Between you and me

Right now I feel a separation from God. It could be the time of year; a sunless, grey, dismal place. It could be my sin; there is always that. It might be the stress of everything piling up; Anton's death and the pain I still hold, David being far away, this job and the ways it clashes with my beliefs...It might be that I am tired. Whatever the case, maybe a mixture of all combined, I feel a separation from God.
I don't hear his voice when I listen in my personal time. The insights I get from reading my Bible are poor at best. In this time when I should be delighting with every moment I get to spend with him -He is love, afterall- I remain sad. I don't get the impression that he wants to hug me in his throne room. He isn't my cheering squad, encouraging me. He isn't my friend distracting me for some fun. After all this time, after all we've been through together, I kind of thought I would be in a different place on my spiritual journey.
Don't get me wrong, he is still my God. I still love him. He knows relationships, and I know He cares about me. When you see an old friend after a long absence, sometimes the best thing to do is sit in silence for awhile. When your heart is grieving, sometimes the best thing a friend can do is sit in silence with you. If Jesus is the master of relationships, I have to think that this is what he has chosen to do with me, and I am grateful He knows me so well, and relates to me in the way I need it the most.
Yes, Jesus does know me, and He knows the best ways to reach me. Sometimes they are down-right wacky, but then, I am a kook. I trust him, even when he keeps me up ALL night just so I won't sleep in and miss an important prayer meeting he wants me to go to. I trust he knows what he is doing when he piles on the stress, so my only option is to depend on him. I trust him when the tasks I'm given are way too big for me. Well Jesus, you love me best. You must know what you are doing.
Everyone who has a relationship with Jesus experiences something different; a different slant. Jesus relates to us all uniquely because we are all unique.
I better spend some time appreciating the silence God is giving me. I should trust that he knows, and is being intentional. Maybe it isn't a separation after all. Maybe if I sit with him long enough, it will be so quiet that I will hear him breathing. I hope so.
(Picture by Sabrina ward Harrison, "home")

Dancing through life...

Yesterday as I was listening to God, I asked Jesus the question, "if we were dancing, what dance would we do?" And I started to visualize. I could see me on the stage, the lights warm and bright. I could see that there was an audience, somewhere hidden in the dark. The song was playing, and it was Cathy Hardy's "All will be well" which is instrumental. This isn't a very good song for the waltz I thought. And it definitely wasn't the waltz that Jesus had in mind.

I looked over as I began to move, and Jesus was dancing. A contemporary piece. I love contemporary dance. It is very confusing to some people; they just don't understand it. It was interesting to me that Jesus would have us do this together. He wasn't my choreographer, he was my dance partner. Contemporary is almost entirely using your emotions. Jesus wants to dance with me, not lead me, in a dance of my emotions and heart?!

Wow. It was at first awkward for me, to reach an arm out and begin moving again on stage, yet Jesus was dancing too, and he was supporting me and together the picture we were creating was beautiful. Jesus IS my friend. He dances beside me.

I like to take this picture into the youth work that I am doing. I know next to nothing about being a good youth worker, but I do understand relationships. I feel strongly called to walk beside my youth, not dictate to them. In a dance, if someone forgets, they look over to the other person to remember their next action. Sometimes they make it up until they remember. I think it is time for me to stop making it up, and trust that Jesus will dance with me, and it is only through a duet that the beauty can be conveyed.

fifth of the fifth

Two keys on the typewriter I got from my Grandma's garage sale. It is coincidentally my first initial and David's.

Still slipping...

Dear LORD Jesus,
Sometimes I cannot believe the situations I find myself in. I confess it is hard for me to trust you, even when you have placed me here for this time yourself. When I feel bombarded from all sides, it is hard for me to stand upright. I slip, I trip, I fall. It is so discouraging to be on the ground with a bruised tailbone.
In this place, where my weakness is so visible, you strengthen me. I know it is you. Still I wonder who what where when?! Mostly, when are you coming back, Jesus? I am so easily overwhelmed with the hurt in families, the pain in youth, the violence in nations, the ignorance of people, the greed of others, the sin in me.
You tether me in place, to the anchor of hope. Like riding a rollercoaster on the steepest part: I close my eyes and sink deep into the seat...I wait for it to be over, for you to carry me through.
When I slip, and trip, and fall, sometimes it is best for me to just stay there. Spread my arms out and close my eyes. I don't say a thing, and I don't think of much. These are my best prayers to you right now, Jesus. On the ground; a fallen being. Maybe this Christmas, you will lift me up. I'm waiting for you, Jesus, as I walk cautiously across the ice. I'm waiting for you, staring at the computer screen for hours. I'm waiting for you, Jesus. I know you won't overlook me. Thank you.Amen.

snowflake cupcake sparkle birthday princess

A couple weeks ago, our pastor was preaching about the generations, and some of their differences. The generation I grew up in is the "Snowflake" generation: we grew up being told that we are special and unique and that everything we do is magic.
Today is my birthday. It snowed this morning, just like it did last year (in Vancouver!) and just like it did in Calgary the day I was born. I am a unique snowflake!Sometimes we hear that we are a gift to the world on our birthday. This year I really want to take it seriously.
I hope that I am a gift to the world. I hope this year that I can live out of my unique purpose and give the world something, a new slant, or support the right cause or person. I want to be a gift to the world in what I do, say and believe. I hope that my life can show people the light of Christ, the love of Christ, the kindness of Christ and the power of Christ. I hope this year that I will, "love, and say it with [my] life" -St. Augustine. I want to be the hands feet and heart of Jesus this year, everyday.
Then maybe I can be proud of my life, or at least trust that God is using me. YOU are beautiful and precious and wonderful and unique and no small act of kindness that you have shown me has gone unnoticed. So thank you all for being a gift to my life!

My time in silence

A tree in Lethbridge. I wish that I brought my camera so I could show some pictures from Abbotsford. Anyways.

I went to the MARK centre for a 3 day silent retreat with some women that I admire and deeply respect...Eden Jersak, Evy Klassen, Bindu Oommen, Cathy Hardy, Lorie Martin...To name a few. It was a time I can't express in words...How could I? I spent 3 days listening to the stillness and wonderings and love through my heart's eyes and ears. And some things spoken were much much too precious to post.

I feel like my soil is rich, moist, deep, thick and full of nutrients. I feel like my roots have drunk deep deep into that goodness. I know that my tree (me) is growing from a strength that comes from within and isn't striving.

A Prayer to the Potter

Dear Potter,

The lump of clay that I am

Keeps crying for some form day by day

I yearn for you to mold me

This is a trust song, Lord

I am in your hands like clay

I am ready to be transformed;

I expect

To be molded

I expect

To be beautiful

I expect

To be loved

And if by chance someone should drop me as some of your apprentices do

I expect

To be hurt

I'm just trying to say

I have surrendered to your dream for me

I am in your hands

Like Clay

- Macrina W.

Jesus Christ- the name that saves!!

I had a dream last night. One of my youth was making a speech when another kid was pulled out of the area by a dark "Thing". People assumed that it was a person; someone among us. I got the sense that it was a demon. Everyone began to search for it- Tim Wintonuw, my friend Robyn, Pastor Harold..random people from my life. They were all searching for a person. Me and David were holding on to some wires from a computer or machine, just because being in that place was scary. Suddenly everyone in the room started to come at the wires we were holding, like zombies with their expressions blank, moaning really low. They grabbed the wires and started to eat them. Inside their mouths was a darkness. I knew that was the demon. As you ate the wires it clogged your mouth so you couldn't speak or breathe. I closed my mouth tight because I didn't want to eat the wires, and then I suddenly started shouting, "Jesus Christ" "Jesus Christ" and my mouth was open and I could speak clearly, let go of the wires and I started to shout to everyone, "SAY JESUS' NAME! JESUS CHRIST!" I continued doing this until everyone in that room had been free from the wire eating demon, then ran to another room. "Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!" I said it over and over and over again, it was all I could say. Once everyone was free, they started to go about as normal, but I couldn't stop saying "Jesus Christ!" to everyone, even people I usually would care about what they thought. I was filled with so so so much joy that I couldn't stop. Everytime I said His name I'd fly up into the sky a little bit. It was like the name "Jesus Christ" just needed to be spoken out- that if people would only hear the name of Jesus they could be saved!!
I'm starting to meditate on the Jesus prayer, "Jesus Christ Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner" in my daily life...We really don't know the full power His name holds!!!

Thank you Jesus for such an amazing dream!!!