Pablo Nerudo has a quote that says, "Whom can I ask what I came to make happen in the world?"
I can relate. I know I should ask God, but He doesn't answer my questions very speedily. Nor does He find it important to answer them at all! I'm probably swimming in a big chemical pool of sin by saying that. God has every right to withhold his intentions from me, and it is my little lack of faith and trust self that is worrying and frittering about my future. Actually, He has a specific command NOT to worry about tomorrow. Oh me of little faith!
It overwhelms me. I have a lot of half-interests: art, gypsies, travel, the environment, listening, letter writing, community, spiritual direction, trees... Nothing that I would want to do forever. Then you have to add on if I ever have a family I need to support them and what about medical coverage? Holidays? It is very easy to expand worries to include multiple levels.
Some people are born with a passion for something. Their whole life is built around the goal of becoming a _______ or doing __________. I don't want to accept that God may have made me the type of person that was born to be an example of "never finds out what they are here for". No thank you God!
For now, all I can do is live in this space where I am doing something I may not love. But I am dreaming, and paying attention to what stirs me. Like the monk off of Baraka, dressed in white. He walks against the stream of crowded streets slowly slowly ringing a small bell. Is he filled with purpose, or does it feel futile?
2 comments:
Thanks for this. I really relate. I think it's not that rare for people not to know what they are meant to "be". I've complained to 50 year old pastors that I don't know what my "calling" is and they will sympathize and say they still don't know what they want to do.
You ever think about writing a book?
Elli words pass through my lips in sighs with no sensible formation. As such I have nothing to say other than, dido Christian. Have you ever thought about collecting your thoughts not just on a blog but in ink on paper? Paper is a product of a tree.
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