Between you and me

Right now I feel a separation from God. It could be the time of year; a sunless, grey, dismal place. It could be my sin; there is always that. It might be the stress of everything piling up; Anton's death and the pain I still hold, David being far away, this job and the ways it clashes with my beliefs...It might be that I am tired. Whatever the case, maybe a mixture of all combined, I feel a separation from God.
I don't hear his voice when I listen in my personal time. The insights I get from reading my Bible are poor at best. In this time when I should be delighting with every moment I get to spend with him -He is love, afterall- I remain sad. I don't get the impression that he wants to hug me in his throne room. He isn't my cheering squad, encouraging me. He isn't my friend distracting me for some fun. After all this time, after all we've been through together, I kind of thought I would be in a different place on my spiritual journey.
Don't get me wrong, he is still my God. I still love him. He knows relationships, and I know He cares about me. When you see an old friend after a long absence, sometimes the best thing to do is sit in silence for awhile. When your heart is grieving, sometimes the best thing a friend can do is sit in silence with you. If Jesus is the master of relationships, I have to think that this is what he has chosen to do with me, and I am grateful He knows me so well, and relates to me in the way I need it the most.
Yes, Jesus does know me, and He knows the best ways to reach me. Sometimes they are down-right wacky, but then, I am a kook. I trust him, even when he keeps me up ALL night just so I won't sleep in and miss an important prayer meeting he wants me to go to. I trust he knows what he is doing when he piles on the stress, so my only option is to depend on him. I trust him when the tasks I'm given are way too big for me. Well Jesus, you love me best. You must know what you are doing.
Everyone who has a relationship with Jesus experiences something different; a different slant. Jesus relates to us all uniquely because we are all unique.
I better spend some time appreciating the silence God is giving me. I should trust that he knows, and is being intentional. Maybe it isn't a separation after all. Maybe if I sit with him long enough, it will be so quiet that I will hear him breathing. I hope so.
(Picture by Sabrina ward Harrison, "home")