often say things like, "She's cute now...Wait until she's old enough to talk back", or " Yeah, this is the easy time, wait until she's older". We don't know what challenges are ahead with being Zoe's parents, but we really don't like the negativity in those statements. I'm totally enjoying where she is right now, and I'm going to enjoy her when she is two and three and thirteen, too. I don't know what to say to them. Maybe all babies magically transform into tyrants once they reach one, and I"m just romanticizing the whole process. I expect Zoe to need discipline. I expect that we will not understand one another all the time. What really bugs me is that raising children is an awesome privilege. I don't hear that in their voices. I don't hear encouragement and support. They probably don't mean it, but the wet blanket approach to having children is gross. I don't like the message it sends to your kids; you were such a little brat when you were young it made life so hard for your parents etc etc as if children have conscious control over this. I certainly do not want guilt to be a feeling Zoe has.

So why do people say things like that? To downplay how incredible it is to have kids? To shift some of the blame of bad parenting on to the kids themselves? I don't know, but I don't like it. I trust that God's expectation of me as his child is simply to be His child. I don't want Zoe to put on good behavior. I want her to be a true representation of who she is. God certainly can see through my "good behavior". He isn't at all surprised by my bad behavior either. And I know that He graciously doesn't dwell on it either, or wait for me to screw up again. Sometimes He says, "I think it is time, Elli, to teach you about this...Or find the right path again by dealing with this..." And if there was a time when the Father Son and Holy Spirit were talking of me, I doubt very much Jesus says, "Yeah just wait until next Tuesday when she really loses her patience" . They are building me up, encouraging me, strengthening me, humbling me, delighting me...

So I want to respond, the next time that happens, with sincerity. I want to say that getting to know Zoe is a joy. That I'm excited for each new discovery and ability. We'll deal with each challenge as it comes. I'm not going to wait in expectation for her to get difficult. I trust that God will give us the strength and wisdom to love her when she's thirteen and maybe or maybe not struggling with her new confusing hormones. Right now we're enjoying our baby girl...Like taking her up to David's work and watching her wide eyed fascination with trees and water and mountains!

Zoe: Life lesson 3

Being a mom/having a baby is hard, but I have to say that I am totally and completely blown away by the miracle of Zoe. She is a complete miracle! I could stare at her all day.How crazy is God that He gifts us with little humans?!!!

Zoe: Life lessons 2

I cannot actually believe that life is this good. I have a beautiful hilarious healthy daughter, a loving, so loving husband, we live in a great little house with two trees, a hammock, a clothesline and friendly neighbours...I am just bursting with gratitude.

I've been thinking about breast feeding. I know a lot of women just love breast feeding, but I have to say, especially at the beginning, I did not enjoy it. The worst part for me wasn't that it hurt, or that crippled over hunch back position I seemed to be in. It was frustrating to have to sit and feed for twenty minutes, and it was hard to adjust to being needed all the time, and then every couple hours. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it is true!! Zoe has an impossibly cute feeding face, which helps, and I love the bond we share, and the health benefits blah blah blah, but it definitely took some time for me, and still does to really enjoy it.

Zoe and I have been spending a lot of time around other people, and while it is so nice to have more hands to hold her, at the end of the day I feel sort of empty and mixed up if I haven't spent a lot of time with holding her and playing with her. A quick feed then passing her off to an "auntie" or "grandma" just doesn't cut it. We usually have a bad sleep (both of us) from too much stimulation and not enough mommy baby time.

Which is where God has been speaking to me. Just like Zoe needs me for food and love and attention, I need God. But not just in the morning or before bed. I need God every hour. Zoe needs to feed. She needs to spend that time with me, not only for nutrition. When she has spent that forty minutes every two hours or whatever, she is calm and relaxed and happy. I go about my day so frazzled and wonder why...Well, I probably haven't spent the time I needed to with God, listening to him, and being held! My relationship with Jesus is a constant one. And fortunately for this busy girl, we don't necessarily need to be talking to be bonding or sharing space. I'd love to explore more of how this can be: that I would be aware of Jesus' constant presence and lean into it.

Zoe: Life lessons 1

I said this before, but everyday I am just amazed at the work of motherhood. It is such a hard job. When I say hard, I think it is this way because it is constant, and because to give total attention to our baby clashes with everything society has told us about our worth: we are to be productive, have something to show for our day, multi-task well enough to never let your baby cry, keep the house clean, put supper on the table and look nice for your husband...All at once!

I have been finding solo- parenting (while David's away on his shifts) so exhausting, but so much more easily lived when I look for the lesson in my everyday with Zoe.

So a couple days ago, while I was rocking Zoe, I was thinking about the non-stop, complete focus and attention that a baby wants and needs. Many manufacturers make millions (alliteration!) on devices that will occupy a baby so that you can "get back to life" : soothers, swings, bouncy chairs, jolly jumpers, seats and toys...Some of these are important for a baby's development, but what struck me was how God sees us.

As my parent, God doesn't mind totally focusing on me. He actually enjoys and wants to spend every moment tending to my needs. He wants to stroke my cheek and hold me close and coo at me and let me wrap my hand around his finger. He loves to come to my side as soon as I cry. God loves to comfort me. It isn't work for him. It isn't tiresome. He is fueled by this incredible love for me. When I think that my self-sufficiency is helpful, or when I think there is no other way, I will remember that God doesn't need me to do everything on my own (not that I could begin to anyways). My uselessness is his best place to show me unconditional love.

And he allows us to be like him, and participate in this awesome love-attention. Even though Zoe is absolutely beautiful, and I am in awe and wonder, I still put her into her swing (like right now), and try to use other methods of comforting other than my arms and voice. But, I'm human, and I hope that God will continue to compel me with the depth of his love to gift Zoe with that same attention. I don't want to mind giving Zoe my full attention, all day. I want to delight in it! Just thinking that God feels so strongly about his mothering for me blows me away. The depth of his love for us, and his constant presence is such a comfort to me. Tending to my needs is not a chore. He doesn't get frustrated when I cry to him and never tries to distract me with anything but all of him.

"Show me the wonder of your great love..." - psalm 17:7

"And I pray that you...may have power, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..." - Ephesians 3:18

On our own

Well, after a long long road trip through the most beautiful mountain passes, a screaming pooping farting puking baby, and lots of the same cd's on repeat, we made it into Kimberley!

As we were entering the city, I felt really anxious. I've never felt quite this way before...The history that I have in Kimberley is so mixed; some really good and some really sad. I think that I have processed it... I've also never really been in a situation where I didn't have to work and where plans for my future were really really open ended. Where will I find meaning here? Will I work? Will I find friends here? Will God meet me here? Part of the problem I think comes from an identity crisis I have here. The people who are still here haven't changed much, and so they assume the same of you. People in Kimberley praise those who are hard core outdoor sports enthusiasts, total hippies or total rednecks, or born and raised locals. I'm not any of those things. I struggle with thoughts and actions that reveal my insecurity of belonging. It really tests how deeply I trust who I am in Christ.

David's shift up in the mountains is for ten days, so it is just me and Zoe on our own in our little suite. It is quiet here and really sunny. There is an ant problem which I HATE, but it is really minor in the grand scheme of things! I'll take some pictures of our place and surroundings soon.

So I had this big goal that while David was working I'd be studying and visiting people and taking Zoe into town and just soaking in time with God. Of course that isn't how it is going to be, and hasn't been! Zoe has been all consuming, and I want to spend time getting to know her. We can't walk into town (too far) and so far I've been able to get in only a little concentrated devotional time. I do want this summer to be one of deep special time with my girl and with my God. I've already been taught so much. Everything is just new!

Being a single mom is hard hard work; I can't imagine having to go it alone all the time... Except that there is something really beautiful and wonderful about having to ask for help, and having David's eccentric and gold-hearted friends come over and hold Zoe while I make myself something to eat.

The surprises I'm sure, will continue, and God will get through to me, despite me, like He always does...I pray he banishes my fears and overwhelms me with his love that invites me to trust and know I'm never really on my own.

Bursting

My heart feels so full it could burst.

From the generosity of my family and friends and people who barely know us.

To the thinking back on the beginning and how carried and supported we were.

To the goodness of God's plans

To his incredible strength and salvation and presence that never leaves

To the changing of hearts and minds

And glimmers of hope coming from nothing visible

Rich life stories full of near deaths and big joys

The sun

To our little girlie sleeping and squirming

To God's way. God's paths.

Relax...

"Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers... If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers-most of which are never even seen- don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God provisions. Don't worry about missing out.You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met"

I feel both the desire to respond to God's giving and the habit of preoccupying myself with wish lists. I took Zoe down to some gardens, but it just wasn't the same as being in the mountains. I'm definitely looking forward to hiking up into valleys of wild flowers, to see the colour against the stones, and to be reminded of who made me, and in whom I can lay my trust.

Heart-out-of-chest

About a month before Zoe was born, a shift was gradually happening in my thinking. I noticed when I, and others used the word "need". I started taking note of how many garbage bags we used a week, and what was inside them. The thought of my garbage going to a dump to sit on the earth really bugged me. I couldn't get the picture of my sponsor child out of my head. I felt so incredibly and deeply grateful and privileged to live where and how I do... And thought about other pregnant women, like immigrants who have to work in factories and can't afford to take time off, so they hide that they are pregnant and sometimes lose their baby because of it.

And now that Zoe is here, this shift is starting to reach my heart as I imagine the life I want for her, and the reality that millions of children are not ever going to get that, and it is only because of God that we have this life.

I don't know why this shift is surprising me. This Lent and Easter season have been about exposing and leaving behind my selfishness, and understanding the sacrifice of Jesus. And I'm being reminded of times in my life when I have given in sincerety, or been the recipient. I'm remembering, while writing wishlists of stuff that I want, confused because I don't feel satisfied, that true joy comes from serving and giving.I have so much excess, probably in every area of life. And not just excess, but needs that aren't really so. Neil's friend in Haiti once said," I'm not asking you to meet our needs. I'm asking you to redefine yours". POW. Because it is so easy to get overwhelmed and put our sad hearts into boxes. I overheard a man on the bus talking about the world vision commercials. He said, " That kind of stuff just makes me depressed..I like to help people, you know, with the emergency hotline and other things. Tell me how I can make a difference, and I'd be glad to, but when its so big, well forget it". That is usually my tactic- close my eyes and hope it goes away, but there are many ways to have a powerful impact...And I will stand accountable for all I did and did not do.

So I'm praying that God would highlight where what and how...And that I would find myself in that uncomfortable, panicky, evaluating state that exposes my selfishness and greed and distrust that this is in fact the true life, and God will provide. It never fails to make me sweat and try to find loopholes. Big sacrifice is just that- and it hurts for awhile sometimes! People don't understand. But I want my friend Jesus' influence to rub off on me. I want my scared and self-seeking heart to learn about love by experience,and give way to blessing and soft heartedness and joy...Maybe God will continue to surprise me in the ways that I can joyfully serve, but if it hurts, well, there's a soft juicy heart under there somewhere, and it needs out!

REAL life

Zoe is two weeks old today!! Contrary to all these pictures, she doesn't always sleep. She also likes to poop and stare out at us, sort of disappointed looking, feed with her turtle mouth and growl like a bear cub.

We really love her, and now I am beginning to feel that painful abundant love that a parent can have for their children...Like a heavy woolen heart saturated in water. It is enormous and complicated- to want only goodness for your baby and sacrifice everything and worry endlessly and delight in them and love them even when all they do is cry and feed and poop and on the other side just wish you could get away for a couple days or make them sleep 48 hours straight or want that life with just your husband and be selfish and immature again! And to know that it is only going to get harder! Oh, life!!

I have been thinking about that these last two weeks, about real life. David and I were talking and I said something about how it is hard now but it will get better and he said, "It is all hard". Which is true. Real life is hard. Being married, having children, following Jesus, working on dreams, standing up against injustices, serving and not seeing results...But when you aren't knee deep in it, when you aren't living the real-tough life, you aren't really living, by definition at all. You're just going through the motions, bored, unchallenged and unfulfilled, wanting the world to entertain you and carry you through without pain or change. Fear and self doubt and selfishness can be such blocks to really living. But, if you risk and sacrifice and scream and flail and dive into the deep end, then I really do believe once in a while you get a glimpse of goodness. Of joy and love and hope.

...And that has to be worth it. At least, I'm trying to remember that it is, and that even a tiny glimpse of God's presence is strengthening and gives sustaining power.

I want to say YES to real life. Even as it scares me and challenges me and pushes me to the brink, exposes my limitations and failures and needs...As it humbles me and causes me to cry out for Jesus...Maybe that is the point!

So...Two weeks into a deeper place. Cards and balloons don't speak the truth of this journey. It isn't pink with flowers and happy giraffes, but it is happy...And that I can say that considering my hormonal and physical state is truly a miracle!!

Happy 2 weeks, Zoe!! We have no idea how you will continue to enlarge and change our lives, but we know you will. We love you.

Welcome life!!

Zoe (life) Andrea (strong and womanly) Gillen

Born April 22

We love this little girlie, and are so amazed at the journey it has taken to get her here.

Thank you so much to Aimee for being present and supporting us and taking amazing photos!

What to do with a sickie pregnant wife

I've been feeling the pre-baby blues lately, allowing everything and most anything to cause me despair: pollution, fatigue, being sick,school, homework, having a baby, having stuff, not living how or where or as who we want to...Mostly all valid, but I wasn't doing anything productive about it like bringing it before God. I'd wait until it welled up and then have a good cry and wait for it to fill up in me again.

Two nights ago, when I had in an act very unlike me, finished my homework by lunch time, David and I were able to spend a lot of time together. I've been and am really sick with a sinus flu that won't let me breathe (it could be much worse) and haven't been able to go swimming or really do much of anything. David asked if he could paint on my belly. Sure!

Baby Gillen wanted to participate too, and throughout enjoyed adding a foot/hand to the mix. David didn't mind his moving canvas!

David put on some music and I lay on the couch with my tea for almost two hours. It was very peaceful, relaxing and so enjoyable to spend time in conversation with David remembering and dreaming and sharing and loving. It was also great to spend some time just watching Baby Gil bump around and react to the painting. Earlier in the day I had been complaining to myself that we never do anything fun because most everything in the city is expensive, or that I simply can't do those things right now due to being pregnant and/or sick. This was such a nice evening for us that mellowed us both out. It was a much needed chance to connect.

And look at this masterpiece!! I felt bad washing it off, but I had a midwife appointment the next day...They probably would have enjoyed it :)

And tonight I devoured, "spiritual midwifery" by Ina May. Wow. I feel like I am in so much of a better (not perfect!) place mentally, spiritually and emotionally for the birth of our little one. I've been writing a lot and slowly trusting God more and more with this experience. I'll share one quote that really resonated for me:

" I felt like if God had made birth to be such a Holy passage, he meant for all our major passages including death to be Holy and that there wasn't anything to fear"

Nothing to fear. Perfect love casts out all fear. I'm learning so much during this time.

On a side note, I have asked a bunch of people to pray for Baby Gillen (delivery health life future etc. whatever came to mind) and send it to me via snail mail so that I can keep a collection for him/her when they are older. If you'd like to participate (I'd like you to!) email me and I'll send you my address. Thank you!!!!

Drenched in the goodness of God

For a strong love

A husband that sees and knows

Encourages, works, brightens and delights

Who crosses his legs at the ankle

His ridiculously white feet dangling in contentment

For food every day

and unexpected offerings of fruits and cheese and stews

sometimes carried carefully, planned, for my pleasure

For a body that can carry

And hold strong

and breathe and gulp cold water

For friends and strangers with

powerful kindness

In their smiles and words and tears

For a free pool to swim in

And not be afraid of the deep end

Or weird noises

But leap forward in the water and

Let it float me to the surface

For the weightlessness and the waves

For the smallest of moments where I can

Be forgiving and honest and gracious

Be transparent and faulty and sorry

Be joyful and hoping and sensitive

For big black dogs

Huge tree limbs spreading

Robins in green budding gardens

An endless variety of ways

to say thank you

Lent hand holding

I was sitting on a crowded muggy bus after 9pm on Granville Street, the rainbow of lights blurred due to the rain, when a lady walked in with ashes on her forehead and I remembered it was Ash Wednesday.

I was feeling sicker and sicker since Sunday and had spent an exhausting day at clinic, massaging with kleenex up my nose, trying not to sneeze over all my guests. And I've spent the last two days home sick from school- by force.

Not many people seem to have Lent on the brain...Or at least they aren't really talking about it. I for one am not giving up anything. But I do want to have some sort of intention. It might be this whole rest thing...Once known and practiced. I've since fallen out of the habit, but what better time to rest and quiet down than when 8 months pregnant! It won't be easy as I scramble to finish clinic hours and write tests and go to school and get ready for baby, but I don't think rest is ever easy to justify.

Yesterday sitting in bed with chicken broth and noodles, I read this verse:

" For I am the LORD your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you". - Isaiah 41:10, 13

I might have laughed a little even. He is almost dumbing it down. He is going to save me, never mind help me. Such a simple thing for God to do- to help me. The taking of my hand ...He really has done that...twice...but that is for a different post :) Yesterday it was all about the simplicity and power in God's help. When I feel like I can't stop running around God will help me. When I don't know how to deal with people who are frustrating God will help me. When I'm so scared and weak in childbirth, God will help me.

God is so good. He comforts me with the news of his help...Which is really a lot more than just help. I could never be a good enough person or clean my act up enough. I need God to surround and saturate me. I need him to hold my hand through everything in my day. So I think I'm going to concentrate on that. God's help.

Deep and Wide

I have been feeling so blessed by the generosity of everyone around me. With their words of wisdom, food, kind thoughts, physical support, listening ears, drives home, and love. Thank you so much. I feel neck deep in the support and love of community around me.

While rest is still on the agenda and not in practice as much as I would like...I'm beginning to see where God might be taking me on my own journey- to benefit me not just now, but for the long run too. I have the words of the sunday school song "Deep and wide" running through my head.

God's rest as total immersion into the deep and wide love of God.

I'm noticing more my immediate compulsion to control: control my time, expecting it to go a certain way. Basically, to not go with the flow. Most of my "rest" ideas have been premeditated and probably written down on a piece of paper as a "to do" item. I tend to enjoy things more when I impulsively go for a walk on the beach or randomly pick up a paint brush. Even if it would have been on the to do list, if I just get up and, wash the dishes, for example, it feels like an act outside of my tight school schedule rather than something else I'm trying to squeeze in.

When I remember my time at the MARK Center; I think it true that it was so lovely because most of the important moments were unexpected and came to be serendipitously. God can do all the planning and executing and I'll just experience thank you!

On a more serious note I was reminded tonight of how important communion is to me, and to my ability to function with grace and strength and rest. I want to get into the practice of receiving it everyday.

When I'm not in a posture of rest, when there is no stillness of heart and spirit, I don't function well. I'm not able to receive or act in a grace- filled way. This excites me because it ultimately means coming closer and closer in relationship with God. Always the heart at the center of all my seeking and goals and labyrinths.

May God unconventionally move me into a place of peace and may He do the same for you!

Words of wisdom...please!

This lil' momma is getting so tired. I go to school 6 days a week, often from 8:00am to 9:00 pm plus homework. I don't sleep that well due to leg cramps and baby kicks and the need to go to the bathroom. After a walk up stairs I'm ready for a nap. I need more rest and restful activities everyday however, I'm not too sure how to make everything jive together!

Please give me some wisdom on ways you fit in restful activities during busy schedules!! (This could be prayer time or reading a book or going for a nice walk or taking time with Jesus etc. or a number of different things)

Thank you!!

And I hope that you are able to find rest for your spirits!

water loving

It is getting harder to stick this belly out and float!

Much like a sea turtle I'm finding that I am really enjoying being in water. Whether that be the tub or Mike's pool, I'm loving being wet. On land I struggle with putting socks on and tying my shoes, but in the water I'm so happy and mobile. Maybe Baby Gil' will be a swimmer?

It is just so surprising to me how much silly joy I get from this. I swam the breaststroke in circles for half an hour: just a happy little turtle mama.

...and I'm loving being pregnant. For the most part. Besides the way it hinders my classmates when they are partners with me :( and the exhaustion part, it is just great. School is so busy it really takes up a lot of the energy I would use for visiting with friends etc. But I find I am needing and enjoying my solo time, whether that be dry or wet!

Okay. I'm off to the tub.

Re-visiting Re-connecting and Re-membering

(Some of the Klassen family from my year in Abbotsford!)

I haven't written in a while and a lot has gone on. A couple weeks ago I was surprised and delighted to find an email from my buddy Jackson in my inbox. He wanted to see me before he left on his super awesome 5 month long trip. I was really really happy to hear from the Klassen's and hoped there was someway to get down there.

Fortunately Jackson volunteered to pick me up and when I got off the sky train station to meet him there was this totally grown up - genuinely cool guy who picked me right up off my feet in a hug!

One thing I love about the Klassen gang is their sweet and simple ability to just love you and bless you and care about your life. I've sure missed them! I spent an awesome "soup sunday" at their house and had some precious time with Evy on the drive home.

Being there and listening to Steve talk and others share really encouraged me to be even more intentional about listening to God again and being aware of where He is moving and what He is showing me every day. As my schedule picks up and my energy levels plummet, I'm aware that I could easily burn-out or fatigue. I just simply don't have time for that! I'm hoping to spend that ever necessary time with Jesus whenever I can and trust in his promises of peace and rest and quiet streams. I'm remembering that year in Abbotsford and how eye opening and amazing it was. I crave the life that was produced that year, and hope it can still be pulled out of me, even now.

...On a sillier note, I am understanding this turtle analogy even better. I almost waddle now, and I've slowed waay down (much to my annoyance)! Taking things slow and steady sure doesn't come natural to me. I need to remember the long slow walks we took, taking it in together. Jesus and me.

Gift

(From 4 or 5 years ago... Kootenay Lake on a scorching hot day)

Our schedules have been so busy lately that David and I hardly see each other during the week...And I'm moving into a 6 day school week starting in February. We recently have been trying to schedule in some time before Baby Gil' comes along to spend together.

I've been feeling very nostalgic, remembering being teenagers together and how impossible it was to imagine our futures. Especially a future together that would work out. Now here we are, married and pregnant! I think it is a good lesson for me to remember our story and all the twists and turns it has already written in so far. To trust that the rest will be full of still more adventures and highs and lows. Every day really does feel like an amazing gift.

friendship

Last week my truth to meditate on was, " I am Christ's friend"

This picture is from a couple years ago and reminds me of a time with a good good friend. We fixed a toilet, painted the old one, drew fish at a pet store, took pictures of flowers, thrift store shopped, sang together, dreamed together, told stories and even shared a bed!

The fact that friendship even exists just seems so miraculous to me. Two people, unrelated, would choose to be there and love someone. I was walking home with a classmate the other day and we both agreed that the truth about each one of us is that we are self centered. I feel that with deep conviction, and remember realizing that at my core I was selfish at 13 or 14. Friendship is a picture of heaven because it is all about connection and innocence and sharing and supporting and really loving. I guess where Jesus' act of friendship becomes even more special to me is that friendship is intimate, and for some reason it really hit me that way the first time I read it last week. Jesus really, truly wanted to be close to me. I didn't choose to be friends with him but He chose to be my friend, not because it would be safe for him (quite the opposite) or get him higher up in the popularity scale (quite the opposite!), but He knows I need Him.

" My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other. John 15:12-17

I think being friends with Jesus has been so healing for me. Every encounter makes me laugh. He always gets to the core of things in a gentle, hilarious or loving way. He never neglects to tell me when I'm doing something dumb or dangerous. He doesn't get mad while I'm learning how to be like Him.

I encourage you to do some listening this week with Jesus. Set up the scene. Come ready to listen, and to share what you're feeling and wondering too. You could ask:

- Jesus, are we friends?

- Who am I to you?

- Why do you like being my friend?

Share with Jesus your answers to those questions for him!

And on another note...(Mark 10:27) All things are possible with God!

(I've been saying this in my head over the weeks)

floating

my tum at 22 weeks on New Years!

I don't know what God has done, but I like it. While I was making dinner tonight I thought, "this is me. Whoever I have been for the past year and a half has been a modified version. I'm really this happy and joyful and motivated". It was encouraging. I have to say- it is that wonderful joy that comes from the spirit- because I can't do anything to enhance or diminish it. And the world can't either, Hallelujah!

Soft inside

My first little craft!

I feel so thankful; I've been really really good. Before school started this week God planted this happy song in my heart and it hasn't left. I'm able to learn at school instead of despairing and feeling angry at all the teachers. I'm actually able to learn from someone who two weeks ago I could honestly say I hated! Each day God is revealing his promises to me through his presence.
Slowly slowly I am learning to let go.

This week I've been mulling over (I wouldn't call it meditating) the truth that I am God's child (John 1:12). I do feel provided for, disciplined, looked after, protected and dearly loved. I DO feel confident to run to the throne and be transparent and child like in both my joy and sadness.

And I'm also thinking about the soft insides of a turtle. When Jesus is my shell of protection, when He is my defender and strength; I have the ability to grow soft and tender and vulnerable and humble and free from fear. I feel like I'm growing at the enormously fast speed that Baby Gillen is. And I'm beginning to wonder, and believe even, that I might just give my heavenly father the delight that this little mystery gives to me.