Justice, Jesus, decisions

I was at breakforth this past weekend. I usually always have some sort of issue with it. I think it is hard for me to worship in such a large group of people who I see acknowledging Jesus as their Saviour and then turn around to yell at me for talking to someone, who ignore the signs of genocide happening in Sri Lanka then sing that they are followers of the God of compassion. People who praise God for all he has done, then use words like, "You get what you deserve", or that they were"lucky". It doesn't help when I feel stuck in a church that doesn't believe in allowing the troubled, disabled or grieving to worship there... That the most important thing is to get hockey playing youth to come to church so they can be saved. It honestly makes my skin crawl.

There were some great speakers at Breakforth, and some really amazing worship, too. I think for me though, the highlights were completely separate from the mass of Christians gathering. On the street outside of Canada place I met the most incredible Sri Lankan people: Sheron, who has already lost aunties, uncles and friends to war, Shev- my new friend in grade five who shared with me how school is going, who his friends are, and ate my candy. I met Priya, who is having a terrible time making friends in Edmonton. I still felt useless, I felt so awful, but it was better than crossing the street and closing my eyes, heading down the stairs into the Shaw. It was one of the few times I've ever felt ashamed to associate myself with Christians. They wouldn't even look Shev in the eyes when he tried to give them a little pamphlet.

Outside of the Shaw, in the pedway was a homeless man with googly eyes playing his guitar with a big white beard. When I danced for him, while he was playing, he smiled. I know some people gave money, and looked at him, but there were thousands of people at breakforth.

I'm not trying to say I'm the best at being a Christian: I'm definitely not. I just love people, and I think the most exciting thing for me at breakforth was to awaken the fighter in me. Not an argumentive or angry person, but someone who loves justice, and wants to fight for it in peaceful productive ways. I felt so disconnected during breakforth when I was trying to relate to this God that ignored the imperfect and weak and naked and poor and just loved the good singers and church people. When I was listening to Shane Claiborne and listening to Jesus in my own heart, I really felt a deep connection with God, with Jesus' love and my purpose. I really could do a lot for the kingdom. I really could. You really could!! When I think of the type of person I want to become I think about Christen Schwanke, St. Juniper, Cathy Hardy, Evy Klassen, Reide Norman,Joanna Shantz, Erin,Phil Kjos, Neil Kroeger, Shane Caliborne, David Gillen, Brad Jersak, Lori Martin, Bethany Klassen, Andrea Kvemshagen and many other people who live with a compassion and generosity that can't be turned off. It is a decision to trust Jesus, and to love Jesus in the "least of these". I won't lie: I hope the Father lets me leave this church job soon, because my heart is not in this building. If he doesn't, I can look for ways to be grace and hope and love to people. Nobody is unimportant. Nobody is too small. There is a line of a song from the worship circle that sings, " there's not too poor, too dirty, too broken too naked too stupid too drunken to be..thrown outside His love" No one is outside of God's love. NO ONE.

Dear Jesus, continue to grow love inside of me, to spill it over the edges and to move it into action in the world today. Amen.