Joan of Arc

Our life group went to see a performance on the trial of Joan of Arc.

I did a little research about her when I got home.
The first time she heard "voices" she was twelve in a field. She didn't want to leave because the voices were so beautiful.

Sometimes God is predictable. He takes the peasant and turns them into a saint. He takes the woman and turns her into a military hero. He takes that which isn't and makes it into something which is- impossibly- for his glory. It all points to him.

During her trial, right before she was killed, she stopped herself and said that she had committed a terrible sin- denying God for fear of death. Despite all the incredible things that God accomplished through her, she had serious guts. She once tried to escape her imprisonment by jumping out of a 70 foot high window. She returned to battle after an arrow wound in the neck! And yet, she was human. She feared for her life. But she didn't stop. She set things right before she died.

It is said that her wisdom and choice of wording during her trial had those persecuting her stupified. To me that word means, "God put those words in her mouth".

Ultimately this nineteen year old girl died a martyr. She was so so so brave.

It leads me to wonder what it means. For us, for me. I know I'm pretty extreme but it makes me think of our shallow comfortable culture and how we worry about what we'll wear or eat and if we "fit in" and how to entertain ourselves and keep ourselves occupied. Occupied for fear of being silent and open. For fear of being used by God for incredible purposes. I honestly do believe that there are stories of this magnitude God wants to write in our day and age. I feel the urgency. I feel the urgency for even subtle miracles. i pray and PLEAD that God fills my heart and mind and ears and I don't occupy myself. I don't want to be too busy to be used by God. That terrifies me!

Joan of Arc, as controversial as she may be has become one of my mentors. May I listen to the beautiful voices of heaven and remain faithful to them.

finding a pulse

I was talking today with a history major about some of the atrocious things people did to other people in the "name of Christ". He went to a Catholic school and was taught by nuns (and I'm assuming had a fairly negative experience, seeing as he is a homosexual). Someone added to the conversation how there isn't really a need for God when Science can explain everything and the power of positive thinking and self realization meets the needs. Another person piped into the conversation saying that Churches today in Vancouver are social hang outs and not much more.

And I felt very ashamed. I know that what they are viewing as Christian is far from the truth, but there is truth to the fact that that may be all they know of us. I've really been trying to tap into my freedom- the freedom I have to be joyful and fearless, comfortable in my own skin without guilt,full of peace and humility and patience, but I still struggle with squirming out of the "christian expectation". To testify when ever needed, to witness, to evangelize to guide and confess and share to worship to "shine my light" and sprinkle my salt. Mostly I was ashamed because I knew that what they were saying (well except for the no need for God part) was true- especially about churches in Canada. I was ashamed for lukewarms "christians" everywhere.

Because lately I've been searching for the deepest truest most sincere love filled and overflowing people and they haven't come from the churches or christians i know (of course, there are exceptions...but it shouldn't have to be just exceptions). Where are the groups of Christians who BELIEVE and act out of that belief? Who selflessly give, not worrying about their city status? Who reflect Jesus' non mushy very real and transforming compassion? Where are these people whose lives look different? Who can testify to Gods GENTLE but enormous POWER to change? Is Christianity totally changing? What would God say about "his followers" in this day and age?

I am most certainly guilty of not living a God pleasing Jesus following life. Jesus was a radical man. When did I ever get the idea that following him would not look radically different?

I still try to love my God and still know that deep deep reality that Jesus lives, and I know that there are people who've taken the call seriously. I just wish Vancouver could see it.

joy

I don't think of myself as a very joyful person...and God convicted me recently to remember I am his child and that it is something to be very very happy and joyful about.

Little things have been happening that show me God has planted a deep joy in my heart. One of our teachers brings her dog into the class and whenever I see her(the dog) she runs up to me and licks me and gets all excited, ready to play. My teacher says her dog has a special recognition for my joyful spirit. The Pastor's wife at church said her kids really like me- that I'm a joy magnet. When I get home after school I get so happy to be around David's gentleness and humour. I wish it translated so that I could deeply know and experience it.

It is hard to live in Vancouver. All the things I hear on the bus about bloodletting ceremonies, gay men breaking up marriages to sleep with the man, all my homeless friends I see everyday, and the shameful thought inside my head when I am exhausted; I hope I don't see them today. I cry on my walk home from church nearly every sunday, partly from the relief of seeing families and couples that love eachother, and partly because so much of what I am experiencing here at this point in life is challenging.

I think God will have much to say to me this Christmas about joy.

look and listen for awhile

(picture by "groundwork", check her out on etsy.com!)

honest intention

"Jesus our Hope,
Make us into humble people of the Gospel.
We would so much like to understand that
The best in us is built up by a very simple
Trust...
Even a child can manage it".

- Brother Roger, Taize

within the classroom

Midterms are among us at Utopia Academy.
We are STRESSED!
The energy in the classroom today was like waiting in the wings to go on stage...so much anxiety and nervousness.
For the first half of our Myology (the study of muscles) midterm we had to know (well, should have known :)) 540 different facts about muscles. That is a lot to be tested on! The second midterm today was for Clinical Assessment. You were paired off and then went into the room with the examiner and did a series of tests and assessments. Apparently the teachers (examiners) were being harsh and hard faced. Classmates were coming out of the test area crying! Today was a high intensity day.
Everyone gives an answer to beat the midterm or test stress:
"You are not your marks"
"calmness and understanding overcome fear and anxiety"
" It doesn't matter. Plenty of people have done it before and you can too. Stress doesn't help anything."

Some, I would agree with. They just don't have any staying power. Sometimes you'll be studying and you feel so incredibly stupid. Just incapable of ever getting through it. What am I doing? You say. Why did I think I could do this? I come home in tears many days. Exhausted. Just this morning I was thinking, if only you didn't have to pay for school...I'd have run away to Peru long ago! I wonder, why God, did you call me here? What is the purpose of this? What am I supposed to learn, and can we get it over quickly?

Today my partner was 38 year old Aya, from Japan. She is extremely shy. I have tremendous respect for her, coming to school (which is not easy) and learning it in her second language!
After doing some practise palpations, we sat down on a massage table and started to talk. She said she was so nervous, that she blanks out, finds school scary and feels so stupid.
"Me too, Aya! I find school so hard!"
She looks at me with these open, genuine eyes and says with relief, "Really?"
(Aya once told me that I was the epitemy of a western culture woman! Ha! What does that mean?!) We continued to talk about crying when we get home, crying when someone says something nice to us, crying after people die and thinking there are no tears left and then...there are more! She said in Japan she is considered "highly emotional" and people don't like to be near that type of person. Here she is the quietest and least obnoxious of the bunch! We laugh about this and continue talking. I know that for a Japanese person to reveal this much about themselves is very rare.
I have been really struggling with having the motivation to continue with schooling. I don't like going to school and I find it incredibly challenging emotionally and spiritually. Aya told me that she thinks about quitting nearly everyday, but that giving up would be easy, and she wants to be here. Wow. I need to stop being a baby!! I have so many advantages and still find myself whining and sniveling about the trivial things. I admire Aya's focus.
When it was our turn to go in for testing, we did just fine. I don't think it was because we listened to the advice people offered. Something about knowing you are not alone not only in the world, but yes, even just in the classroom, is so reassuring.

Hands

Last year God gave me an incredible invitation to trust.
Even though, for the most part, my hands are extended, open, ready to receive, I still go back to worrying, with hands rubbing nervously.
Everytime I leave the house I think, " Will I see David tonight? Will he be okay today?"
I read blogs and hear stories of women who've lost their husbands and I think, "God, did I read that because I too will lose David?"
I'm going to school to become a massage therapist. We always talk about the privilege of putting your hands on people.
Today there was a rugged, beautiful smiling man by my bus stop. I smiled, but I didn't want to give him money. I wanted to hold his hand in mine and say, "I see you" .
Life is uncertain. Jesus promises that in this life we will have troubles. I can't foresee what suffering will be included in mine.

I say this prayer in the morning, and I mean every word (I think it comes from Taize)

I bind my mind to the mind of Christ
I bind my heart to the deep love of God
I bind my feet to the path you have for my life
I bind my hands to receive all that you have for me
And to bless all that they touch.

Our hands make us so capable. There are over 10 muscles in the hand alone! Touch is powerful. Touch makes us incredibly vulnerable. I want to go back to that place of trust with God. I want to have my hands open, knowing that, although pain will happen, God will never leave me. God's love will never leave me. God is trustworthy.