Henri's got something to tell me again

I have a couple friends, not really close, that, although I really really like them and admire them, I just can't get close to, or seem to think positively about. It isn't that they are greedy or obnoxious or stubborn. In fact, it is quite the opposite: from my perspective, they have no fears. They are gutsy, adventurous, smile through the worst, and seem to be gifted with the sunny path of life with few pebbles or obstacles. Which of course, must not be true, but they never speak of their fears or short comings. And I'm jealous of their fearlessness.

While I am adventurous and love the wild, I have a more than healthy sized fear and respect for everything I face. For me, hiking a mountain isn't just joyful, it is an accomplishment: facing my fears of being unable to climb or be fit enough, my fear of heights, my fear of getting stalked by cougars, my fear of dissapointing David, my fear of not being "outdoorsy" enough...The list goes on.

I've been afraid of a lot of things my whole life. A lot of my childhood memories are remembering being afraid of something! A staple song I sung well into my teenage years was, "whose in the middle of the dark...God is..." While I've certainly been on journeys to heal fears, I still think of myself as a fearful person deep down. "Perfect love casts out all fear" is a great mantra, but it is hard to access that perfect love all the time when you are deeply afraid. As faithful as God has been to me during times of fear in my life, I guess I needed a little bit more encouragement, especially as I compared myself (never a good idea!) to these seemingly fearless people.

I used to read a lot of Henri Nouwen. I devoured it. Just recently I read a quote from him that I haven't read for a long time and it just struck me deeply:

"Jesus dwells in your fearful, never fully received self...Where you are most human, most yourself, weakest, there Jesus lives. Bringing your fearful self home is bringing Jesus home"

I can't tell you how safe I feel knowing that Jesus lives in my fearful self. That where I feel most rejected and scared and weak is where Jesus embraces me?! Wowee. It feels good to my bones. And if it is true- that this is where Jesus lives, than I don't want to be like those people whose fears are securely hidden- I want Jesus front and centre! I want him out in the open! I want to see him daily! Working through my fears, showing me where he is, telling me he loves me, yes, even weak, human, fumbling,fearful elli.