My true age is one of three: 4 years old, 16 years old or 100 years old.
Today and lately I've been feeling sixteen: young, with so much pushing to prove who I am and what I can do. Overwhelmed by a future that seems so impossible to picture or grow into. Stepping through puddles of sadness that don't have reason or sense (thanks hormones!)
...And I've been reacting more like a four year old: hiding under the covers and having a good cry. Needing David's reassurance over and over. Behaving plain selfishly and foolishly with, "I won't I won't!" 's in response to tasks needing to get done.
...Which may all be due to my age of one hundred: all I really want to do is sleep because I feel so tired.
This week has started off with so much reluctance on my part. A wish for everything to stand still- to slow down. To have the Christ Child HERE not journeying first to some place I don't want to go, and can't afford to go. All the while carrying a baby whose future I don't know how to prepare for.
I wish I had the discipline of Mary. Or maybe she was reluctant like me, needing much encouragement and carrying. But I think she must have had a better grasp on the "why". Why go there. Why now. Why her.
I'm still struggling to admit that my heart is not yet a suitable place. That it is still full of coldness and locks and diseases. That only by walking the path that God has set for me will He surprise me in the most unlikely and impossible of places. Only then will He reveal his holiness and glory and fill my deep deep aches.
1 comment:
May God truly bless you in a magnificant way. God will guide you, is guiding you and will pave the road for your future. May you rest in His peace and cry to Him like a 4 year old, run to him like a 16 year old and seriously rest in Him like you are 100. God is with you.
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