thaw

I've been feeling like a perma-frost. A numbing that is just a couple inches from the surface. There have been beautiful life-stilling moments in my days, and I can feel them, but not deeply- not really. What do I need? What will do the trick? Repenting? Praying? Giving? Sleep?

I listen to an online sermon. God cracks open the rock and water pours forth, for the grumbling Israelites.  God cracks open his own Son, for my suffering. The Preacher says his last words and the track stops. I want a little more, a little more of someone's voice but I'm left with the thrum of the refrigerator, and the buzz of the computer. The silence goes down into my gut. I think of putting on youtube, but I stop myself. I can be so blinded by this world. By my fantasies. By my situations. I am not always honest with God. And today the wind blows through the Tamaracks and the bushes with yellow and white buds.

And I feel tears well up behind my eyes. I don't know exactly why. God's mystery never comes with a warning like I think it will- or with corners and perimeters. I think it has to do with my desire to know Jesus. Who he is;who he was. Not who I think he is, or think I need him to be. But right now he caught me off guard and with a swell of warmth came upon me, and I can't do anything but collapse.

Jesus. And a magnificent mind shattering centuries, millenia- old plan. To love me.