To love...

I love coming to work fifteen minutes late. After nine the pace of the city changes. As I was driving to work (late) today, looking at the very very dismal and grey scenery, I was thinking about what it means to be tender with myself, and what it means to truly love our own self.

Last year I went to a conference and came back to discover that I wasn't at war with myself any longer. Let me explain. I used to look in the mirror and immediately attack something about me: my appearance, my skin, my hair, something stupid I said. I'd look in the mirror and say, "You are so stupid. You're such a mess up"...and other destructive thoughts. I'd be myself and then beat myself up for it for days. I'm too loud, too talkative, too stupid, too messy, too disheveled, too unoriginal, too fearful, too serious... I'd look at other women's lives and wish and hope and dream that I could be like that, only better. I've been through counseling and self-talks, I've talked to Jesus and even had prayer for the demons in me. Some ideas, thoughts and illusions of myself never changed. My mom is not happy with herself. I thought I could combat being like that, but everytime I look with envy on someone else's perfect artsy, creative, wild and alive life I know I have not accepted my own, or seen the beauty in it.

There certainly is no rest for a soul that thinks and feels that way. A friend told me simply, "you are a gift" and I was a wreck the rest of the day. I fought that idea so much I was in tears! It struck me right to the core of the matter. As a girl I was never introduced into the "circle of women" that teaches me to celebrate my own uniqueness and to know myself as a woman. This is an important step.

OKAY back to not being at war with myself any longer. After a long time of thought, journaling and prayer, I decided to write a contract to myself. I would treat myself the way I would treat others. When I look in the mirror I need to say, "Elissa, I love you, Jesus loves you, I forgive you and bless you". I need to dress up for me, and when I rest, it needs to be for me.

I wondered today, what it would look like to have peace about my own self. I read psalm 139 over and over. I talked to Jesus. I wrote a list of all my fears, and of all my desires.

All in all, I feel quite proud of myself for where I am, and who I am, even if I don't completely love myself. I know it won't come entirely, and even then, very slowly. There are still so many things I want to change. I guess that is part of the point though: I may want to, but that doesn't mean God does. What I think hinders me from being Christ-like, might actually help. It is so comforting to know he knows me far better than I ever will.

Sabrina ward Harrison says in one of her books, "I wonder if we could just love ourselves for 5 minutes a day, wholly, completely and unabashed". I wonder too. I wonder if it would make a difference.

I get to go see David on Valentine's day this year. The most exciting part is that I get to see David. We probably won't "celebrate" Valentine's day, but I hope that in my own heart I can inch towards self acceptance and love just a little more.