Zoe: Life lessons 1

I said this before, but everyday I am just amazed at the work of motherhood. It is such a hard job. When I say hard, I think it is this way because it is constant, and because to give total attention to our baby clashes with everything society has told us about our worth: we are to be productive, have something to show for our day, multi-task well enough to never let your baby cry, keep the house clean, put supper on the table and look nice for your husband...All at once!

I have been finding solo- parenting (while David's away on his shifts) so exhausting, but so much more easily lived when I look for the lesson in my everyday with Zoe.

So a couple days ago, while I was rocking Zoe, I was thinking about the non-stop, complete focus and attention that a baby wants and needs. Many manufacturers make millions (alliteration!) on devices that will occupy a baby so that you can "get back to life" : soothers, swings, bouncy chairs, jolly jumpers, seats and toys...Some of these are important for a baby's development, but what struck me was how God sees us.

As my parent, God doesn't mind totally focusing on me. He actually enjoys and wants to spend every moment tending to my needs. He wants to stroke my cheek and hold me close and coo at me and let me wrap my hand around his finger. He loves to come to my side as soon as I cry. God loves to comfort me. It isn't work for him. It isn't tiresome. He is fueled by this incredible love for me. When I think that my self-sufficiency is helpful, or when I think there is no other way, I will remember that God doesn't need me to do everything on my own (not that I could begin to anyways). My uselessness is his best place to show me unconditional love.

And he allows us to be like him, and participate in this awesome love-attention. Even though Zoe is absolutely beautiful, and I am in awe and wonder, I still put her into her swing (like right now), and try to use other methods of comforting other than my arms and voice. But, I'm human, and I hope that God will continue to compel me with the depth of his love to gift Zoe with that same attention. I don't want to mind giving Zoe my full attention, all day. I want to delight in it! Just thinking that God feels so strongly about his mothering for me blows me away. The depth of his love for us, and his constant presence is such a comfort to me. Tending to my needs is not a chore. He doesn't get frustrated when I cry to him and never tries to distract me with anything but all of him.

"Show me the wonder of your great love..." - psalm 17:7

"And I pray that you...may have power, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..." - Ephesians 3:18

On our own

Well, after a long long road trip through the most beautiful mountain passes, a screaming pooping farting puking baby, and lots of the same cd's on repeat, we made it into Kimberley!

As we were entering the city, I felt really anxious. I've never felt quite this way before...The history that I have in Kimberley is so mixed; some really good and some really sad. I think that I have processed it... I've also never really been in a situation where I didn't have to work and where plans for my future were really really open ended. Where will I find meaning here? Will I work? Will I find friends here? Will God meet me here? Part of the problem I think comes from an identity crisis I have here. The people who are still here haven't changed much, and so they assume the same of you. People in Kimberley praise those who are hard core outdoor sports enthusiasts, total hippies or total rednecks, or born and raised locals. I'm not any of those things. I struggle with thoughts and actions that reveal my insecurity of belonging. It really tests how deeply I trust who I am in Christ.

David's shift up in the mountains is for ten days, so it is just me and Zoe on our own in our little suite. It is quiet here and really sunny. There is an ant problem which I HATE, but it is really minor in the grand scheme of things! I'll take some pictures of our place and surroundings soon.

So I had this big goal that while David was working I'd be studying and visiting people and taking Zoe into town and just soaking in time with God. Of course that isn't how it is going to be, and hasn't been! Zoe has been all consuming, and I want to spend time getting to know her. We can't walk into town (too far) and so far I've been able to get in only a little concentrated devotional time. I do want this summer to be one of deep special time with my girl and with my God. I've already been taught so much. Everything is just new!

Being a single mom is hard hard work; I can't imagine having to go it alone all the time... Except that there is something really beautiful and wonderful about having to ask for help, and having David's eccentric and gold-hearted friends come over and hold Zoe while I make myself something to eat.

The surprises I'm sure, will continue, and God will get through to me, despite me, like He always does...I pray he banishes my fears and overwhelms me with his love that invites me to trust and know I'm never really on my own.