just a crack?

It is a beautiful day and the wind is blowing like crazy, I only have an hour left of work and David is here visiting. Everything should be good and yet, I still feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm missing out on my purpose and on my passions.

More and more my heart is leaning towards a "red letter" view of Christianity that basically believes and follows literally, everything that Jesus has said. I want to talk to the people on the streets, eat with them, invite them to Christmas dinner, invite them to my wedding (if that ever happens!) and clothe them and love them. I get really stressed out when I have a lot of stuff, when too much is given to the rich and "Christian" population. Andrew Carlson and Neil and Dan have been talking a lot about this lately and I know my heart lies in this very place too. I just want to drop everything and serve and love.

Still, God has a purpose in me being here and now. What about my future? How will I be living this tug out? I can't imagine living in Suburbia my whole life, raising kids and not giving all that I have to give. Some people may feel called to serve there, and that is great, but I just don't feel that way. I long to join my friends when they serve overseas or in America. Today is St. Patricks day and all I feel is selfish. We celebrate so many holidays with complete greed. I don't think donating to world vision is enough. I don't think spending an hour at a soup kitchen or food bank is enough. I just feel like I could be doing so much more, making so many more radical changes in my life.

Part of my frustration is aimed totally at myself. My laziness, my apathy, my cowardice. LORD, I plead for a heart of flesh to replace this stone. I pray for a right spirit within me that is overcome with love for people. I also pray for the patience and eyes to see the when, who and how.