When I was a young girl, from about 11-14, I had a lot of dreams about the after-life, and Jesus coming. Even now, every so often, Jesus will show up in my dreams.One in particular, when I was about 14, I'll never forget.
Jesus came to my school in an elevator. He came down to my floor level and the doors opened up. Inside the elevator were some girls from my class and confetti and music. They were having a party with Jesus, and I knew they were going up to Heaven.
Jesus looked at me, looked at the floor button panel and asked if I wanted to come up.
"Maybe next time" I said.
I think I knew there wouldn't be a next time. I remember being really jealous and put off that the other girls were with Jesus, and seemed to be having a super great time.
The big thing was that I didn't like those girls.
Can I say that? I do not like everybody. I think I've tried to block out where my heart has been holding love from people, in attempts to feel that I am actually being a "good christian" and caring for everyone. Is that an unwritten rule in our lives? That we can't talk about the seriously negative feelings we hold against people?As a whole, I don't think we talk about having "enemies". It has recently been coming up a lot in my life. I prayed for God to teach me to love all people like he does, and immediately I resisted the idea that everyone is worthy of God's love. It is a little scary to say that out loud. I do not think loving people is easy. Actually it is impossible without God.
So, remembering that dream again, it causes me to think about why I was so against getting in the elevator with Jesus and those girls.
I like people, but when it comes to me and Jesus, our relationship is intimate. I don't want to share it with anyone else. I have a great husband; probably the best in the whole world (but he loves me- so back off!!) While I make sure he knows how I feel about him, I don't go around flaunting it, or bragging. Really, our relationship is too deep and complex to properly convey it to anyone. I think that about my relationship with God; how are you supposed to explain to someone that God is my greatest lover, gracious Father, Spirit living in me and my closest friend?
Also, admitting that God loves the people who have hurt those I love or just drive me absolutely crazy is a hard pill to swallow. It makes me want to puke!
Sometimes the answers are so simple and straightforward and beautiful. Loving your enemies and praying for them isn't easy at all. At least, it doesn't come naturally to me. Tonight we were led at Life Group to do a fun type of intercessory prayer. I was so excited; I had so many people on my heart. Then God flipped it upside down for me. All the names of people he was bringing to my mind were people I DESPISED! Not just that bugged me or had hurt me, but people whose very names make my heart pound and give me the creeps or make me cringe and clench my jaw. He wanted me to pray for them. I wanted to vomit. And even though I did write down their names and give them to God, I didn't do it very willingly. As soon as I got home I cried and cried. It is exhausting and so unfamiliar to me to pray for THOSE people. Even now, I'm verging on anxiety. It is SO against my nature.
But I really do want to learn. I can't believe I'm even saying that. On one hand I know that people who distress me and anger me will always spring up in my life, so it is best to just deal with it. On the other hand, God's upside down kingdom pulls and pulls at my curiosity. I really do want to experience it- no matter the pain involved. The freedom on the other side must be glorious! Still I wonder how this will look in the coming days. I wonder, even with God, if this is truly possible.
I wonder, if I had that dream again, and Jesus came down with some people I hate, if my uncensored dream self would hop in, or if I'd wait again for an elevator that isn't making a second trip down.
