TRUST

Have you ever known, for sure, what a period of time is for? Have you known that, despite the difficulty, you are most definitely being molded and stretched and blossoming? Life is like that for me right now, and really, the beauty of my story almost almost makes it worth it.

A wise woman, Amy McDaniel, once said that everything has consequences, whether we see them or feel them right away. I know this is true. Sometimes there are consequences that we feel both instantly, and over time.

To outsiders, grievers must be so annoying. When a person dies, they are gone and you get over it right? But I understand more now, about those who lose a loved one. Not only does it affect your heart and emotions, but it also affects a deeper part. Sometimes it affects your future actions, your thought patterns, the risks you take in the future, and your ability to reach out.

When Anton died, only then did I realize the power of his influence in my life. He was my first love, and more importantly, the first person I let in. For a woman, guarding your heart is very important. You don't let just anyone see the real you. And if you do, it means they have somehow displayed trustworthy and gentle characteristics. Funny thing about ourselves is that, we don't actually have control over this. We don't decide. Our heart does. And when you do welcome someone into your sacred space, they never leave.

The consequence of Anton dying was obvious:grief.But others slowly tagged themselves onto my heart and took me down with them. Consequences like fear, distrust, cowardice to risk and love, hopelessness and depression. With the help and support from amazing people I thought that I had worked out a lot of those side effects. Still, some held strong.

Last weekend when I was at David's, I had a breakthrough. I wasn't giving him my whole heart. More importantly, I wasn't giving God my whole heart. I was still very much afraid. What if he leaves, or what if he dies? What would be left of my heart? And with God, what if he takes away from me those I love the most? Can I really, honestly, truly trust him? And if I don't, will my ability to love be inhibited? Will I always put up a wall of protection from hurt?

I know I am at a cliff edge. I know that this next step will determine a lot for me. I know that my decision to trust or doubt God will change the rest of my life and walk. Someone once told me that trust has to be cultivated. It does take time. It takes opportunity. When a situation comes up, even small, in my life, am I going to say yes or no?

There is a quote that is sung in Taize that says: "Keep me O God, for I trust in you. You show me the path of life. In you there is joy in it's fullness."

I want to give God my whole heart. I want to love him with the knowledge that he loves me in the purest and strongest sense. I don't want to be afraid. The world is sinful; it has fallen. There will be pain in my future. But, I hope too, in Christ, that there will also be joy. Jesus understands the predicament I am in. He chose to trust his Father, even into death. He chose to really let me live, so it is my responsibility to risk. Without it, I cannot grow into the fullness of who I am. O Jesus, help me to trust. Amen.

Trust

I do not look at mountains with awe
Anymore
Stand as giant gravestones
The cause of the loss
(I cannot recall his smell)

And now
Climbing headfirst with passion upwards
Going in throngs through my grasp
It seems the biggest thrill (for them)
I cannot keep my heart safe

If it isn’t a mountain it is a road
It is black ice
A deep cough
It is fear manifested in life
And I cannot smother it.

I tell you I’m barely moving
I’m so afraid to lose again
No illusions left of youth or immortality
The endless probability of pain stands unspeaking

You open my hands
Gently rub my palms awake
Fingers stretching
You mold me into letting go
Ever so tender

You sit with me in silence
(Even as I quiver)
Inviting
So patient
So near.